Archive for April, 2008

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Angry Rants of a Pissed Off Mom

April 29, 2008

Tonight my younger brother pointed something out to me.  He reminded me that I am a loser.  I am living at my mom’s house for no really good reason.  He is forced to live here, by no fault of his own.  I hate to remind him that no one forced the drugs into his arm.  No one forced him to deal drugs.  No one forced him to act in the manor in which he did.  And I do believe no one was there when he got arrested for possession of illegal drugs with intent to deliver them.  I’m pretty certain he did all of these things himself.  These things lead to the reason he has to live at my mom’s.  His parole officer won’t let him move out!!!

Myself on the other hand, I’ve not moved out because I can’t find a job to work at to support myself and my children.  I don’t have the money to move out.  I guess I could very easily go back to living in a tent with my four kids.  I don’t think this is exactly what he meant.  He is out to remind me that he is better than me.  I don’t think I need him to remind me, I get this constant reminder on a daily basis.  My mom, brother, other brother, kids, and even strangers remind me that I’m a loser. 

This brings me to another point.  Why is it that people stare at fat people when they are out in public?  Are they thinking that they hope they never look like that or are they thinking how dare they share our space, who let the fat people out???  I hate when people make assumptions about why people are fat.  I am fat by choice.  I have over the course of my life eaten more calories and stopped moving my fat butt.  I know that I have a large way to go, no pun intended. 

I do have a friend, however, that has a kidney condition which causes her to gain weight because she is retaining fluid.  She also has a great amount of pain because of her condition which causes her to have trouble walking.  When we go shopping she needs an electric cart.  Most of the people look at her, because of her age, and think if she would just get up off her butt and walk then she wouldn’t be fat.  What they don’t know is that she would love to but her condition prevents her from doing it.  Even a trip to the bathroom is excrusiating. 

The looks are even worse when we stop at a fast food restaurant.  I know what you are thinking, why are fat people eating at a fast food restaurant?  Heaven for bid should I eat.  What is amazing is that I don’t go there and think people should think any different.  I know that I shouldn’t be eating there but what amazes me even more was that some of these people are one greasy cheeseburger away from being as big as I am.  It is people like that who really get under my skin.  Who are they to judge whether I have the right to eat at a particular place.  Most of them act as though fat people shouldn’t be out in public. 

People who work at fast food restaurants are even worse about it.  They snicker about us as we come through and order our food.  Apparently someone forgot to tell me that fat people are suppose to be deaf.  I wonder if they think we can’t hear them.  I wonder if they realize if it weren’t for us they wouldn’t have a job at all.  I know that fat people can be hilarious but there is a time and a place.  I had a friend who would remind me that everyone needs love, yes that even includes fat people.  We are humans, after all.  We just happen to be bigger than some of you.  Other than that we are no different.  We still bleed if we are pricked and we cry if you hurt our feelings.  Does this not make us human???

I guess I have ranted on for long enough now.  I have been keeping these things bottle up inside but tonight I couldn’t hold them in any longer.  I guess you could blame my brother.  It is after all, his fault!!!

On a side note, I finished my last final for the semester today.  I won’t know how I did with any of them for a couple of weeks but I hope I did well.  I can’t wait to get started again.

Side note number two, today was my brother’s 25th birthday and my youngest son’s 5th birthday.  I would like to wish both of them a happy birthday.  I would also like to wish my daughter a happy belated birthday.  I’m sorry I didn’t wish you one sooner.

I promise this is the last side note.  Happy Beltaine to those of the Pagan type faith.  For those of you who don’t know what Beltaine is, I encourage you to learn about this holiday and the Pagan faiths in general.

 

 

    

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Control

April 26, 2008

It has come to my attention that I am evil.  Well not in the devil horns and pitch fork sort of way but evil in the I’m a bossy person who gives out advice that isn’t wanted and don’t know how to shut up when it serves in my best interest.

I have spent the better portion of my children’s life ignoring them.  They have needed obvious discipline and I chose to sit on the sidelines and let them run to torment everyone else.  Now they have no idea how to behave.  For this I take the blame.  Now it is almost too late.  I have one child who is a teenager and is completely out of control.  He is too big for me to do anything to him physically and he knows it.  Now I am looking for someone else to help me to deal with him. 

My not quite teenager has decided the best way for her to get anything is for her to throw herself on the floor and cry.  I guess I deserve it since she never had a singleproblem with her when she was 2.  Now she acts 2 and it is driving me crazy.  I don’t know what to do with her but I hope I can change her attitude before she gets worse.  I think it is still possible.

