Archive for November, 2007

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Food for Thought

November 29, 2007

I know I haven’t posted in a little while but I have been busy.  The semester for school is coming to a close and I’m trying to make sure I have a passing grade.  My little brother has been driving everyone nuts.   Then there are my kids.  They have taken on every bad habit my little brother has.  This is driving me nuts.

I know I should post but I’m not sure exactly what to say or which topic running through my head I should cover.  I would like to keep this post kind of random.

First I would like to say how proud I am of my older brother.  I never realized it until my little brother finished serving his time in prison.  My younger brother hasn’t really changed.  He still thinks he can do whatever he wants and so far has been doing just that.  No one to keep him in check, no need to follow the rules.  I feel before long he will right back where he was before he was arrested. 

My older brother has also been in his fair share of trouble and has even had his freedom taken away.  His reaction to this was a complete 180 from where my other brother is.  He hasn’t been in a lick of trouble since he was released and plans to keep it this way.  Well actually he has had one minor bump in the road but this was because of my younger brother’s troubles and he was not found guilty after trial.

Then there is the next major bump in the road.  My divorce.  I signed the final decree today and 2 weeks from today I will officially be a free woman again.  This doesn’t really matter… I will be doing the same thing as I am now.  I actually cried before I went in to sign the papers.  I realized this morning that my oldest child doesn’t want us to get divorced.  I don’t know how to fix this problem so I will be dealing with it as best I can. 

As far as the crying, I wasn’t crying because it is final but because I realized I will probably die without ever finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.  I will probably never remarry.  Going out of this world with the same last name I came into it with.  No one ever thinks this is going to happen but I know it will be the case.  I just don’t feel anything anymore.  If I can’t feel love then how will I ever find it.

Well right now I feel tired all the time…could be that I have to stay up half the night doing my homework so I don’t tie up the phone line (yes, I have dial up) and then turning around and getting out of bed very early to make sure the kids get to school on time.

Well I can see it is getting late so I am going to post this and go to bed.  Everyone have a wonderful Friday and may everyone’s weekend be as lovely as can be.

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Tis the Season

November 23, 2007

The holidays are wonderful.  It is a time of relaxing and maxing out of credit cards.  The bright lights and stores full of shoppers willing to beat your head in for the last one of this years must have toys. 

It has always amazed me at how this time of year can bring out the best and the worst in people all at the same time.  People will think nothing of tossing their extra change to the Salvation Army but will pull hair and heaven only knows what else just to get the toy little Billy wants for Christmas cuz ya just can’t disappoint little Billy or he’ll go postal when he’s 15 and kill his parents for not getting him the stupid toy when he was 7. 

This time of year should be about giving but all we are really worried about is the getting.  What are we getting from (fill in the blank with anyone’s name)?  If it isn’t that it is the “How good will we look if we get so and so this?  I am amazed.  What exactly are we teaching our children by setting these kinds of examples?

I know this isn’t exactly fair because if I had the money I would probably be exactly like that.  Kind of.  I want my kids to grow up understanding that you should give no matter what time of year it is.  There are homeless and less fortunate people all year round.  Why is it we only care during this time of year?

My personal opinion is that this caring started by people who were looking for a way to get more tax deductions for their charitable donations.  OK probably not but it is certainly a good story.  It does make me wonder though what these people are doing the rest of the year and where they think these homeless and less fortunate people are the rest of the year.

I will admit that right after Halloween, I love Christmas time not necessarily the holiday.  This is evident by the fact that 2 of my children are born in September.  The lights are beautiful and for the most part people are in a good mood.  They are tipping well and there just happens to be a little spring in most people’s steps.  For the most part people are like giant Santas.  There cheeks are all rosy and they whistle an uplifting tune.

I actually hate Christmas itself because it is over-commercialized.  I know that I myself am not Christian per-say but I still believe that those who are forget the reason for this season.  The reason for the Christians is the birth of Christ.  Most kids nowadays are “Christ who?”  I don’t want my children to get caught up in this same trap. 

My children are being raised Christian and I know this is part of their holiday.  I respect them for it.  I want them to understand what exactly happened through Christ.  He was born and suffered and died all for them.  I don’t think the Christians always remember this.  This is never more apparent as they don’t volunteer to help at a soup kitchen but instead they are out buying up every store to impress their family and friends.

