Archive for May, 2007

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Time

May 27, 2007

Sometimes I wonder where all the time in my day goes.  I feel like I never get anything done.  I wake up and before I know it, I need to get to bed.  Can’t I make this world spin slower?

I have been posting things on here as of late which I have posted elsewhere over the last year.  I know they are creative and the likes but why don’t I have the time to write something fresh and new.  It isn’t because it is difficult for me.  The time is just moving so fast I never get the chance.  Went I have a chance to I just don’t.  Boy I am terrible at this. 

I have let many things go over the course of the last year.  I have websites I haven’t updated in forever.  Email accounts I haven’t checked in probably a week or better.  I use to enjoy doing all of this.  Where did that enjoyment go?  Has it been replaced by the procrastinator in me? 

I know I should post more often and have more to say when I do but for now this is all you get when you come to visit, lousy posts and unpleasant excuses.  

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Kittens

May 25, 2007

My middle son is going to pay for this one. 

A couple of weeks ago we saw a pregnant cat in our backyard.  She was very pregnant, due any day now.  So the first thing I did was to tell my children not to touch the kittens.  We hadn’t seen any kittens so we figured she had them somewhere else.  We were wrong.

My middle son went into our shed and came out telling everyone within earshot the kittens were in there.   My daughter came running into the house yelling about it.  We told them all not to touch the kittens.  They did just the opposite.  He picked up one of the kittens.  Well we aren’t sure what happened but the mom hasn’t been back and it has been a day so we started taking care of her.  Then we found her three brothers and sisters.  Now I have four baby kittens, all needing some attention.  The kittens are beautiful.  We love them as much as we love our other cat. 

She however has a different idea about what should happen with them.  She won’t come out of her hiding spot and slinks away if they come out while she is in the room.  This is going to be a long rocky road.  Well I need to get to sleep so I can get up in the morning and feed them before I leave for the day.

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Pennies

May 23, 2007

Note: Another cross post from my journal on AOL.  Read it and enjoy!!! 

Pennies for a bag of bones

Life’s true measure

So vile an existence

Fell at one’s feet

Worthless

Pain is in the details

Scared

Cold and alone

Wondering blindly

Through the busy street

Watch out for the merchants

Selling souls by the dozen

Pennies for a bag of bones

Selling quickly

Pieces of the flesh

Easily taken

Bartering a bag of flesh

Easy as it is

Dirty little secrets

Tied up nice and neat

How we forget

True worth

Sold short

Never feeding the need

Pennies for a bag of bones

Life’s true measure

So vile an existence

Fell at one’s feet

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Night of Passion

May 22, 2007

Gentle lips

Drink me in

Fingers soft

Against my skin

Lavender and lace

Flow ‘cross my bosom

Touch dancing

Exciting o’er the flesh

Stroking sweetly

Loving desire

Rose and satin

Against our flesh

Heat and passion

Fill the room

Tangled flesh

Drawing near

Lightning flashes

Bright again the black

Flowers in bloom

Aromas abound

Wilts see

My love and me

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Lifes Little Secrets

May 22, 2007

Note :  This is something I posted in one of my other journals.  Enjoy!

Can you see

Deep within my eyes

The secret we both share

Will anyone notice

Will anyone care

What secret lies within

Only time will tell

Where this path will lead

Absolution or demise

What once was joy

Is now just a twisted wreck

Of what our life used to be

Longing for the day

When our secret

Will no longer threaten

Life we live

Secrets we leave

Behind us in the shadows

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All These Tears and for What???

May 19, 2007

This weekend has not been so good for me.  I have been crying off and on for most of it now.  It was four years ago my husband left me.  To make matters worse I don’t know where I stand in my life right now.

One thing my father always use to say to me when I was down is to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get it together.  I know I need to but how? 

I hate my life as it currently is.  I am unemployed, single, no life outside of my house, fat and ugly.  I know some people would disagree with a few of the statements I have made so far but that is their right and who am I to refuse them this. 

I am working on changing everything in my life.  I have recently changed my diet to include more fresh foods and less sugar and starch.  I am working hard at finding a job, possibly a career.  As far as being single or having a life, not sure how to work on it.  I really don’t have time for myself let alone someone else.  Then there is the ugly business.  There is nothing I can do about this.  I was born ugly. 

