Archive for the ‘family’ Category

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A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.

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Growing Up is Hard to Do

September 13, 2008

Today it has become official.  I am old.  My oldest son went to his first high school dance.  Yes that’s right, high school.  Dancing… He doesn’t really dance but hey he wanted to go and I didn’t have the heart to stop him.  He had a good time, danced with a few girls and some friends, was disappointed by the fact that nourishing himself with liquids cost him money, but was still very happy.  

I, on the other hand, got to thinking, as any parent would on the night one of the first grown up things happen.  I am getting older.  With every day that ticks by on the big clock of life I grow older, just as my kids do.  Before I could deny my age, as it is just merely a number, but then I started thinking about the past few years and realized that I have been listening to everyone else with regard to my life.  They all told me I needed to grow up.  I needed to spend more time with my kids, be a family, and a mom, not just a mom but a role model for my kids.  They were gonna need it seeing how the rest of those who are in their lives were like.  I stopped going out, I really got rid of friends left and right, all in an effort to grow up.

I can’t say that I ever really have grown up but I’m trying.  I want to set a good example for my kids, showing them the right way to be in this big bad world in which we live.  I can only hope they turn out as good people.  Right now they are on their way.

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Too Tired to Deal

August 30, 2008

Lately I have been having trouble sleeping.  I will fall asleep and the a few hours later, wake up, sweating and them have trouble falling back to sleep until after the kids go to school.  That was until yesterday.  I fell asleep right before the kids needed to get up for school.  I woke them when the alarm went off and then fell back to sleep.  If my kids hadn’t been annoying my roommate I would have missed getting them out the door.  I fell back asleep again and slept until almost noon.  I woke only briefly, to make lunch, and then fell back to sleep again.  I slept off and on the rest of the day, dozing every time I leaned back in my chair.  Heck, I even went to bed before my younger kids did, so I didn’t get to tell them goodnight.  I woke up again in the middle of the night because one of my roommates friends was coming over and when she got here she woke me up, and kept me up.  Now I can’t fall back to sleep.

I remember being able to do this a few years ago.  Go for days on very little to no sleep and most of the time I didn’t crash either.  I would just find a few extra minutes in the day to close my eyes, usually by going to bed a little earlier.  This is something new and I really wish I could explain it.  The sweating, I figure is because the house gets stuffy at night so my body is trying to tell me to wake up and turn on a fan or something.  If this is the case though, then why can’t I fall back to sleep once I am comfortable?

All of this body clock drama has caused me to miss things in my kids lives.  Tonight I know that my older kids didn’t listen to me and that my roommate had to deal with it.  The kids snuck off from where they said they were going and didn’t let me know.  I found out because my brother saw my son minus my daughter at the gas station.  Apparently the gas station is where the school football game was held.  Well when my kids got home some sort of arguing happened and I think there was something about the kids stories not matching up, again I don’t know because I was sleeping.  I guess I will have to get to the bottom of this nonsense.

Well until later, I hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day Weekend.  To those of you who have the weekend off, please be kind to those people who don’t and to those who are working, try to find time to enjoy the weekend.

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Life Goes On

August 27, 2008

As the first full week of school is half over and we are settling into a routine that will work for everyone, life has developed some very crazy things that I never would have thought I was ever going to have to deal with.  The older kids are spending every morning with their dad on the short drive across town to school.  It isn’t because they can’t ride the bus, they get picked up right outside of the front door.  It’s because they choose to spend time with him.  Well that and eat breakfast at school.  I know my kids love this about their dad, the older ones anyway.  The only problem is that for my oldest, he gets all the fun, spend time with dad time, and none of the other kids do.  If my son is ever sick, my ex already told him that his sister would just have to “ride the bus.”  How bull stuff is that?  His dad also pays for him to go to things but doesn’t do the same thing with my daughter, or the other boys for that matter. 

As far as the little boys are concerned…he doesn’t have any kids that young.  He never takes them anywhere or does anything with them.  He spends no time with them and never talks to them on the phone.  He called on the first day of school for the older three and talked about how their first days went, talking short amounts of time the less number of years old they were.  He never called to ask the youngest, who started kindergarten this year, how his first day went.  This isn’t the only time he has failed his younger kids.  They had the open house for the brand new school here and I had asked him if he could take them.  He said no because he didn’t have the gas.  He said the same thing the day our youngest was suppose to meet his teacher and we were suppose to have our first parent teacher thing.  He didn’t have the gas.  Yet for the first half week of school he took his girlfriends kids to school (they can ride the bus too).  I guess we know where his priorities are and this is not right nor is it fair. 

