Archive for September, 2007

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Everything’s Fine

September 28, 2007

I know I haven’t been able to say this enough lately but everything is going fine for us.  Just when we were wondering how we were going to feed everyone for dinner, my money came in.  However not without some problems.  All day today my card has been giving me the finger.  One minute it will work the next minute it will not work.  I called the company and they said “Our system has been down.”  I got this stupid card because they said it would make my life easier.  I think they lied.

Anyway I will post more later about our new digs and what not so check back later.

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One Day at a Time

September 26, 2007

Sometimes I think I need to live my life this way.  I have realized that it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get my life together.  Just when I think it is going to happen for me something changes.  It is like my life isn’t communicating with me anymore. 

I now have a definite date for my divorce to be final.  I will be a free woman before Christmas.  I can’t wait.  I don’t know that things are going to change for me just because I got divorced.  I could go out if I wanted to but I don’t.  Instead I sit at home and watch the grass grow.  Right now this is more true than ever before.

I know I’m not going to be one of those party girls just because I can.  I’ve already done that.  I went wild about a year after my husband left.  I’m past that phase in my life.  What phase I have moved into is currently unknown to me right now.  I hope my next phase in life includes some much needed R & R. 

I could use a good vacation.  One where I can get away from it all.  No kids, no worries, no camping.  And maybe it can be somewhere warm.  I’d almost like a vacation like Stella.  I need to get my groove back!!!

I know some of you are thinking ewe no you don’t need your groove and ewe….but hey “even big girls need lovin’.”  That is something one of my brothers friends has said to me before.  I find it appropriate in my case right now.  Keep in mind he wasn’t talking about me however later I found out he really didn’t care who he was talking about (I soon stopped speaking to him).   

Anyway…I know life will soon turn around and hopefully for the better.  Until then I sit here watching the grass grow wanting more…

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Nosy Neighbors

September 25, 2007

I have realized when you live your life with the curtains open people will peer inside.  There is even better a chance when you live it in a tent and your neighbors have nothing better going for them but to look at you.  My “camping” neighbors need to get a life.

Yesterday, I was visited by some of Polk Co. IA’s finest.  Someone had reported we were staying there as homeless people.  How nice.  I have only been doing this for about 2 months now and finally someone notices.  A few days away from it all being over and they notice.  Great!!! 

Now keep in mind I was nice and everything but damn how come people can’t just ask us if we need any help.  They wanted to know if the kids were going to school (and even checked up on it this morning with a stop by our campsite as we were leaving).  This is really sad since one of their own is a safety officer at my older children’s school and he knows when they are there and what our situation is.  

I could understand if my children weren’t being taken care of but they are and I can’t wait until we are no longer out in public view.  Even better then this was the fact that the visit by them left our other neighbors staring.  I guess we gave them something new to talk about.  I want curtains!!! 

On the plus side, life is going well.  I am already beginning to set up plans for when my divorce is final and in the short term, when we move into a house, my kids birthday bash, and Halloween. Not necessarily in that order.  I am throwing a party.  Who wouldn’t?  I have been in hell for the last few years and when it is all over I will be so happy.

Well I will post more on this later.  I hope you all have a good day and remember always stop to smell the roses but be careful not to get stung by the bee.

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I Think I Have a Fan Base

September 21, 2007

I was tickled pink when I saw people are actually reading what I have to say.  At least I hope they are reading it.  Well to those of you die-hard fans here is a new post.

I think I have hit rock bottom.  If this isn’t rock bottom then it has to be pretty damn close because I’ve got my shovel out.  There is no money in the bank, no gas in the car and no place to call home.  I would say this has got to be it. 

I know after all of this I will be a better person but what do I do until then?  I am scared I may not make it that long and I keep hoping something will change soon but as is everything in my life…day late and a dollar short.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I know life is supposed to be rough but what am I suppose to do.

As far as my relationship, I don’t know which direction we are headed.  I think it is time I move on and let go of the dead horse I’ve been beating.  I don’t feel the emotional attachment to anyone I use to and this makes me feel all alone.  My roommate is holding me back as well.  She doesn’t want me to get a job because then she will miss me.  I understand this and would feel the same way but we have to have money coming in. 

Then there is my children.  They are driving me to the point of crazy and I don’t know what to do with them any more.  They are lazy and irresponsible.  They can’t even clean up after themselves.  Why would I want to have anyone in my life when it is like it is?  As time moves on I think I should just be alone with my kids and live exactly like my mother.  It isn’t easier but it would release a lot of people who are already stressed to the point of no return. 

I am tired of fighting.  I fight with everyone and I don’t know what to do about it.  I don’t know if it is me or the stress I’m under but I can’t help it.  All I want in my life is a little truth.  ~ “The truth will set you free.” ~ 

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Radio Days

September 19, 2007

I know I’m going to sound corny but I don’t care.  I love sappy romantic men.  At night, when I listen to the radio, I always have it tuned in to Delilah’s radio show.  She is a wonderful woman and an inspiration to women everywhere.  She isn’t afraid to tell people like she sees things and I love this about her.

Last night I had class so I missed a portion of her show but my roommate had it on in the car when I got in.  I had missed the caller but I heard the song “When a Man Loves a Woman” and my roommate was filling me in.

A male caller, which is rare for this type of show, wanted her advice.  He was in love with a woman he called “Lee” and had been for a long time.  They met at work and were in a hot and heavy relationship.  He called her his girlfriend though he had never asked her out on a date.  He was worried because he felt their relationship was falling apart.  He wanted to know what to do.  Delilah gave him a lot of grief (keep in mind this is a shortened version of the call).  She told him he was doing things backwards and needed to ask this girl out on a date.