Well I feel I am at a crossroad so to speak.  Where do I go from here?  Should I pick up and move my family away from the only place I’ve ever known?  Should I stay here just because it’s easier?  I’m afraid of moving, the new people, not knowing where I’m going, where to turn for help, these all scare me.  Staying put would mean I would have to stay in the rut I’ve been in for more than a year now, yet I would be safe and secure, knowing I’ve got my family to back me up.  This is when I wish I had someone to sound this off of.  Someone who cares what happens to me and my kids.    

I will make a decision soon and hopefully I will make the right one for us.  No regrets.    

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Pretty Shiney Story of My Love Life

May 18, 2007

Man I hate dial up.  The speed is so slow and I can’t get my work done.   The night has become my friend for this very reason.  I can write or work without having the kids reading over my shoulder or causing chaos in the house.  Peacefulness is bliss.

Anyway, I always try to think about what I’m going to say here so people will know I am not just some redneck backwoods hick from Iowa.  Then I open my mouth and everyone realizes I’m just that.  Actually I’m not a hick but I can translate if I must, just ask my friends who aren’t from around here.

I can’t believe it has been almost a year since I’ve had a drink.   I quit going out to the bars because of drama.  I miss the drama in my life.  Well I guess here is where I could launch into any number of strange stories about my bar life.  I have so many to tell and one is not any less amusing as the next.

I will start by describing some of the characters at my local watering hole.  It was a little bar just off the square in my hometown of about 12,000 people (this is a college town).  This is about the only place where everyone there got along even though there were so many clicks in there.

First there was the cowboys.  They wore tight jeans, large belt buckles and ball caps (only wearing the cowboy hat on good nights out ~ dates mostly).  They always drank their beer in the pitcher, not by the glass and never in one.  They would hang around the hunting game (yes the bar has a game where you can pretend to shoot animals) talking about any number of ways to murder mother natures creatures.

Then there was the college crowd.  They were the ones who would come in and make a scene.  Throw a fit if they had to show their ID.  Always dressed impeccable.  Most of the girls would drink too much and then show a little more then they had planned.  The guys would drink too much and throw up on the bar.  Get tossed from the bar and start fights.   Really mature for college kids, right.

Then there was the goth type crowd.  They wore makeup so white they looked like zombies and black fishnet shirts.  Slipknot was their king.  Always wanted songs played which were a little too harsh for the cowboys taste.  When it came to karaoke, they always sang way too loud.

Then there was the rest of us.  We all worked at the same place.  Well actually most everyone in this little bar worked for this same place at some point in their life.  I know this is starting to sound like an episode of Cheers and it was like that.  This was also the place to go if you wanted to here all the gossip and find out who was cheating on their wife or husband this week. 

I miss this little bar and all of the drama in such a tiny place.  The bartenders knew the regulars drinks and would have them ready when you entered into this tiny haven.  The DJ would put your song in the rotation as soon as he saw you.  If he liked you he would move it to the top of the rotation.  I got this a lot from my DJ.  He would even replay my songs for me if someone had requested them before I got there.

This is also the place where I fell in love, without realizing it.  I first noticed him where I worked.  He had been working there for about 4 months when he made his impression.  He stuck his tongue out at me.  At the time I didn’t understand the significance of his actions but thanks to a couple of wonderful co-workers I soon found out what this symbolism meant.  I couldn’t believe it.  He was tall, dark and handsome.  He was a bad boy and with one look he had me.

Well I decided to take up some friends on an offer to go out.  I had never been to a bar before and it had been more than a year since my husband had left me and 3 months since my father had passed away.  I realized one day that I couldn’t ever move on with my life if I never left my house and I wasn’t ever going to meet the man of my dreams where I worked.

I was WRONG!!!  I had made a list of the things I wanted in a man after my husband left me.  I wanted someone who loved kids (seeing as how they were going to be part of my life forever and all), played baseball (a man in tight pants, yum!!!), and many other things.  There was one thing I added to the list I never in a million years could have expected anyone I worked with to fulfill.  He has to own a Harley. 

