Archive for the ‘love’ Category


A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.


All the Guys Who Know How to Treat a Woman, This Isn’t for You!!!

June 9, 2008

Why does life have to be so cruel?  I promised to stop dwelling on how horrible my life is, relationship wise, but after last night I can’t help it.  Men can be scum.  Why is it they feel a woman must be toned, tight, curvy, whatever, in order to fall in love with them.  I thought love is supposed to be blind.  I guess someone forgot to tell some people that.

Why is it that men assume things about women and never stop to think?  There are more parts to women than the flesh they reside in.  Is it not enough to be intellectually stimulating, devastatingly witty, downright charming?  This is the part I find funny.  The one thing that attracts guys to women is the only damn thing that will change.  Eventually all women will gain weight, have wrinkles, drooping boobs, and will go grey.  That is what is interesting.  Their minds are still intact, unchanged.

Realizing this kind of makes me laugh.  It doesn’t help with the pain of knowing that a guy will never look at me the way he looks at a perfect 10 but do I really want a relationship based on how I look.  This should be a bonus to the relationship, not the basis for it. 

Some guys need to get off themselves.  I wonder if these guys realize that they will go bald, get love handles, go grey, and get wrinkles.  They themselves won’t be perfect 10’s their whole life.  You know what I find most interesting, people who view others based on looks don’t realize that with surgery or weight loss or whatever, I can change how I look.  Can you do the same with your own inadequacy?  As far as this goes, without surgery, none of us will look fabulous forever.  We all will wither away and die, just like everyone else.

I don’t know why this has gotten under my skin so much.  Maybe it’s because trying to teach a shallow person something isn’t as easy as intellectually stimulating as I thought it would be.  This person, in particular, is proud of the fact that e swims in the shallow end.  What is so sad for him is he really isn’t good looking and uses his former (not current) occupation as a way to pick up chicks (he doesn’t like to name drop but if he can use it to get into your pants and get him where he wants to go, he has no problem with it at all).

The other thing I have noticed about men like these is that they tend to believe they are the best lovers with the biggest penises.  Boy, are they WRONG!!!  Worse is they believe they know what to do with what they’ve got.  Sad to say but most of these men don’t know what they are doing, and worse yet, their only concern within the sexual department is that they themselves are satisfied.  Didn’t they forget something – like their partner?  They could just as easily get themselves done and leave the woman out all together.

This is something men should pay attention to.  Women are looking for a guy who has a gift for knowing exactly what she wants and not stopping until she is satisfied, before even considering himself.  He learns how she responds to his touch, how she likes to be handled.  He doesn’t assume she will just lay there, legs in the air, watching the clock, knowing it won’t be more than a few minutes before he rolls over and falls asleep, leaving her frustrated, needing to finish the thing he started on her own.  All this and knowing she will have to stroke his ego and tell him how big he is, how good he is, lying the entire time, letting him think he is the best she has ever had.

To all you men out there, take heed.  Women are going to start looking for exactly what they want in a man.  Women stand up and tell them how you feel.  Don’t let this situation continue on to affect our daughters and sons.  Teach them respect, love, too look beyond a nice butt or a huge rack.  We are more than our parts.  We aren’t Barbie and shouldn’t ever be expected to be.


Unconditional Love

May 24, 2008

Unconditional love… Something parents are supposed to have yet I wonder how many of them really do.  Could you look your child in the eye and tell them they aren’t worth it?  It is a tough thing to think about but it is true.  Where do you draw the line at when it comes to unconditional love? 


To love unconditionally is never easy and no matter how old you get it still doesn’t get any easier.  Is there really such a thing as unconditional love or does all love comes with a price?  If it comes with a price, how much is it worth on the market these days?


I used to think love was unconditional until I started dating.  I believed that no matter what I ever did my parents would always love me.  There was never a doubt in my mind that my parents loved me.  Even though they never said it I always knew.  Or at least I thought I did. 


Since I started dating I have realized that unconditional love comes with such a steep price.  No man truly loves you just the way you are.  There is always something about you they wish they could change but they have settled for you “as is”.  They take in all of your imperfections and try to ignore them for as long as possible. 


