Archive for June, 2007

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Sometimes You Have to Have Faith

June 4, 2007

I know I seem to be hot and cold to my poor fiance.  I know why I do this.  I just need to figure out how to change my ways or else I won’t have a fiance anymore.

I know the reason for my wishy washy ways has to do with my ex-husband.  He treated me like dirt and I sat there and took it.  He constantly made fun of me, calling me names and making fun of me in front of our children.  He saw nothing wrong with what he did and to this day still doesn’t.

He ended up leaving me three weeks after I gave birth to our fourth child.  He had a girlfriend he went to live with and I was blindsided.  What was I going to do?  I can say if it hadn’t been for my children I might not be here today.  I was devastated.  I was a failure.  How could I let this happen?

Well after this I kept my heart very close.  I didn’t even think about dating, the thought was the farthest thing from my mind.  I didn’t want to have my heart break again, especially since I hadn’t figured out how to put it back together yet.

A little over a year after my husband left me my father passed away.  I had used him as an excuse not to move on with my life.  He took on the role of raising my children while I worked and I was afraid to even ask for some time for myself.  I didn’t want it.  I wanted to be at home with my children since their father wasn’t there anymore.

A couple of months after my father passed away I realized he wouldn’t have wanted me sitting at home night after night.  He’d want me to get back up on the horse and move on.  Well that is what I thought anyway.  I didn’t waste any time waiting either, I went out the next weekend.  I met a lot of people who over the course of the next few months would become my friends.  Well they were more like crutches.  I had a new someone to blame for me not doing or doing things.  I did some things I am not proud of now but I wouldn’t change a thing.  I will never forget those who were there for me during my blossoming.

Well now this leads to my current situation.  He is a wonderful man who wouldn’t think of saying anything unkind to me.  He absolutely loves my children and even can tolerate my crazy overbearing family.  

I know you are saying to yourself, why the hell are you having trouble with this guy?  Well it leads back to my past.  I’m afraid.  What if’s fill my mind all the time.  I don’t want to be hurt again.  I worry if we don’t talk he is seeing someone else.  When he goes out with his friends I’m afraid he is cheating on me.  I know he isn’t but I can’t help it. 

People have been against us since we became a couple.  They have gone around saying things which haven’t been true and this hasn’t made our relationship any easier.  Sometimes I wonder if there is some truth to what they are saying. 

I know this isn’t easy for him.  He never questions my love for him and even though I act irrational he stands by me, even when I think he shouldn’t.  He can stand only so much though and he has wondered when my insanity is going to end.  How much longer should he put up with my crap?  He has thought about walking away from me and not looking back but he loves me too much for that.

I don’t know what I have done to have such a wonderful guy in my life.  Sometimes I think I’vewon the lottery.  What other explanation is there for it?