Well this is the first of the seasonal rants.  I don’t know if there will be more but I can just about bet there will be.  I hope none of you find these too distasteful to continue reading my posts and liking what you read.  I hope you all are enjoying my writing and will come back and read again.  Thank you…

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My Fault

November 21, 2007

Why is it everyone in my family, including my future ex-in-laws, treat me like everything which is going on is all my fault?  My sister-in-law blames me saying I could have just gotten a job working somewhere to pay my bills.  Did I mention this is the reason she refuses to help me?  What she doesn’t understand is I applied at jobs like that and haven’t even been offered an interview.  But I guess this is my fault.  Maybe it is.  What if it is something about me keeping me from getting a job?   

My mother, whom I’m staying with for a few days, comes out angry because she is afraid I won’t get her dinner on the table in time for her to eat before she leaves for the evening.  She yells at me, calls me names and tells me how bad I am because I apparently don’t put the appropriate things first in life.  I don’t know what she thinks I am putting first but damn.  Because of this I failed a test in my online Psychology class.  This is what I was doing instead of fixing her dinner. Talk about having my priorities screwed up.  What was I thinking? 

This got me thinking.  Maybe I need to quit this stupid dream of getting an education so I can work the rest of my life at a low level job just so everyone else in my life will feel better about themselves. 

Really what do I need an education for, I already have a degree.  Well what they don’t realize is that thanks to some very poor choices on my part (yes for those of you who know me and know what these things are, I’ve decided to take the blame for them, I mean really who can I blame for these problems but myself) I can’t use it for at least the next 5+ years. By then I will have to go back to school all over again because everything I learned then will be outdated.

My degree isn’t in a field like accounting where what you learned last year will still be the same next year.  OK I know I’m oversimplifying this for some people but you get my point.  My degree is in the medical field.  Things change every day, hell every second.  The things I learned a decade ago probably won’t be valid in 5 years.  This is what no one understands.

Yes, I am many things and I will take the blame for them.  Today my future ex-husband called attention to the fact that I used to sleep when the children were awake.  One of the reasons he left me.  My mother, also today, called me a lazy, fat bitch who doesn’t have her priorities in the right order, just because I was taking a test as opposed to taking a glass to the kitchen and making her dinner, which by the way I promised to do ten minutes later when I was done with my test. 

I will say that I am fat hell, I weight as much as three of my kids combined.  I might be a touch lazy, I don’t have a job and spend all of my time doing nothing but complaining about how other people treat me because of it.  I even know I’m a bitch.  There is no arguing this point, it is something I inherited from my mother. 

There are some things I am not and that is one of the things I can be thankful for.  I am not rude, when I know I’m wrong I will apologize for it.  Yes I have done that in the last 24 hours when I blew up at my mom.  This is one thing she has never done.  She has never truly said she was sorry for anything she has ever done to me. 

All my life I have lived like a second class citizen in my family.  The only thing I was ever good at was being their slave.  When I was left here after school with my brother, if he didn’t want to do something, he didn’t do it.  I got yelled at for it.  Then I had to do his work on top of my own. 

I never thought about it but what if the fact that I am a fat, lazy bitch is the reason I have had trouble in my relationships, ones with significant people anyway.  What if my lack of acting is what drove them all away?  I can only assume I have always been like this.  So my lack of doing anything could have been the reason.  I know it was for at least the last two relationships I have been in.  My ex-husband left me because I was lazy.  My last boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t work on my personal situations. 

Damn I hate when people are right about me.  This has lead to my current state and everything happening now is my fault.  If I lose everything it is my fault.  I thought I was doing everything I needed to do to help keep my family together but I was wrong.  All I have been doing is making things worse. 

As far as school goes, maybe they are right, I should just give up on my dream.  I can’t afford this dream right now anyway.  All I can amount to is no better than what I am now.  A loser with a martyr complex.  I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or have any sympathy.  What I want is to get up off my ass, stop feeling sorry for myself and get those things which will help to support my family.  I know I will never be free of state assistance doing this but maybe this is what I am destined to be.  

I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be any better than my mother.  I have begun to realize I am just like my mother.  She never went to college and has for the last 10 years worked at jobs which are made for college students.  She has been alone since my father died 3 years ago, waiting for the man she “loves” to divorce his wife and marry her.  She is living in a dream world.  He is never going to leave his wife and she can’t see this. 

Anyway this is what I will become.  I am a single mom with four children, homeless, and wishing for a guy to ride up on a white horse and save me from all this.  What I need to do is save myself.  I have a lot of climbing to do but I know I can do this. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  You never know, maybe tomorrow it will all turn around.  I will find exactly what I’m looking for in every aspect of my life.  And you never know, maybe if I do this I will find that man with the white horse to join me on my quest.

