Archive for July, 2007

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Sorry About This Random Thought Post

July 26, 2007

I know I usually post long winded blogs which drive you crazy.  I apologies for this.  I also realized after the last post that when I’m in a mood I don’t form sentences well and I have a ton of misspellings.  I know you are saying to yourself “Why don’t you just go and edit out the porblems?”  I feel if I do you don’t get the real me.  The me which isn’t perfect, no matter how hard I try to let everyone think this.

Yesterday was a little difficult.  I realized I’m going to have to move yet again.  I just moved back in December and so this move isn’t exactly looked forward to.  I have just gotten all of the boxes unpacked and the kids have just gotten use to living in the middle of no where.  I will miss this place.  I have loved the peace and quiet we have had out here.  We don’t get many visitors and this makes things nice.  I don’t fear for my life like I did when I lived in the city.  Even though I don’t know the neighbors out here well I know they looked out for us and even thought of my kids like an extension of their family. 

Yesterday, my mother called me and started lecturing me on moving so much.  She said it isn’t good for my kids to move so much.  Just when they get used to everything you move them again.  Kids shouldn’t have to live like that.  Hey her words not mine.  This pissed me off.  I guess those people in the military shouldn’t have kids and once they do they should never move again.  Hell I have a friend whose father is in the military and she moved 18 times while in school.  She is a well adjusted young woman and I don’t think her moving so much is a bad thing. 

I don’t see anything wrong with this moving thing and my kids.  I love the school district they are in right now because they take my childrens differences and deal with them in class.  My 6 year old is very well ahead of the rest of his class.  He can already give his 11 year old sister a run for her money.  He is doing her grade level math work and can read a book made for someone at her grade level.  He always wants to be learning.  Hell he can count to 10 in more than 2 languages, I can barely do that and I’m 32.  I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep him stimulated mentally. 

Well his teacher knew this and she decided to take it upon her self to keep working with him on things which are above his grade level.  She was teaching him sign language.  Working on multiplication problems.  She didn’t really have a choice.  If she didn’t work with him he disturbed the students around him.  He was getting his work done long before the rest of the students in the class.  Then just like his mom, he began talking to the kids and this kept them from getting their work done.

Well my other children aren’t as gifted.  They will be lucky if they get into college.  My oldest sons greatest goal is to work at McDonalds.  All because the owner of the one in our old home town drove a high priced performance machine.  I think it was a Ferrari.  No matter how much we tell him he will never be that without good education he doesn’t listen.  All pay for no work is going to be his motto.  He needs to get his head on straight.  He only has a couple of years left before he will be out in the real world with it biting him in the ass, just like the rest of us.

Here I am looking back over what i have already written and thinking at the beginning I promised not to write a long post again and here I am writing the post.  I’m going to end it here and I will be back later and finish this little rant if I am still on this train of thought.       

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On Lifes Little Detours

July 24, 2007

I know I haven’t posted on here in a little while and even though I have signed in here a few times I haven’t actually posted anything.  Sometimes I try to tell myself lies like your life just isn’t interesting, nothing new has happened and when you feel your life is like that it is so hard to write a post.  I get up, deal with my kids, then go to bed.  Nothing more than that.

So how do you blog about your life when you feel you don’t have one?  You don’t.  Well I feel I today I have something to blog about.  Today I met with my attorney.  Yah thats right I met with my divorce attorney and hopefully I will be divorced very soon.  I can’t wait.  I know it is suppose to be a little bitter sweet but I can’t wait.  It has been too long and I want to move on with my life.

After four years I have dealt with most of the feeling people have about their ex’s.  For the most part I no longer hate him.  Actually I thank him everyday.  If he hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have experienced things in life that I have.  I wouldn’t ever have gotten a tattoo or any body piercings.  I wouldn’t have ever really know what it was like to have a positive relationship with anyone.  Since he was so horrible to me I never thought I should be treated with respect and assumed I deserved nothing more.  Worse, I let my kids treat me the same way and now I’m paying the price for it.  It is hard and it hasn’t been a cake walk but we are trying to learn respect for each other. 

I’m not sure what I ever really saw in him.  He wasn’t attractive as a matter of fact he is kind of ugly.  He is tall dark and ugly.  He was working a dead end job and not doing very well at it.  He was sponging off his mother and sister and friends.  For whatever reason I found him funny.  Looking back I can see I was desparate.  He wasn’t even that.  He was a useless lump of crap and I wrapped him in a beautiful bow and took him with me.  

Now I know you are probably wondering why I stayed with him so long.  I loved my kids.  We did make some very beautiful children together and for them I would do it all over again.  I can’t imagine my life without them.

Anyway I spent most of the time I was married to him making excuses for him.  Why he was such a loser?  I never really thought that when I was with him and I tried to tell everyone why.  If he hurt me or one of the kids I made up excuses.  I should have seen all of this coming but instead I made up excuses for it because I wanted to believe he loved me and we were going to be together forever and that he would never leave me because he loved me. 

I was wrong and not seeing it only made things worse.  I had trouble accepting things and it was hard for my kids.  They had lost their dad and their mom was nuts.  Looking back I could have been stronger for their sakes and not been whoa is meing. 

