Archive for the ‘randomness’ Category

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A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.

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Too Tired to Deal

August 30, 2008

Lately I have been having trouble sleeping.  I will fall asleep and the a few hours later, wake up, sweating and them have trouble falling back to sleep until after the kids go to school.  That was until yesterday.  I fell asleep right before the kids needed to get up for school.  I woke them when the alarm went off and then fell back to sleep.  If my kids hadn’t been annoying my roommate I would have missed getting them out the door.  I fell back asleep again and slept until almost noon.  I woke only briefly, to make lunch, and then fell back to sleep again.  I slept off and on the rest of the day, dozing every time I leaned back in my chair.  Heck, I even went to bed before my younger kids did, so I didn’t get to tell them goodnight.  I woke up again in the middle of the night because one of my roommates friends was coming over and when she got here she woke me up, and kept me up.  Now I can’t fall back to sleep.

I remember being able to do this a few years ago.  Go for days on very little to no sleep and most of the time I didn’t crash either.  I would just find a few extra minutes in the day to close my eyes, usually by going to bed a little earlier.  This is something new and I really wish I could explain it.  The sweating, I figure is because the house gets stuffy at night so my body is trying to tell me to wake up and turn on a fan or something.  If this is the case though, then why can’t I fall back to sleep once I am comfortable?

All of this body clock drama has caused me to miss things in my kids lives.  Tonight I know that my older kids didn’t listen to me and that my roommate had to deal with it.  The kids snuck off from where they said they were going and didn’t let me know.  I found out because my brother saw my son minus my daughter at the gas station.  Apparently the gas station is where the school football game was held.  Well when my kids got home some sort of arguing happened and I think there was something about the kids stories not matching up, again I don’t know because I was sleeping.  I guess I will have to get to the bottom of this nonsense.

Well until later, I hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day Weekend.  To those of you who have the weekend off, please be kind to those people who don’t and to those who are working, try to find time to enjoy the weekend.

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Deception, Lies, and All the Other Things Good Families are For

July 11, 2008

For a very long time I have spent the better part of my life blaming everyone else for the things in my life that have gone all wrong.  I have realized, after some rather shallow thinking, that the things in my life that have gone wrong, while involving others, have been my own fault. 

I have been suffering from my delusions for so long that I have stopped taking the balme for the things which have brought about the pain in my life.  So here, for all the world to see, I have decided to own my feelings, pains, and angers.  I know there are plenty of people who will read this and say WTF and then there are some of you who will read this and say it’s about damn time.

The first thing I would like to address is the breakdown of my marriage.  I am willing to accept that I had some responsiblity for it all going south.  I wasn’t willing to let things go and I wasn’t very supportive.  I didn’t do my fair share of the work, anywhere, not just at home.  I do realize that I wasn’t working near hard enough to keep our relationship together and even though it takes two people for anything relationship wise, I will admit that you weren’t alone in the blame and shouldn’t be the only one to be punished for it.

As far as my current situation, with regards to my family, you are also not fully to blame.  I shouldn’t be living with you.  I should never have moved back in with you.  I should have learned from the last time I lived with you.  For this is my own fault.  I should have known that you would take everyone else’s side over mine, no matter who else is involved.  I needed to learn my position in the family, well I guess it is more of a lack of family position from the previous attempts to be a part of the family.  I should have received the hint when I wasn’t invited to important family functions, you know things such as first birthday parties and the like.  I understand that it is my own fault for trying to be included where I am not WANTED!!!  For this I am sorry.  I will no longer seek your approval, for I don’t deserve it.  Nor do I really need it.  I know you don’t like me nor my children for that matter.  What is sad is that I have been trying harder and harder to make you like us all and for what?  To have you tell me we aren’t good enough for you.  Well let me just tell you that it is the other way around.  You are not good enough for us.  Anyone that allows the things you allow to happen because of what ever reason you give yourself to help you sleep at night is nothing more than an enabler.  Yes that is right.  You enable the things that happen and by doing so only encourage the behavior.  Well I can tell you that once we are gone he will point his anger at you, for you will be the only one there, and for that I don’t feel sorry.  You have earned every ounce of the karma coming your way, and if I were you, I would get ready for it!!!