I think this is what leads to divorce.  People settling for the things they think they can live with.  Why can’t people just realize there is someone out there who is meant for them and them alone?  Instead they marry the first thing which meets most of the things they like and figure they will have to live with the rest. 


My first marriage was this way.  I figured I couldn’t do any better then him and seeing as how he had already planted his seed, I figured I have to do this for the child, then children.  Was it the right thing to do?  Who was it right for?  Was it right for the kids, myself, him? 


To this day I still don’t know. What I do know is it wasn’t right but I was afraid of being left alone in this world.  What kind of person has to face the big bad scary world alone?  The kind who has no one else, that’s who.  I must be a person like that.  Well actually, most of us have to face it alone, we just have people who help us along our way.      



The Wide World of Relationships

May 23, 2008

Can someone please explain to me why we as women put up with so much crap to get a man.  We change the way we look, the way we dress, the way we act, or the things we like and dislike and for what, a chance at a happily ever after?  I’m starting to believe that this is never going to happen.  It was all some big fairy tale cooked up by our mothers to keep us living the life they themselves had subscribed.  I find that men for the most part are immature jerks who’s only thoughts are filled with naked girls ready whenever they feel like it to pleasure them.  Those girls never say no. 

Well I hate to tell guys that not all girls are like that and if that is the thoughts you have in mind for a relationship then their isn’t much chance of getting one without walking away from it, when you get bored with your new toy, with some sort of disease.  What is worse is that it is guys like you who make it bad for those guys who are really wanting a relationship.  These guys want a woman who has class and doesn’t play stupid games.  They want a girl who will say no and mean it.  One that cares and really wants to know what is wrong.  The sad part is that most guys like that end up with girls who are of the other persuasion, meaning that they want a guy who is only in it for sex.

The girls who are used by the guy in example one are the ones who end up bitter and angry at men in general.  Once they find a nice guy, like the one in example two they figure the guy is just in it for the sex and they don’t really want a relationship.  These girls then take out every past hurt from the guys in example one on the guy in example two.  All this does is leave both feeling used, spent, and hurt. 

I understand how these girls can feel.  I have been there, done that.  My first boyfriend was a type one as was the second.  As a matter of fact the only reason that my second boyfriend dated me was because my first boyfriend and the rumors going around told him I was.  He was very sadly mistaken.  My ex-husband was even like that.  He started out like guy two and ended up a guy one.  He was a guy one in guy two’s clothes. 

All of this lead up to problems in my relationships since my separation from my husband.  I met a wonderful man who was a guy type two.  He was an attentive, loving, and really cared how I felt.  He was scared and worried when I hurt my knee, following me around and helping me out.  I however couldn’t shake off the sneaking suspicion that he was a type one guy.  I would accuse him of things I knew in the back of my mind couldn’t possibly be true.  People talked and said things and I wanted to trust and believe him but then the voice of the girl who had dated so many type one guys spoke up and I couldn’t help but believe her.

This put a strain on things and we grew apart.  He couldn’t hang out with his friends without someone saying he was seeing someone else and this all became more than our relationship could stand.  I don’t blame him for he wasn’t doing anything wrong.  He was a truly loving and caring man and always will be.  He is still caring even though we aren’t together anymore.  He looks out for me and makes sure I’m doing OK.  For this I really do love him dearly.  Someday I hope I can forgive those whom have hurt me in the past and accept that not every guy is like the type ones.  Once I do maybe there will be a chance for me yet.       


Kids as Men

May 20, 2008

I know it has been a little while since I have written.  Life has been keeping me busy.  The kids are almost done with school for the year and I have been attempting to make sure they all pass.  My friends have also been needing some much needed attention from me as well.

As it is spring, many people are falling in love and then there are those who chose now to fall out of love.  A friend of mine has been having difficulty with her relationships.  On one hand her boyfriend has taken to chasing tail and all he ever really wants from her is a piece.  Then there is a guy friend of hers who has picked now as the time to let her know he has feelings for her.  She is so confused about what to do and I have been there to listen and offer my outside view of the situation.

