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Super Nova

 

Sometimes I wonder whether my parents really should have had me.  It is days like today that make me wish they hadn’t.  Why is it that I don’t have the guts to do myself in like every other person who has.  What do they have in them that I don’t have in me?  Determination, maybe a sense of will, I don’t know but there is something they have that I don’t. 

 All day long I struggle through life and wonder what for.  What is the reason I am here on this planet?  What can I possibly contribute to this world that requires me to be here, living, day in and day out?  All I have done thus far in my life is to increase the population and anger people I don’t even care for.  Hell, I’ve even upset those I really cared for.  Some of them now no longer speak to me and have completely written me out of their lives and who am I to blame them.  They did what they should have before they ever thought about becoming by friend. 

Out of concern for my children, I stay here on this planet and wonder when I will be able to move on.  I realized that I am like a super nova.  Those close to me will not make it.       

 

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love… Something parents are supposed to have yet I wonder how many of them really do.  Could you look your child in the eye and tell them they aren’t worth it?  It is a tough thing to think about but it is true.  Where do you draw the line at when it comes to unconditional love? 

 

To love unconditionally is never easy and no matter how old you get it still doesn’t get any easier.  Is there really such a thing as unconditional love or does all love comes with a price?  If it comes with a price, how much is it worth on the market these days?

 

I used to think love was unconditional until I started dating.  I believed that no matter what I ever did my parents would always love me.  There was never a doubt in my mind that my parents loved me.  Even though they never said it I always knew.  Or at least I thought I did. 

 

Since I started dating I have realized that unconditional love comes with such a steep price.  No man truly loves you just the way you are.  There is always something about you they wish they could change but they have settled for you “as is”.  They take in all of your imperfections and try to ignore them for as long as possible. 

 

I think this is what leads to divorce.  People settling for the things they think they can live with.  Why can’t people just realize there is someone out there who is meant for them and them alone?  Instead they marry the first thing which meets most of the things they like and figure they will have to live with the rest. 

 

My first marriage was this way.  I figured I couldn’t do any better then him and seeing as how he had already planted his seed, I figured I have to do this for the child, then children.  Was it the right thing to do?  Who was it right for?  Was it right for the kids, myself, him? 

 

To this day I still don’t know. What I do know is it wasn’t right but I was afraid of being left alone in this world.  What kind of person has to face the big bad scary world alone?  The kind who has no one else, that’s who.  I must be a person like that.  Well actually, most of us have to face it alone, we just have people who help us along our way.      

 

Sometimes Being Older is Helpful

There are some old things I have written in the past year and never felt the need to post them.  I feel that, right now I’m at a point where I am re-examining my past and seeing what is and isn’t working for me and doing away with those things which aren’t helpful to me.  I guess you could say that I’m cleaning out my closet.  I hope all those who read this enjoy them as they are meant to be.

No one can see the shame in me

On the bark of this aged, old tree

 

Fearing to name this harmfulness

Burying deep within my abyss

 

Darkness hides things well my dear

For none have found in twice the years

 

Now upon my voice you carry

Hear thee well make all us merry

Spring brings for the chance for rebirth

But also the final nail in the coffin

Those things which have died up until now

Must stay buried forever starts now

 

 

Fears are defenses against success

Embracing your fears lead to success

Fears are successes waiting to happen

 

 

Failure is other people’s way of saying you just aren’t ready yet.

The Wide World of Relationships

Can someone please explain to me why we as women put up with so much crap to get a man.  We change the way we look, the way we dress, the way we act, or the things we like and dislike and for what, a chance at a happily ever after?  I’m starting to believe that this is never going to happen.  It was all some big fairy tale cooked up by our mothers to keep us living the life they themselves had subscribed.  I find that men for the most part are immature jerks who’s only thoughts are filled with naked girls ready whenever they feel like it to pleasure them.  Those girls never say no. 

Well I hate to tell guys that not all girls are like that and if that is the thoughts you have in mind for a relationship then their isn’t much chance of getting one without walking away from it, when you get bored with your new toy, with some sort of disease.  What is worse is that it is guys like you who make it bad for those guys who are really wanting a relationship.  These guys want a woman who has class and doesn’t play stupid games.  They want a girl who will say no and mean it.  One that cares and really wants to know what is wrong.  The sad part is that most guys like that end up with girls who are of the other persuasion, meaning that they want a guy who is only in it for sex.

The girls who are used by the guy in example one are the ones who end up bitter and angry at men in general.  Once they find a nice guy, like the one in example two they figure the guy is just in it for the sex and they don’t really want a relationship.  These girls then take out every past hurt from the guys in example one on the guy in example two.  All this does is leave both feeling used, spent, and hurt. 

I understand how these girls can feel.  I have been there, done that.  My first boyfriend was a type one as was the second.  As a matter of fact the only reason that my second boyfriend dated me was because my first boyfriend and the rumors going around told him I was.  He was very sadly mistaken.  My ex-husband was even like that.  He started out like guy two and ended up a guy one.  He was a guy one in guy two’s clothes. 