I don’t know how to change things between them and their dad.  I have tried good cop, bad cop, leaving it alone, jumping down his throat, and it all has gotten me nowhere.  I give up.  I guess for most of the younger ones I can be both their mom and dad (although I don’t have man parts so this might be hard).  I just wish I could get him to see what harm he is doing to his kids.  Lying all the time and about the stupidest things.  Then when they get disappointed at their dad they take it out on me, like it is my fault their dad is such a disappointment.  It hurts.  If he doesn’t answer a phone call, show up when he said he would, all of those things that they don’t like in him, and they take it out on me as if I had some magic wand that keeps their dad from showing up or keeping his promises.  If I had it my way that magic wand would get him to be super dad, you know the type that do everything for their kids, the ones who are at ever game, no matter what.  They call every night, want to know everything about them, no matter how small.  They feel bad because they missed their firsts.  I would wish for that kind of miracle for my kids.  That is if I had that magic wand, which of course I don’t.

Well I have rambled on far too long about things I’m sure I’ve said all too often during the course of my writer of this blog.  Sometimes I feel as though my life is just one big circle and I’m waiting to see where the new path off of here will lead.  Well check back and maybe I’ll have found some new muse of my fancy.

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Deception, Lies, and All the Other Things Good Families are For

July 11, 2008

For a very long time I have spent the better part of my life blaming everyone else for the things in my life that have gone all wrong.  I have realized, after some rather shallow thinking, that the things in my life that have gone wrong, while involving others, have been my own fault. 

I have been suffering from my delusions for so long that I have stopped taking the balme for the things which have brought about the pain in my life.  So here, for all the world to see, I have decided to own my feelings, pains, and angers.  I know there are plenty of people who will read this and say WTF and then there are some of you who will read this and say it’s about damn time.

The first thing I would like to address is the breakdown of my marriage.  I am willing to accept that I had some responsiblity for it all going south.  I wasn’t willing to let things go and I wasn’t very supportive.  I didn’t do my fair share of the work, anywhere, not just at home.  I do realize that I wasn’t working near hard enough to keep our relationship together and even though it takes two people for anything relationship wise, I will admit that you weren’t alone in the blame and shouldn’t be the only one to be punished for it.

As far as my current situation, with regards to my family, you are also not fully to blame.  I shouldn’t be living with you.  I should never have moved back in with you.  I should have learned from the last time I lived with you.  For this is my own fault.  I should have known that you would take everyone else’s side over mine, no matter who else is involved.  I needed to learn my position in the family, well I guess it is more of a lack of family position from the previous attempts to be a part of the family.  I should have received the hint when I wasn’t invited to important family functions, you know things such as first birthday parties and the like.  I understand that it is my own fault for trying to be included where I am not WANTED!!!  For this I am sorry.  I will no longer seek your approval, for I don’t deserve it.  Nor do I really need it.  I know you don’t like me nor my children for that matter.  What is sad is that I have been trying harder and harder to make you like us all and for what?  To have you tell me we aren’t good enough for you.  Well let me just tell you that it is the other way around.  You are not good enough for us.  Anyone that allows the things you allow to happen because of what ever reason you give yourself to help you sleep at night is nothing more than an enabler.  Yes that is right.  You enable the things that happen and by doing so only encourage the behavior.  Well I can tell you that once we are gone he will point his anger at you, for you will be the only one there, and for that I don’t feel sorry.  You have earned every ounce of the karma coming your way, and if I were you, I would get ready for it!!!

To the other member of the family I am staying with, you do deserve everything you get.  One day your female companion will realize exactly who you are, a lying, cheating, asshole.  When she does I hope it isn’t too late for her.  Your problems are not mine but have become mine because I have been too busy covering your ass, keeping you on the outside.  Well maybe what you need is to spend some real time on the inside.  Not in a half way house but in a real prison where bad things happen to people.  Again it would all be due to the karma you so steadily deserve.  I should have never lied for you and from this day forward, I’m not going to, no matter what the consequences are to me.  I will sleep better at night knowing that my children are safe from people like you and your so called friends.  I wish you luck with everything in your life and hope that all of the things I know about you won’t come back to haunt you.  You know what is amazing about this, I get beaten and abused and you get nothing.  How fair is that.  You use drugs and alcohol violating all of the terms of your probation and parole in the house you are “forced” to live in and I am the one who is kicked out.  You know you say that you are forced to live here, please explain this to me.  You are also supposed to be “forced” not to drink, leave after your curfew, go out to the bar, and possess a firearm but you still managed to do all of those things so maybe you could tell me how you are “forced” to do anything.  Well my friend you aren’t.  I think it is just a fear of actually having to care for yourself that has you saying you are “forced” to do anything!!!

The reason I have difficulty obtaining employment is also all my fault.  It is my own fear of being out there and meeting new people that have caused me all of the trouble I have had.  The reasons I lost my job are also all mine.  I stole from myself, what was it $1800.00, and then reported myself to the cops for them to tell me there was nothing they could do.  I bounced the checks to my workplace because I knew the money had been stolen from my account.  You are right this is my fault.  I never should have trusted you in my life.  I should have known that you and your friends were only going to rob me blind when my back was turned, usually doing something nice for you.  Did you enjoy those wonderful meals out, the ones I took you to.  Hell I didn’t just take you, I took your lying, stealing bitch and your kid too.  How could I have been so mean to you?