To the other member of the family I am staying with, you do deserve everything you get.  One day your female companion will realize exactly who you are, a lying, cheating, asshole.  When she does I hope it isn’t too late for her.  Your problems are not mine but have become mine because I have been too busy covering your ass, keeping you on the outside.  Well maybe what you need is to spend some real time on the inside.  Not in a half way house but in a real prison where bad things happen to people.  Again it would all be due to the karma you so steadily deserve.  I should have never lied for you and from this day forward, I’m not going to, no matter what the consequences are to me.  I will sleep better at night knowing that my children are safe from people like you and your so called friends.  I wish you luck with everything in your life and hope that all of the things I know about you won’t come back to haunt you.  You know what is amazing about this, I get beaten and abused and you get nothing.  How fair is that.  You use drugs and alcohol violating all of the terms of your probation and parole in the house you are “forced” to live in and I am the one who is kicked out.  You know you say that you are forced to live here, please explain this to me.  You are also supposed to be “forced” not to drink, leave after your curfew, go out to the bar, and possess a firearm but you still managed to do all of those things so maybe you could tell me how you are “forced” to do anything.  Well my friend you aren’t.  I think it is just a fear of actually having to care for yourself that has you saying you are “forced” to do anything!!!

The reason I have difficulty obtaining employment is also all my fault.  It is my own fear of being out there and meeting new people that have caused me all of the trouble I have had.  The reasons I lost my job are also all mine.  I stole from myself, what was it $1800.00, and then reported myself to the cops for them to tell me there was nothing they could do.  I bounced the checks to my workplace because I knew the money had been stolen from my account.  You are right this is my fault.  I never should have trusted you in my life.  I should have known that you and your friends were only going to rob me blind when my back was turned, usually doing something nice for you.  Did you enjoy those wonderful meals out, the ones I took you to.  Hell I didn’t just take you, I took your lying, stealing bitch and your kid too.  How could I have been so mean to you?

The sad thing about all of this is that the one person who really cared about me and understood me was the only reason I tolerated all of you.  None of you are really worth my negative energy and as I clean my subconscious clutter by writing this blog I realize that this negativity I have been carrying around has made me a miserable person.  I have been living on pins and needle around all of you, not letting the true me live because you all don’t like the real me.  As my family, you all talk about me around me, not one of you ever ask ME!!!  I got rid of all my friends for the same reason.  So why am I hanging on to all of you.  There really isn’t any good reason for me to.  Maybe it is my loyalty to my family, maybe it is because that is what good people are supposed to do.  Either way, I don’t know.  All I do know is that this whole thing is killing me.

I know that everything written here may be taken by some as an admission of guilt.  Actually it isn’t an admission so much as a clearing of the lenses that make up the glasses of my life.  I choose not to be defined by all of the hate, or by the company I keep.  See there is something no one counts on.  It is the soul fact that a person can not change their family, and mine is about as mean as you can get.  I know that not all of you are guilty on every level.  I know that some members of my family have tried, but because of the situations and repeated denials and accusations and threats and whatever else, now choose to turn a blind eye because it happens outside of your box so to speak.  Well the sad thing is it happens in my box all the time and it is for this reason that I need to break free of the confines that bind me to all of you.  It isn’t because I don’t care, it is because I care too much for all of you.  I worry that you will end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life.  I don’t want that for any of you. 

I spent the better part of my life with no one listening to me.  All that I asked was to be heard.  All you wanted to do was silence me, stifling me until my inner flame was extinguished.  I can’t allow you all to do this to me anymore.  I want to fly free of you all, free of the ties that bind me to you, to all the negativity that surrounds you.  I wish you all the best of luck in your lives, and don’t worry about me I will be fine.