Well after I met this smoking hot guy I began to wonder, does he fit my list?  Well I went out to the bar a few days after I met him and sure enough my co-workers were right.  He was there and he followed me around the bar.  Anytime he got close to me I darted away.  This worked until I was too hot from dancing and needed some fresh air.  I drug one of my friends outside with me and I leaned on the front of the building.  She was busy making friends (she was drunk and looking back probably shouldn’t have been on the sidewalk).  When I had gone outside he had a girl all over him so I thought I was safe. 

Sidebar ~ He scared me.  I wasn’t use to a guy being all up in my stuff and this made me nervous.  I thought he was a player and just wanted to get into my pants.  I wasn’t like this so I didn’t want him anywhere near me. 

I was wrong.  He came to check up on me.  He wasn’t very smooth and neither was I.  He asked me how many sheets to the wind I was (I was offended).  I told him I wasn’t drunk and as my friend tried to leave me outside with him I walked away.  Well I didn’t exactly walk away.  I tripped over his feet.  I’m sure what I said didn’t mean anything after that.  I recovered nicely and went back inside.  Later in the night one of my friends bought him a drink and told him it was from me.  He never said thank you. 😦

The night was over but our future together had just begun.  He was a more prominent figure in my life after that night.  He would do things just to come and see me.  He never asked me out (he was waiting for me to do that).  I would see saw back and forth about whether he liked me or not.  I drove my friends crazy. 

When I would go out to the bar he would always be there and he always watched me.  Not in a stalking fashion but in a making sure I wasn’t ever hurt.  He began to open up to me and I was always guaranteed a hug when he left.  He told me things he never told anyone else.  There were nights when we would just sit there after the bar closed and talk.  It didn’t matter what we talked about.  Well actually it was him who talked but only because I was too nervous to talk.  I remember every word he said to me, even to this day.  

I think I knew how much he meant to me when one day I told one of my friends when it came to him I would rather have him in my life forever as my friend then date him and risk losing him forever.  This whole thought came to light when he came up to me one night at the bar and told me he was moving away.  He had a new job and it would make him a ton of money (I guess maybe I should have pointed out we no longer worked together).  He was moving out of state and wanted to know what I thought.  I was happy for him and I told him to go for it.  Everyone else had begged him not to go.  Not me I wanted him to be happy (and I didn’t want to hold him back).

I went home that night and cried.  Hell I cried for the next week.  I talked to everyone I knew about it (I couldn’t figure out why this hurt so much, I thought of him as “just a friend” after all).  They all had the same answer ~ You LOVE him!!!  I never wanted to and now I was so madly in love with a guy I wasn’t dating I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t want people to think I was nuts and I knew it wasn’t a crush. 

He didn’t move.  He moved on.  He began dating a girl who didn’t like me and shortly after they began dating he moved in with her.  I began to recover from this.  I started looking for someone else.  Then things began to change again.  Even though he was dating and living with someone else he always paid a lot of attention to me.  This made her angry, not at him but at me.  I didn’t know what I had done but hey I treated him badly and pushed him away every chance I got. 

This didn’t stop him.  He was all over me.  He didn’t like PDA but he may as well have been.  then one day he was online and sent me a message.  I love you, will you marry me?  HUH?  I was stunned.  What do you say to that?  I had never dated him and keep in mind he was still seeing someone else at the time.  Well, actually I didn’t know it was him.  He was using one of his friends to tell me this through one of my friends.  She wasn’t sure who he was and for a while thought the guy she thought was interested in her was interested in me.  I went to bed that night confused.  The next day she ran into me at the store.  She pulled me aside and told me who it was.  My jaw hit the floor.  I was stupefied. 

Shortly after this he began writing me himself, through his friends email.  He had to, his roommate (the girl everyone thought he was dating) was reading his mail and had hacked into his account to see what he was up to.  We began dating only quietly, so she wouldn’t find out.  If we saw each other while she was around we weren’t suppose to let on.  He was terrible at it.  He followed me around the bar spending more time by my side then by his girlfriends.  Everyone knew.  Even those who are blind knew.

Well I have bored you all to death by now so I will bring this story to a close.  There is much more to this but I don’t have time right now.  Hopefully I will write more about this later.

P.S. ~ When my friends did a little research they found out he loves kids, likes baseball (he even use to play ~ yum!!!), and he owned a Harley!!!  Yes this is in the past tense, but not to worry, he is getting another one.  I know he is the man of my dreams, he fits my list to a T.