The sad thing about all of this is that the one person who really cared about me and understood me was the only reason I tolerated all of you.  None of you are really worth my negative energy and as I clean my subconscious clutter by writing this blog I realize that this negativity I have been carrying around has made me a miserable person.  I have been living on pins and needle around all of you, not letting the true me live because you all don’t like the real me.  As my family, you all talk about me around me, not one of you ever ask ME!!!  I got rid of all my friends for the same reason.  So why am I hanging on to all of you.  There really isn’t any good reason for me to.  Maybe it is my loyalty to my family, maybe it is because that is what good people are supposed to do.  Either way, I don’t know.  All I do know is that this whole thing is killing me.

I know that everything written here may be taken by some as an admission of guilt.  Actually it isn’t an admission so much as a clearing of the lenses that make up the glasses of my life.  I choose not to be defined by all of the hate, or by the company I keep.  See there is something no one counts on.  It is the soul fact that a person can not change their family, and mine is about as mean as you can get.  I know that not all of you are guilty on every level.  I know that some members of my family have tried, but because of the situations and repeated denials and accusations and threats and whatever else, now choose to turn a blind eye because it happens outside of your box so to speak.  Well the sad thing is it happens in my box all the time and it is for this reason that I need to break free of the confines that bind me to all of you.  It isn’t because I don’t care, it is because I care too much for all of you.  I worry that you will end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life.  I don’t want that for any of you. 

I spent the better part of my life with no one listening to me.  All that I asked was to be heard.  All you wanted to do was silence me, stifling me until my inner flame was extinguished.  I can’t allow you all to do this to me anymore.  I want to fly free of you all, free of the ties that bind me to you, to all the negativity that surrounds you.  I wish you all the best of luck in your lives, and don’t worry about me I will be fine.

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Missing Out on Life

June 27, 2008

Four years ago, my father died.  I know I should at some point in time be over it but I still take things really hard at times.  I have been having a pretty rough month and have been taking it out on everyone around me.  I feel bad about this, wishing I could change it but as my birthday is less than a week away and my 15 yr class reunion was held last weekend, I feel I am reminiscing more often this year than I have in the past.  Maybe it is because this year I am doing it sober, surrounded by family who haven’t mentioned him at all last month unless I mention him first.  Of course we all handle things differently and my brother’s drinking has started to get out of control.  Is it normal for a person to drink at least a twelve pack a night?

One of my closest friends has started to make a video scrapbook for her mom taking pictures from when she was a kid and including some pretty important things, like the births of children, the changes in family, and the marriages.  As I watched this video for her I saw her sister’s wedding.  This made me think that my own father wasn’t at my first wedding because I knew he would have stopped it and now I will never get the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle.  Ever.  No matter who I marry, he won’t be there.

After I realized this I started crying about all of the things my dad is going to miss out on by not being here.  I know it isn’t his choice he isn’t here and I know (in case there is anyone who would like to point it out) he will always be with me (in spirit).  The thing is he won’t be with me in person.  I won’t ever have his advice, his funny joke, or his loud chuckle.  My kids will never get to know the greatest person I have ever had in my life, the one who had the greatest influence on making me who I am today.

I know hide site is 20/20 and now I can see the things in my life I wasn’t proud of, all the things I did wrong.  I regret marrying the man I did, but I don’t regret the children we had together.  I regret letting him hurt my children over and over again, but know that I will never give up hope that he will want to be the dad my dad was. 

I sit here watching movies full of parents who are divorced where both parents want to be in their kids lives so badly that they fight for them, tooth and nail, until forever.  Why don’t they ever make a movie that shows my life, the one where one fights for everything and the other walks off, never to have anything to do with them again.  Well at least we still have the T.V. shows were they try to establish who the baby daddy is. 

I know this may seem strange but we watched the Santa Clause.  I really wished my kids had parents like his.  Ones who fight so hard for him that they don’t stop until they win and even the step dad loves the kid so much he only wants what is best for him.  I wish my kids had one of those dads or even a step dad like that.  Then I get to thinking about the fact that my kids have lots of people who love them.  Why do they need a dad?  Would my life had been any different without one?  Yes it would have and it does now.

 

 

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Super Nova

May 24, 2008

 

Sometimes I wonder whether my parents really should have had me.  It is days like today that make me wish they hadn’t.  Why is it that I don’t have the guts to do myself in like every other person who has.  What do they have in them that I don’t have in me?  Determination, maybe a sense of will, I don’t know but there is something they have that I don’t. 

 All day long I struggle through life and wonder what for.  What is the reason I am here on this planet?  What can I possibly contribute to this world that requires me to be here, living, day in and day out?  All I have done thus far in my life is to increase the population and anger people I don’t even care for.  Hell, I’ve even upset those I really cared for.  Some of them now no longer speak to me and have completely written me out of their lives and who am I to blame them.  They did what they should have before they ever thought about becoming by friend. 

Out of concern for my children, I stay here on this planet and wonder when I will be able to move on.  I realized that I am like a super nova.  Those close to me will not make it.