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All the Guys Who Know How to Treat a Woman, This Isn’t for You!!!

June 9, 2008

Why does life have to be so cruel?  I promised to stop dwelling on how horrible my life is, relationship wise, but after last night I can’t help it.  Men can be scum.  Why is it they feel a woman must be toned, tight, curvy, whatever, in order to fall in love with them.  I thought love is supposed to be blind.  I guess someone forgot to tell some people that.

Why is it that men assume things about women and never stop to think?  There are more parts to women than the flesh they reside in.  Is it not enough to be intellectually stimulating, devastatingly witty, downright charming?  This is the part I find funny.  The one thing that attracts guys to women is the only damn thing that will change.  Eventually all women will gain weight, have wrinkles, drooping boobs, and will go grey.  That is what is interesting.  Their minds are still intact, unchanged.

Realizing this kind of makes me laugh.  It doesn’t help with the pain of knowing that a guy will never look at me the way he looks at a perfect 10 but do I really want a relationship based on how I look.  This should be a bonus to the relationship, not the basis for it. 

Some guys need to get off themselves.  I wonder if these guys realize that they will go bald, get love handles, go grey, and get wrinkles.  They themselves won’t be perfect 10’s their whole life.  You know what I find most interesting, people who view others based on looks don’t realize that with surgery or weight loss or whatever, I can change how I look.  Can you do the same with your own inadequacy?  As far as this goes, without surgery, none of us will look fabulous forever.  We all will wither away and die, just like everyone else.

I don’t know why this has gotten under my skin so much.  Maybe it’s because trying to teach a shallow person something isn’t as easy as intellectually stimulating as I thought it would be.  This person, in particular, is proud of the fact that e swims in the shallow end.  What is so sad for him is he really isn’t good looking and uses his former (not current) occupation as a way to pick up chicks (he doesn’t like to name drop but if he can use it to get into your pants and get him where he wants to go, he has no problem with it at all).

The other thing I have noticed about men like these is that they tend to believe they are the best lovers with the biggest penises.  Boy, are they WRONG!!!  Worse is they believe they know what to do with what they’ve got.  Sad to say but most of these men don’t know what they are doing, and worse yet, their only concern within the sexual department is that they themselves are satisfied.  Didn’t they forget something – like their partner?  They could just as easily get themselves done and leave the woman out all together.

This is something men should pay attention to.  Women are looking for a guy who has a gift for knowing exactly what she wants and not stopping until she is satisfied, before even considering himself.  He learns how she responds to his touch, how she likes to be handled.  He doesn’t assume she will just lay there, legs in the air, watching the clock, knowing it won’t be more than a few minutes before he rolls over and falls asleep, leaving her frustrated, needing to finish the thing he started on her own.  All this and knowing she will have to stroke his ego and tell him how big he is, how good he is, lying the entire time, letting him think he is the best she has ever had.

To all you men out there, take heed.  Women are going to start looking for exactly what they want in a man.  Women stand up and tell them how you feel.  Don’t let this situation continue on to affect our daughters and sons.  Teach them respect, love, too look beyond a nice butt or a huge rack.  We are more than our parts.  We aren’t Barbie and shouldn’t ever be expected to be.

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Sometimes Being Older is Helpful

May 24, 2008

There are some old things I have written in the past year and never felt the need to post them.  I feel that, right now I’m at a point where I am re-examining my past and seeing what is and isn’t working for me and doing away with those things which aren’t helpful to me.  I guess you could say that I’m cleaning out my closet.  I hope all those who read this enjoy them as they are meant to be.

No one can see the shame in me

On the bark of this aged, old tree

 

Fearing to name this harmfulness

Burying deep within my abyss

 

Darkness hides things well my dear

For none have found in twice the years

 

Now upon my voice you carry

Hear thee well make all us merry

Spring brings for the chance for rebirth

But also the final nail in the coffin

Those things which have died up until now

Must stay buried forever starts now

 

 

Fears are defenses against success

Embracing your fears lead to success

Fears are successes waiting to happen

 

 

Failure is other people’s way of saying you just aren’t ready yet.

