Not Much

I know I keep promising something exciting about my life will come but as of yet I really haven’t figured out what has caused all of this drama in my life.  I will however post something interesting.  Well interesting to me.

Anyway.  Yesterday I spoke with my future ex husband.  We haven’t been on speaking terms in a very long time but I think someone dying has a way to change that, even in the worst love/hate relationship.  No one has died yet but they are about one foot into the grave.  I have never really been a fan of the person but I digress. 

After he spoke to my oldest son he spoke to me.  Well actually I guess maybe I should back up a little.  His sister forced him to talk to my son and then my son forced me to speak to him.  It was a pleasant conversation anyway.  Hell, he even complemented me on something.  I was proud.  Kind of. 

He asked me why I don’t like his girlfriend.  Actually he said hate.  I told him the truth as he needed to know it.  I told him I don’t hate her.  I have no reason to.  This was a small white lie and I don’t think he needs to know the truth.  His girlfriend is a back stabbing b&*@%.  I know this is harsh but it is the truth.  She would sell out her mom to get what she wants. 

Anyway, the complement was about my cooking.  He did say I was a good cook.  I would have taken it as a complement however he followed it up with the fact that I made him fat.  He wondered how he weighs as much now as he did when we were together but he fits into smaller jeans.  Muscle, my dear, muscle. 

Anyway I will finish this up as I have many more things to do once I’m done with this.  Anyway, check back and see what the latest is in my life…

Moving

I know I promised my next couple of posts would be about my problems and when I developed them but I feel this one warrants some attention. 

Today I was visited by an animal control officer and three county sheriff’s deputies.  Isn’t it funny that it takes three officers to tell me my cats are not being properly cared for.  Well actually they are however the animal control officer didn’t think so.  I don’t get it.  Where we are staying there is someone smoking pot just down the hall and the police officer didn’t “smell” it but my cats are comfortable where they are and I’m a bad person. 

Actually I would like to thank the person who has decided to get involved with my life yet again.  I find it funny, when I want help there is no one willing but when I feel I have it under control then everyone gets involved. 

This leads me to my current point.  I feel maybe things would be better if I would move out of here.  I was thinking of moving to a state where no one knows me and starting my life all over again.  I know this sounds strange coming from someone who wanted to live here her entire life but any more I don’t have anything here and what I do have here doesn’t care.  I don’t even think they would notice if I moved away and left no forwarding address.

Ok maybe they would but right now I don’t think so.  The only time anyone in my family notices me it is when they need something or when I have done something so horrible that I could never make up for it.  This is the case.  I called my mother and she then called my brother of course and he said what he always says.  My mother tells me she is busy and she is leaving with my brother and sister in law.  She never tells me where they are going and this doesn’t really bother me but I know it should.  My younger brother doesn’t want to see me while he is in prison.  I know this should upset me however I’m ok with it.  I never had any intentions of visiting him anyway.  It would have been nice to be thought of. 

So as for my move, I haven’t decided where but I have a few months to decide.  I can’t leave the state until my divorce is final which isn’t until mid December.  Until then I will just have to continue on with everything that is going on right now and plan for my future life.

Why do people want to know what is going on in my life?  Is it really that interesting?  Well actually it is but not in the way other people are interested in it.  My ex boyfriend has put me through hell with all of his crap.  He was scared of the dark and all those things which go bump in it.  He used this to fuel our relationship.  When I found out he was lying to me he was gone.  I have four children and they don’t need this.  They need something stable.  So do I.  He wasn’t it and I don’t knows if I will ever find someone who is.

Until then, I will live my life, with all the disturbances and people butting in. 

Just Another Day in the Life

Man I love Chinese but I hate what it does to my keyboard.  My roommate was eating and typing at the same time.  She loves fried shrimp and now my keyboard is very greasy.  It is ok, I’m sure it will clean right up.

Anyway, my life hasn’t changed much recently but I know here very soon my life is going to go from calm to chaotic.  I will be moving into a house and this may bring with it the change in my children and their schools.  We will have new nosy neighbors and could have screaming kids who aren’t mine.  There will be a new job for me and this will bring new people into my life.  Hopefully they will be nice but you can never tell.  Hey maybe there will be a very attractive man who will sweep me off my feet and take me away from all of this.  Maybe not.  I will make the best of it no matter what.

I got to thinking about the future and where I fit into it.  I guess I don’t necessarily see myself fitting into a new relationship with someone when my own situation is less than perfect.  Truthfully I want to go back a few years.  Back to when I was happy, had a lot of friends and a roof over my head.  Did I mention a guy who adored me?  Well maybe I wasn’t suppose to be happy.  Maybe I was suppose to find a new way and carve my own path.  I think that is what this challenging situation in my life right now is all about.  Learning I am important and people will respect me for who I am not some sham of a life I live. 

I remember back to when I first started going out after my dad died.  I didn’t let anyone know I had kids.  I didn’t want people to know about them because I didn’t want to have to explain my choices in life.  It is very difficult for me to talk about my life with my husband and how I got pregnant in high school, I already have a degree and am not using it and many more things I don’t like to discuss.  I will have to tell people about how my life has hit rock bottom since my husband left.  How my attention went from my family to nothing.   I shut down on everyone and everything.  I think somehow I haven’t moved on.  I push everything and everyone away from me.  

I try to look on the lighter side of things and wonder if this feeling will ever go away.  I can’t have a positive relationship since everyone I meet I compare to those people who have hurt me in the past.  I don’t compare them to those people who have been there for me even though I admire them.  I should look for a guy to be in my life like my dad.  I found him and yet I push him away because I’m afraid he will hurt me like my ex did.  I can’t trust him, instead I constantly think he is cheating on me or lying to me even though he has never given me a reason to.  I do this because I trusted my ex and he did all these things to me.  I want the feelings to change and for me to feel better about myself.  Until then I can’t live a “happily ever after” life.

Here I guess is the question I need to answer for myself.  Do I want to live that life?  What if the reason I haven’t been able to move on is not based on the people in my life but because I am choosing to be miserable.  I need to stop looking at myself like a martyr and start looking at my life like someone who has had things happen to them but let those things shape their life instead of ruling it.  Now all I need to do is find a place to start.  I always like to start at the very beginning.  I know, very “Sound of Music” of me but hey it is a good place to start. 

Where is the beginning?  Should I go back to my birth which I’m certain no one wants the graphic details of.  Who would want to hear about how I can out of my mother’s kooter?  Well I guess sick perverts or someone interested in my mother but hopefully no one who reads this blog.  (If you do want those details just leave a comment with your e-mail and I will send you the full story and then quit read this blog.)  I could go back to my childhood and how I became a mother to my youngest brother (even though my own mother was still very much in our life) when I was just 8!  Or how I was my other brother’s translator.  There are many places I could go back to and any of them could even explain what is going on in my current life. 

Maybe for the next couple of posts I will review my life and see where the problem lies and maybe you all can watch me grow into a beautiful older, more mature woman; a loving, caring mother; and a forgiving girlfriend.  Until then I have some work to do.  To my therapist’s couch I go (man is this therapist going to be getting even richer off me)…