   

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Time and Patience

November 19, 2007

The two words in the English language which cause me to cringe and scream are time and patience.  A few years ago I had a wonderful old man I didn’t know tell me I needed to learn these things to make my life better.  Especially my love life.  I didn’t think he knew what he was talking about but now I know he was right.  If you can’t wait for things to happen they won’t happen like they are supposed to.

I learned this is true when it comes to my love life.  About the time this man told me this I was looking at getting into a relationship with someone I knew for a couple of years.  We both had some things which were keeping us from being together and I was getting impatient with waiting for him.  It wasn’t like I didn’t have something holding me back but I wanted him to hurry and take care of his situations so we could be together. 

Well, he took care of his end of the bargain but then their was me.  I was dragging my feet and this drove him nuts.  He then told me we could never be together unless I dealt with this situation.  I got right on it.  He took care of his problems and here I was dragging him along with mine.  This wasn’t fair. 

Well I began taking care of my problems right away and as of next month all my problems will be gone.  I know this doesn’t change things between us.  He has moved on and is seeing someone else now.  I do really miss him and my heart breaks when I think about all that I lost.

I wish I could change things.  He has a wonderful family and a great group of friends.  All the things I needed in my life.  Now I will have to wait until I can find it again.  I guess you never know how things will turn out in your life and there is no predicting the future and I can tell you from experience that if you want things to work out you need to learn to wait for it.  Some day it will turn out the way it is supposed to. And you can’t rush perfection.

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Quiet Time

November 11, 2007

I know this is amazing and is definitely worthy of a post.  On Saturday, I called my mother and asked her if she could take my kids for the night as well as my cats so they could get a wonderfully long deserved bath.  She said yes and didn’t even complain.  I didn’t even wonder why she said yes but then again maybe this is her way of trying to be nice to me.

Over the last couple of weeks we have been arguing with each other over the stupidest things.  She told my children things which don’t pertain to them.  There are many more things she has done but if you want to know what those are read my previous posts to understand.

Anyway, she was pleasant even today.  She must love me or something.  This morning she left bright and early going to the local discount store.  While there she pick up a newspaper for me and some things for my cats.  The cats she wanted me to get rid of she, instead buys things for them.  This afternoon, she helped give them a bath and let them wander around her house while they dried.  She loved up on them and they loved back.  I think she’s lonely.  She needs some company.  Now I can’t wait for my brother to get out, so she’ll have someone to keep her company.

This isn’t the only surprise for the day.  My other brother took my kids to church with him.  I’m starting to think hell is freezing over.  When both my mother and brother are nice to me, this is the only explanation.  Really what other explanation could there be.  I guess it could be the beginning of the holiday season and they figure Santa won’t come unless they are nice.  Well whatever it is I am happy.  How can I not be happy? 

Kindness is exactly what I have been needing in my life lately.  People to actually give a rats ass.  There are to many people in this world who only give help when it gets them something.  Look at the good I did.  It’s kind of like the cat leaving something dead on your doorstep or the little kid who wants a treat for going poop in the potty after they drug you the whole way into the bathroom to look at the tiny turd in the little toilet on the floor.  This wouldn’t upset me so much but when no one is watching these same people are the first to turn their backs on you when you genuinely need help.  

I guess I should really learn to stay focused when I write.  The original point of this post was quiet.  My younger children stayed with my roommate’s family so it was just my roommate and myself.  It was nice to have quiet.  There was no arguing, fighting, running, screaming, or any of the other things my children tend to do which drive us nuts. 

I forgot what it was like to have silence.  Then again as far as my kids go I haven’t really had silence since they were born.  When they do go and spend the night somewhere else I spend my time recovering from the constant noise and busy-ness of having them around.  Usually my time is spend cleaning up after them when they are away or running errands I can’t do with them.  This time it was different.  They cleaned up their messes before they left so I had all the time they were gone to unwind. 

It it amazing how easy it is to unwind when you don’t have anything going on.  I caught up on my sleep, something I have been meaning to do for awhile now.  This has made me smile and feel upbeat about life.  I know this may not last long but at least I have it for now, which is more than I can say for some people.

I guess you take what is dished out and if you learn something from it you grow and move on to your next step in life.  I’m getting ready to step on out.

