Just Another Day in the Life

October 6, 2007

Man I love Chinese but I hate what it does to my keyboard.  My roommate was eating and typing at the same time.  She loves fried shrimp and now my keyboard is very greasy.  It is ok, I’m sure it will clean right up.

Anyway, my life hasn’t changed much recently but I know here very soon my life is going to go from calm to chaotic.  I will be moving into a house and this may bring with it the change in my children and their schools.  We will have new nosy neighbors and could have screaming kids who aren’t mine.  There will be a new job for me and this will bring new people into my life.  Hopefully they will be nice but you can never tell.  Hey maybe there will be a very attractive man who will sweep me off my feet and take me away from all of this.  Maybe not.  I will make the best of it no matter what.

I got to thinking about the future and where I fit into it.  I guess I don’t necessarily see myself fitting into a new relationship with someone when my own situation is less than perfect.  Truthfully I want to go back a few years.  Back to when I was happy, had a lot of friends and a roof over my head.  Did I mention a guy who adored me?  Well maybe I wasn’t suppose to be happy.  Maybe I was suppose to find a new way and carve my own path.  I think that is what this challenging situation in my life right now is all about.  Learning I am important and people will respect me for who I am not some sham of a life I live. 

I remember back to when I first started going out after my dad died.  I didn’t let anyone know I had kids.  I didn’t want people to know about them because I didn’t want to have to explain my choices in life.  It is very difficult for me to talk about my life with my husband and how I got pregnant in high school, I already have a degree and am not using it and many more things I don’t like to discuss.  I will have to tell people about how my life has hit rock bottom since my husband left.  How my attention went from my family to nothing.   I shut down on everyone and everything.  I think somehow I haven’t moved on.  I push everything and everyone away from me.  

I try to look on the lighter side of things and wonder if this feeling will ever go away.  I can’t have a positive relationship since everyone I meet I compare to those people who have hurt me in the past.  I don’t compare them to those people who have been there for me even though I admire them.  I should look for a guy to be in my life like my dad.  I found him and yet I push him away because I’m afraid he will hurt me like my ex did.  I can’t trust him, instead I constantly think he is cheating on me or lying to me even though he has never given me a reason to.  I do this because I trusted my ex and he did all these things to me.  I want the feelings to change and for me to feel better about myself.  Until then I can’t live a “happily ever after” life.

Here I guess is the question I need to answer for myself.  Do I want to live that life?  What if the reason I haven’t been able to move on is not based on the people in my life but because I am choosing to be miserable.  I need to stop looking at myself like a martyr and start looking at my life like someone who has had things happen to them but let those things shape their life instead of ruling it.  Now all I need to do is find a place to start.  I always like to start at the very beginning.  I know, very “Sound of Music” of me but hey it is a good place to start. 

Where is the beginning?  Should I go back to my birth which I’m certain no one wants the graphic details of.  Who would want to hear about how I can out of my mother’s kooter?  Well I guess sick perverts or someone interested in my mother but hopefully no one who reads this blog.  (If you do want those details just leave a comment with your e-mail and I will send you the full story and then quit read this blog.)  I could go back to my childhood and how I became a mother to my youngest brother (even though my own mother was still very much in our life) when I was just 8!  Or how I was my other brother’s translator.  There are many places I could go back to and any of them could even explain what is going on in my current life. 

Maybe for the next couple of posts I will review my life and see where the problem lies and maybe you all can watch me grow into a beautiful older, more mature woman; a loving, caring mother; and a forgiving girlfriend.  Until then I have some work to do.  To my therapist’s couch I go (man is this therapist going to be getting even richer off me)…


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