The younger two can be grouped together.  They just do things to attempt to get attention their older siblings are stealing from them.  They have begun employing some of the tactics the older two are using.  Thyereally are good kids, they just need to learn that this isn’t the best way to get attention from me.  I think it will be easy for them to change back to the good little boys they were.

To those people who I have hurt by attempting to convince to change their lives because I think you are just making things up to cover up your past hurts,  I am WRONG!!!.  You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.  If you feel you can’t or won’t or don’t want to, YOU SHOULDN’T!!!  Never, no matter what, let someone else tell you how to feel, think, act, or be.  You are who you are.  You should never change that for anyone.  I’m sorry that I tried.  I never should have.  It is none of my business what goes on in YOUR life or how you plan on living it.  I was overstepping my boundaries as your friend.  I would like to apologize.  I never meant to treat you like that.

Well I will end this random raving about my shit for life.  Keep checking back and see if the teen gets better or gets sent to a home, the almost teen gets up off the floor and dries up her tears, and if the younger two can get back on track.

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I Need Help

April 21, 2008

I know this may seem a little out of place but the first step is admitting it, right?  I need help!!!  I can’t function in my life right now.  I have been feeling all out of sorts, blaming myself for things which aren’t really my fault just to make everyone else feel better about themselves.  I now realize this isn’t healthy behavior from anyone.  I have agreed to seek help. 

I have never asked for help before.  I hate asking.  I feel so dumb.  So totally incapable of making basic life decisions that I require help.

I remember the first time I had to ask someone whom I wasn’t related to for help.  I had hurt my knee and it wasn’t getting better.  I finally listened to someone and decided I needed to go to the doctor.  I couldn’t drive myself so I had to ask someone to drive me.  My family all had to work so they were out of the picture.  This left only my friends.  I felt guilty about it but I needed a ride.  I asked a friend I had grown to trust and she agreed to take me.  After the doctor’s appointment I needed to visit the pharmacy to get some things the doctor’s office didn’t have, crutches!!!  She took me without complaint.  Then she drove me to get something to eat so I could take my pain meds and drove me home.

Even better of a friend she agreed to drive me where I needed to go and she said if I wanted to go out she would come and get me.  This girl was amasing.  I still, however, hate to ask for help.  I want to do everything for myself no matter if I can or not. 

My dad was the same way.  He never asked for help and it nearly killed him if he did.  He felt he should be able to care for himself and he was always looking out for others.  How could he do that if he wasn’t able to care for himself?

I think I understand where I get it from.  It must be an inherited trait.  Great another thing I can chalk up to my dear dad.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I just need to learn from it.

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Protected: Apologizing is Never Easy

April 12, 2008

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Honoring a Fallen Hero

April 4, 2008

Today, 40 years ago, there was an assassination.  One bullet took away a very wonderful man.  He was well educated, but hated for the color of his skin and the feelings he inspired in others.  Who is to know what he could have accomplished had his life not been taken that night.  Our world could be a much different place than it is today.  Martin Luther King Jr., you are dearly missed by all of those who knew you and even by those who never got that chance.

I was unfortunately not born when we lost this wonderful man.  I don’t know first hand what was going on during that time period but after learning about what he was trying to do for our society as a whole, I think those who murdered him were dumb.  I don’t understand how people can kill because they disagree with what someone else thinks or says.  I know what I say isn’t really something new to those of our society.  There are plenty of people with this same opinion of our society.  We take things that are wonderful and rape and pillage until there is nothing beautiful left.  We have been like this for as long as our history has been recorded.

Somewhere out there, I’m sure that someday a new savior will come and help to “fix” this planet.  We are spending too much time worrying about what others are doing we aren’t seeing what is going on at home.  We need oil for our gas guzzling SUV’s so we go to war with a country to keep our supply chain intact.  When will we realize there are more important things than that.  What about those families who have a loved one serving over there?  When will they get the chance to know that their loved ones are home safe and sound.  No need for them to lay down their lives for $3 or $4 a gallon gas.  Searching through a country for someone who has probably since shaved his beard, taken off his turban, and is living easy in some temperate climate, wearing shades while sitting on the beach tanning his chicken legs.

We spend time persecuting others for the very same things we do here at home.  We just never see this because the news doesn’t spend it’s time focusing in on it.  How long do you think a newscastor would last if they reported the truth about the acts we do here at home we are fighting to abolish in other countries.  We are spending time telling China to treat women with respect when we don’t have that here at home. I know I’m not looked on as favorably as a man for anything.  I’m just one dumb vagina that should be home barefoot pushing babies out while washing the dishes and cooking the dinners.

I know I have ranted on for a very long time about this subject so I will try and not to continue on any longer.  Thank you all for reading my own personal opinion on this manner and I hope I didn’t detract too much from my original statement.  A new savior will come and when they do I hope we are ready.