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Kids as Men

May 20, 2008

I know it has been a little while since I have written.  Life has been keeping me busy.  The kids are almost done with school for the year and I have been attempting to make sure they all pass.  My friends have also been needing some much needed attention from me as well.

As it is spring, many people are falling in love and then there are those who chose now to fall out of love.  A friend of mine has been having difficulty with her relationships.  On one hand her boyfriend has taken to chasing tail and all he ever really wants from her is a piece.  Then there is a guy friend of hers who has picked now as the time to let her know he has feelings for her.  She is so confused about what to do and I have been there to listen and offer my outside view of the situation.

Why do guys feel the need to change girlfriends when the weather warms and all the girls are wearing next to nothing?  Just once I wish guys wouldn’t be so focused on what their little self wants and focus on what is really important in life, someone to listen to their wants and dreams and help them achieve it.  The last thing that should be important is how often your penis is seeing action.  I understand that some people equate sex with love but let me tell you guys, women want more than a good roll in the hay.

Anyway, I have found that my life is getting more complicated.  There is a guy out there who is interested in me and there is a guy who has been interested in me for a while now.  I know that this sounds a lot like my friend’s situation, but trust me it isn’t.  I am torn between two lovers, so to speak.  The first guy I just met and he is wonderful.  He finds me beautiful and has no problem telling me so.  He is smart and and attractive.  The second guy I have known for awhile and have known that he likes me but we have many things standing in our way, the least of which are my children.  He is afraid my kids will harm his chances of getting full custody of his son.  Guy number one doesn’t know I even have kids.

What does it say about me?  I am afraid my children will ruin everything for me.  My children want me to find someone yet whenever I do find someone they put up as many roadblocks as they can to make the guy frustrated and wanting to leave.  I want to change them so they are accepting of a new guy but how do I go about it?  If anyone has any ideas please let me know.  I really don’t want to miss out on Mr. Right because my kids chase him away.

Well I really need to get going and get the kids in bed…stay tuned for the next adventure in the stories of new lee.

 

 

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Odd Man Out

May 7, 2008

I know it has been a little while since I’ve written but I’ve been dealing with a lot of self induced drama as of late.  Questioning things in my life, such as, where do I go from here, is my college experience what I need or am I really in need of something different.  Then there is the whole situation with my relationship or relative lack of one.  This past weekend I went camping and while I had a good time, I couldn’t help but feel a little like the third wheel.  Everyone else had someone else and I was left to my own devices.  It was a little hurtful but the company I kept tried to make me feel better about it. 

The original reason I went camping was to get away from all of the stuff of my life, kids, ex, family.  the bad part was that I had my phone on and they called, interrupting.  I know they were just trying to find out who I was with and I’m sure they were hoping for me to be there with someone who should be significant in my life in the near future.  I hate to disappoint them but I wasn’t there looking for or with any type of man who would be interested in me in any kind of manner that would denote a real relationship. 

We drove through the campgrounds looking for a quiet place to camp.  We went past the people with kids, hell I had gotten away from my kids, last thing I was going to want was to have a bunch of screaming kids around.  We found a spot surrounded by older people and settled in for the night.  Then a car drove up.  This car was full of drunken “kids” who were looking for a place to finish the beers they brought with them.  They were loud and crude.  They discussed things I never needed to know about them, even if we were dating.  Eventually they passed out and not a moment too soon.

I met a squirrel who became my friend as he scratched around outside my tent looking for a small morsel to eat.  He found one and went to the nearest tree to enjoy his meal.  I took pictures of this wondrous event yet it is hard to see what it is. 

Overall I would have to say the weekend wasn’t quite long enough for me.  That is why I asked my childrens’ father to take the kids longer than 24 hours.  I need a break from my life.  I need a vacation and this is the next best thing to getting that.  Silence and nature, two of the things I love most.  Now if only I could find someone to spend it with…I hate being the odd person out.