This reminded me of my relationship with my “boyfriend” and myself.  Our relationship and its definitions have changed over the course of the last year and we are this couple.  I’m thinking it is him.  He won’t tell me and since I didn’t hear it I may never know.  Except that I have an e-mail going out to the show asking them if I can hear it.

Either way, I love him very much and even if he is the one on the radio, I would say yes to him every single day.  As for the song, it is our song.  He loves the oldies and I’m just a sap for romantic music.

Well check back and I will let you all know if it was him and how our first “date” went!!! 

     

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Thank You

September 14, 2007

I know I promised to keep writing if you all keep reading and I will keep my promise.  Thank you for reading my work and I hope you like the post.

Yesterday I was reminded again of how much I hate my mother.  I know hate is such a strong word but somehow it is very deserved.  She is going to drive me to do something I won’t like.  I should snap a twig on her ass but she is my mom and I think it would be inappropriate. 

She needs to learn to respect my role as an adult and a parent.  She has difficulty with those two things.  I think she sometimes forgets how old I really am and that those children came out of my womb not hers. 

If I was to trace it all back I would say she is trying to fix what happened with her children through my children.  She is failing.  My roommate and I have been discussing openly with my oldest son about the possiblity of him spending some time in a home for problem youths.  We have the place picked out and know everything about having it become his new “home” if he doesn’t straighten up.  He told my mom  and she told him we couldn’t do that without a court order.  She is wrong but of course he thinks she is “God” and therefore knows everything.  She also called and left me a message telling me she thinks my son and daughter should come to her house where she can fill their heads with all sorts of crap and buy them stuff.  She then tells me stuff they don’t say to make me feel bad so I will give in an she will get her way about something.  She is wrong again.

How do I stop her from getting into my life to the point of destroying it?  She has caused problems in my life between my friends and I, my love life has suffered under her thumb, and many other things which would take up too much time to post.

She assumes I go out to the bar all the time and get drunk.  I haven’t been out to a bar since last November.  I did go bowling in February sans kids but there was no drinking involved and I was home before midnight.  She thinks I lie.  I let her think it because it has made some of my relationships easier.  The one boyfriend I had can’t stand her because she caused problems between his mother and I (well actually his mother and mine ~ his mom stuck up for me.)  She misunderstands things people say and this has caused more than one fight between him and I.  I don’t think I mentioned my mother knew his mother and step-father long before I knew him. 

Anyway she drives me crazy.  She still expects things of me that I can not produce.  She believes all I do all day is sit on my butt and lounge around.  Apparently she forot what it was like being a parent.  I have to spend the first hour of my day practically dressing my four children so that we can leave to take them to school.  Then between dropping off children #1, 2 and #3 I do my homework and that is for about an hour.  Then I either go to the library and do my online homework or I go to class.  After I have done this I take my youngest to school.  Once he is in the safety of his teachers I breath a sigh of relief and head off to do my arrands.  By the time I’m done with those it is time to pick up kids again.  Off to “home” where I can make and serve dinner, get all the kids bathed and in bed just in time to do my homework in the dark with a flashlight.  I wonder when in my day she wants me to fit anything else in.  

Yet I try.  I am still looking for a job, a place to actually call home, and managing to not have  a breakdown.  I would call that pretty full, wouldn’t you?

I guess I should ask her if she would like to trade me sometime.  I’ve done her job, cashiering at Wal-Mart, and it isn’t that hard.  Maybe she should try doing mine.  I bet after only a few hours she would be begging me to take my life back and never bother me again.

Well thank you one and all for reading my run on and on about my life segment.  Maybe next time I will have some good news to report.

Remember give those who are close to you a hug and tell them you love them.  You may never get another chance.  I know I didn’t. 

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Happy Birthday

September 12, 2007

I know a few people having a birthday this month and I just want to wish them a happy birthday. 

To my love, I know turning 30 will be hard but I promise I will make you feel more like you’re turning 21.  You aren’t as old as you think you are and remember age is just a number, even if yours is 56.

To my father, I know you have been gone a couple of years now but I still miss you and celebrate your birthday as a reminder of where I came from.  You were a wonderful person and you will always be missed.  I know I didn’t get down to “see” you with the pizza and beer like I did last year but I will visit soon and bring a wonderful feast.

To my future ex-mother-in-law, I know I haven’t spoken to you in awhile now but I feel you are special in the life of my children, even if you aren’t there.

To my oldest brother, I know we haven’t ever really met and spent anytime together but I would like that to change.  I don’t want to lose contact with you and hope to see you in the future. 

To my oldest son, I know things have been rough and it isn’t easy to be a teenager but you need to realize you aren’t the center of the universe.  I look forward to helping you achieve your goals and dreams as you want to get your permit and a job, both responsibilities you need to act more mature to receive.

To my roommate’s “one true love”, may you have a special birthday this year.  Remember 30 isn’t that far away so enjoy your 20’s while you can.  If your still looking for someone to go out with, you have my number right?  I promise not to tell her what you do as long as you can behave yourself.

To my middle son, I know you are a very bright boy and you will do well in this world.  Someday people will see you for who you truly are and love you even more.  Always remember to smile and never let the world get you down.

May all of you get all that you want and more for your birthday.  I wish you all well.

I forgot a birthday and I know he may actually read this:

To my true loves brother ~ I know you guys don’t always get along but at least you are trying.  He has a thick head and I know sometimes he is stuck in his ways but as long as you are sincere in what you are trying to do I think he will come around.  BTW your writing on here is awesome.  I hope to meet you soon, any plans to come back to Iowa?

Also to those people who’s birthdays I didn’t mention I appologies.  It isn’t that you don’t matter, it’s just that I forgot but Happy Birthday to you anyway!!!