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Going Home

November 10, 2007

Have you ever felt like you wanted to scream but knew that the people driving you crazy wanted to hear you loose your composer?  This is the world I live in.  My mother is excited to hear my brother will be coming home from prison.  Yea home.  The child who went nuts in her house, used drugs, and dealt the same from her basement gets to move back in.  I may have to live on the street with my kids and he gets to sleep at home.

How unfair can things be?  The reason I am not allowed back in is because I made a mess.  How about the mess he made?  I don’t think my mom realizes exactly what could have happened to her house had the police wanted to be mean.  She had drugs in her house and here in this state you can lose your possessions for that crime.  I don’t think she realizes it.

I remember the times when I found drugs in her house.  The first time I found them I gave them to my other brother and he gave them to my mom.  She gave them back to him without so much as an argument.  I was pissed.  Then there was the torch used to heat the spoon and the used syringe for his meth addiction.  She didn’t yell at him then either.  I leave my socks on the floor and it is world war three.  

Well I hope they have a fun time in the future.  I know they don’t have for me the things I need so I just need to move on.  This is true throughout my life.  I have things which aren’t working for me in my personal relationships.  For my love life I need to move on.  Staying stagnate isn’t helping.  How though should I do it?  Where should I move?

Sometimes I talk about my life and how everyone is all up in it.  I keep trying to run away by wanting to move somewhere else just to get away.  Moving isn’t what I need to do, running away is never an option.  I need to stand and fight for my life.  I realized that no matter what I do I can’t change the things that have happened to me.  I was so afraid of what people would think.  Why the hell do I care so much what people think?  At the end of the day the only people I answer to are me, myself and my kids.  They are all that is important to me. 

I have decided I need to not worry if I’m wrong I’m wrong and I will learn something from it.  Humility, being humble.  This is what I need to learn.  I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before.  I am a smart woman, well at least I think I am.  I just must be life dumb.

I sit here thinking about how the world is going to screw me today and oh whoa is me and poor me.  I realized this isn’t getting me a job, friends, or companionship.  I need to get out there and make something for and of myself.  Something I am proud of.  Well for right now something I am ok with.  Today is the beginning of the rest of my life, the good part.      

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Part of a Family

November 4, 2007

I realized today that I am no longer part of a family.  My nephew had his first birthday party today and I wasn’t invited.  It gets worse.  My older two children, who have been staying at my mother’s house all week only got to go because I hadn’t picked them up and not because they were invited. 

My mother wanted my kids to go home after the funeral yesterday.  She said after she got off from work she had somewhere to be and so my kids couldn’t be there.  When she realized they were going to be there for the night, she got upset and wanted to know when we were going to pick up the kids today.  She wanted them gone before she got off from work.

Well this didn’t happen.  Instead, they are spending the night with her.  Since my children were still at her house she took them to the birthday, I think mostly out of guilt.  My kids had a good time none the less and will be back here tomorrow no matter what. 

 When I realized where my kids were and where my mother had planned to be without telling me, I was pissed.  I let her know it when she called me to complain about my kids still being there while the party was going on.  That was wonderful.  I know I was losing my tack but I don’t care.  After all the crap those two have been through I figured they wouldn’t get so much crap from my own family.  Well I guess I was wrong.

When I confronted her about how my family doesn’t want me in it, she didn’t deny it.  Granted she didn’t admit it but her silence was as loud as if she screamed it in my ears.  She didn’t need to scream it at me their actions have said enough.  I am the most unwanted person in my family.  I can’t even say I am a black sheep since I’ve been black balled.

This makes me realize how much I don’t have around here.  What really is keeping me here?  The one person I miss will go where ever I go, the only thing still here is his headstone.  I can go anywhere my heart desires.  I’m thinking I need to read the signs and follow them this time.  When you have a sign you should listen to it.

With my husband, that sign came back in 1999.  We had a fight right before my birthday.  He stayed at his moms and I stayed at mine.  We didn’t speak to each other on my birthday but the day after we talked and apologized and “made up.”  I cried because it hurt.  I didn’t know then but found out a few days later I was pregnant.  He said this was a sign we were meant to be together.  A few weeks later I lost the baby.  Big red flag!!!  Lost the baby he said was a sign we were meant to be together.  I should have listened to the divine forces that be.

But I didn’t and now I have yet another opportunity to do the “right” thing and follow the signs.  Heck, maybe it will do me some good.  Until I figure out where I’m going to go I guess I will have to make due.