All of this lead up to problems in my relationships since my separation from my husband.  I met a wonderful man who was a guy type two.  He was an attentive, loving, and really cared how I felt.  He was scared and worried when I hurt my knee, following me around and helping me out.  I however couldn’t shake off the sneaking suspicion that he was a type one guy.  I would accuse him of things I knew in the back of my mind couldn’t possibly be true.  People talked and said things and I wanted to trust and believe him but then the voice of the girl who had dated so many type one guys spoke up and I couldn’t help but believe her.

This put a strain on things and we grew apart.  He couldn’t hang out with his friends without someone saying he was seeing someone else and this all became more than our relationship could stand.  I don’t blame him for he wasn’t doing anything wrong.  He was a truly loving and caring man and always will be.  He is still caring even though we aren’t together anymore.  He looks out for me and makes sure I’m doing OK.  For this I really do love him dearly.  Someday I hope I can forgive those whom have hurt me in the past and accept that not every guy is like the type ones.  Once I do maybe there will be a chance for me yet.       

Kids as Men

I know it has been a little while since I have written.  Life has been keeping me busy.  The kids are almost done with school for the year and I have been attempting to make sure they all pass.  My friends have also been needing some much needed attention from me as well.

As it is spring, many people are falling in love and then there are those who chose now to fall out of love.  A friend of mine has been having difficulty with her relationships.  On one hand her boyfriend has taken to chasing tail and all he ever really wants from her is a piece.  Then there is a guy friend of hers who has picked now as the time to let her know he has feelings for her.  She is so confused about what to do and I have been there to listen and offer my outside view of the situation.

Why do guys feel the need to change girlfriends when the weather warms and all the girls are wearing next to nothing?  Just once I wish guys wouldn’t be so focused on what their little self wants and focus on what is really important in life, someone to listen to their wants and dreams and help them achieve it.  The last thing that should be important is how often your penis is seeing action.  I understand that some people equate sex with love but let me tell you guys, women want more than a good roll in the hay.

Anyway, I have found that my life is getting more complicated.  There is a guy out there who is interested in me and there is a guy who has been interested in me for a while now.  I know that this sounds a lot like my friend’s situation, but trust me it isn’t.  I am torn between two lovers, so to speak.  The first guy I just met and he is wonderful.  He finds me beautiful and has no problem telling me so.  He is smart and and attractive.  The second guy I have known for awhile and have known that he likes me but we have many things standing in our way, the least of which are my children.  He is afraid my kids will harm his chances of getting full custody of his son.  Guy number one doesn’t know I even have kids.

What does it say about me?  I am afraid my children will ruin everything for me.  My children want me to find someone yet whenever I do find someone they put up as many roadblocks as they can to make the guy frustrated and wanting to leave.  I want to change them so they are accepting of a new guy but how do I go about it?  If anyone has any ideas please let me know.  I really don’t want to miss out on Mr. Right because my kids chase him away.

Well I really need to get going and get the kids in bed…stay tuned for the next adventure in the stories of new lee.

 

 

Odd Man Out

I know it has been a little while since I’ve written but I’ve been dealing with a lot of self induced drama as of late.  Questioning things in my life, such as, where do I go from here, is my college experience what I need or am I really in need of something different.  Then there is the whole situation with my relationship or relative lack of one.  This past weekend I went camping and while I had a good time, I couldn’t help but feel a little like the third wheel.  Everyone else had someone else and I was left to my own devices.  It was a little hurtful but the company I kept tried to make me feel better about it. 

The original reason I went camping was to get away from all of the stuff of my life, kids, ex, family.  the bad part was that I had my phone on and they called, interrupting.  I know they were just trying to find out who I was with and I’m sure they were hoping for me to be there with someone who should be significant in my life in the near future.  I hate to disappoint them but I wasn’t there looking for or with any type of man who would be interested in me in any kind of manner that would denote a real relationship. 

We drove through the campgrounds looking for a quiet place to camp.  We went past the people with kids, hell I had gotten away from my kids, last thing I was going to want was to have a bunch of screaming kids around.  We found a spot surrounded by older people and settled in for the night.  Then a car drove up.  This car was full of drunken “kids” who were looking for a place to finish the beers they brought with them.  They were loud and crude.  They discussed things I never needed to know about them, even if we were dating.  Eventually they passed out and not a moment too soon.

I met a squirrel who became my friend as he scratched around outside my tent looking for a small morsel to eat.  He found one and went to the nearest tree to enjoy his meal.  I took pictures of this wondrous event yet it is hard to see what it is. 

Overall I would have to say the weekend wasn’t quite long enough for me.  That is why I asked my childrens’ father to take the kids longer than 24 hours.  I need a break from my life.  I need a vacation and this is the next best thing to getting that.  Silence and nature, two of the things I love most.  Now if only I could find someone to spend it with…I hate being the odd person out.