Why do guys feel the need to change girlfriends when the weather warms and all the girls are wearing next to nothing?  Just once I wish guys wouldn’t be so focused on what their little self wants and focus on what is really important in life, someone to listen to their wants and dreams and help them achieve it.  The last thing that should be important is how often your penis is seeing action.  I understand that some people equate sex with love but let me tell you guys, women want more than a good roll in the hay.

Anyway, I have found that my life is getting more complicated.  There is a guy out there who is interested in me and there is a guy who has been interested in me for a while now.  I know that this sounds a lot like my friend’s situation, but trust me it isn’t.  I am torn between two lovers, so to speak.  The first guy I just met and he is wonderful.  He finds me beautiful and has no problem telling me so.  He is smart and and attractive.  The second guy I have known for awhile and have known that he likes me but we have many things standing in our way, the least of which are my children.  He is afraid my kids will harm his chances of getting full custody of his son.  Guy number one doesn’t know I even have kids.

What does it say about me?  I am afraid my children will ruin everything for me.  My children want me to find someone yet whenever I do find someone they put up as many roadblocks as they can to make the guy frustrated and wanting to leave.  I want to change them so they are accepting of a new guy but how do I go about it?  If anyone has any ideas please let me know.  I really don’t want to miss out on Mr. Right because my kids chase him away.

Well I really need to get going and get the kids in bed…stay tuned for the next adventure in the stories of new lee.




Protected: Apologizing is Never Easy

April 12, 2008

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Easter Wishes and Ostara Dreams

March 22, 2008

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers Happy Easter or Happy Ostara.  May the holiday be filled with family and friends as we celebrate the rebirth of the holy one(s). 

I know the title might be a little weird but I’m feeling that way today.  Kinda reminds me of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.  I know I’m not rich or famous in any way that counts to the masses but I feel I am rich in ways that you can’t measure, at least not with any standard device.  Famous is in the eye of the beholder.  I feel famous, everywhere I go people call out my name.  Ok so they are my kids, but I still feel famous. 

My oldest son told me, after his visit with his dad yesterday, that his dad and his girlfriend are looking at getting married within the next month.  Well I want to congratulate them on this wondrous feet.  I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you both have what he and I didn’t, the strength and courage to work through our problems and an undeniable lust for life with each other as company.  I am not in the least bit bitter as some people can be.  I am truly happy for them and wish them the best of luck.

This does make me wish I had some sort of good news for myself on this front.  When our divorce was about to be final, and I personally believe he chose to say this to make himself feel less guilty about the break up of our marriage, he told me I would be happy because this would mean I could get married.  I’m not sure exactly why he thought I would want to get married five seconds after my divorce was final but he is insane.

My first marriage happened after years of dating and one kid.  I swore I wouldn’t get married just because of a kid.  So I didn’t get married because of the first kid.  We had been dating for a couple of years when the unthinkable happened.  I got pregnant again.  So we decided we needed to get married before anyone noticed I was pregnant again.  We rushed it through and were married a month after I found out about our impending bundle of joy.  The only witnesses to our festivities were his sister, my brother, and my brother’s girlfriend at the time.  No parents, no extended family, nothing fancy.  I just wanted it over with before my parents found out.

Yes that is right, my parents didn’t like him at all and when they found out what I had done, the silence was astounding.  I look back on all of my relationship with my ex and I know that I did everything because I was ashamed of him.  I couldn’t believe I was settling for someone who was so beneath me.  

I want to make it perfectly clear that while I feel my marriage was a mistake, I don’t regret some of the best things to ever happen to me.  My children are where I get my zest for life from, the spark that lights my inner fire.  Without them I would probably not be here.  They have given me what I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off, and realize there are plenty more things in this life then the things I have lost.

Well this is enough of this post and I hope all is well with every one of you and that you find your own reason for this season.  It is a season of rebirth so may each and every one of you who read this find one thing you dislike about yourself and find a way to change it to attain the best possible feelings about yourself.