Archive for February, 2009

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A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.