I should have seen it coming.  He was being distant, lying, and may other hurtful things.  I can’t exactly pin it down but it all became almost unbearable in our last year together.  I had many things happen in the last year.  My father was diagnosed with cancer, my mom had a hysterectomy, I thought I had lung cancer.  I will never forget these things.  They all took place between Memorial Day and July 4th.  My dad told me on our way home from our annual camping trip over Memorial Day weekend that he had cancer.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t stop crying.  I was afraid of losing my dad. He was my rock. 

Then my mom blacked out behind the wheel of her car and discovered her hemaglobin was dangerously low.  She needed a blood transfusion.  This was just before the fourth of July.  She was admitted and I wanted to go see her.  My husband refused to take me instead he took my kids to a party.  Told me if I wanted to see my mother I should find my own ride. 

Maybe I should elaborate a little on this.  He and my mother hate each other.  He would have been happen if she had died.  There was no love lost between these two.  I spent my time keeping their claws out of each other.

We went camping after the party and as we were packing up camp my chest started to hurt.  At first I thought it was a heart attack.  As time wore on I knew it wasn’t.  The pain was different.  Finally I couldn’t breath anymore and I had him take me to the hospital.  There they saw something on my xray.  They weren’t sure so they told me to follow up in a month with my doctor.  I asked what it was and they let me know…it could be cancer.  My world fell apart.  I couldn’t work or care for my kids and at this time I had a kid in diapers.  I was afraid I was going to miss them growing up.  

My husband was a smoker and I was afraid he would die before the kids were fully grow and if I died then who was going to care for the kids.  I asked him to quit smoking if I died.  He said he would think about it.  Think about IT!!!  Who has to think about it?  You should care about your kids and worry your not going to see them grow up. 

Then after the month and some intense testing to make sure I didn’t have cancer, I thought we were in a better place.  I was wrong.  We went camping for Labor Day and thanks to that little trip I got pregnant.  Well actually I kept denying I was pregnant and took the test to prove to him I wasn’t.  When I took the test and it came back positive, I was excited.  He came home from work and asked if I had taken the test and I told him yes and where it was.  He came back from viewing it and call me a fucking bitch.  I wasn’t the only one who was there when the child was concieved and had even warned him of the dangers an unprotected romp in the hay would have.  He said he didn’t remember me ever telling him that. 

In either case I was pregnant.  Things from this point on didn’t get better.  Actually it got worse.  He started lying to me about money, was gone all the time, and had begun reading personals.  This wasn’t all.  He did nothing to help get ready for the baby.  I had to paint by myself, standing on chairs and what not.  Then when it came time to put the baby bed together I did it by myself, eight months pregnant.  I varnished a door, sanded lead based paint, and many other things simple because they needed done and he wasn’t helping. 

I, of course, was making up excuses for him.  He was stressed about the baby and money was tight.  Hindsight says these were all little signs.  Actually large flashing neon signs bright red and very hard on the eyes.  Everyone from miles around could see it but not me.  No one was surprised when he left me except me.  Most everyone knew he was a piece of crap and I deserved much better.  They wanted him out of my life and knew when he was my life would be much better.  

The timing of his departure stank.  Our youngest was only three weeks old and ill.  I was on leave from my job and recovering from surgery.  I couldn’t do but the simplest thing by myself.  He left me with no money, no car, and what I felt was all the responsibility, and no explaination. 

I still don’t have any idea what drove him away and I probably never will.  I thought it was all my fault and he has let me continue to believe so.  He has said I was right about the responsibility thing.  He didn’t want any and figured I could handle it.  This explanation is bunk since the woman he left me for (after having only known her for a month) needed him to raise her kids and pay her bills.  The girl has changed but the situation hasn’t.  He is still with a woman, caring for her kids and paying her bills.  I guess he will never learn. 

We are all better off without him.  He was a loser and not worth the genetic material used to create him.  Maybe I should have listened to his step dad all those years ago when he told me he was a loser and wouldn’t amount to anything.  

To Roger:  Even through your drunken rant you have an amasing way of always being right.  Maybe a little off on your timing but you are right.  I should have listened to you all those years ago and run as fast as I could.  You are wise and don’t forget it.  Thank you!!!

I know this blog is long, very, very, very long.  I am hoping that aside from the blog where I make my official return to singledom wide known there will no longer be any posts about him.  He is the past and should forever stay there.  One day the dreams will be real and the nightmares long forgotten.   

       

    

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Happy Birthday ~ To ME!!!

July 3, 2007

I know this title is a little selfish but hey, most people will forget today is my birthday.  So what better way to celebrate it then to wish myself one. 

Last year only a few people remembered to tell me.  Hell my kids had to be prompted.  My brothers and mother had to be reminded, days later, and I still didn’t get a happy birthday out of them.  I expect the same thing this year.  This year though it is my own fault.  One brother is in prison, and I’m not speaking to my mother or other brother.  Well I shouldn’t expect too much, they tend to be very selfish.

Well I have some sleeping to do (this is what I have decided to do for my birthday).  I’m going to bed and I’ll see you all on the Fourth of July!!!  The day our country was founded.  A day for the country to lose its mind and get drunk and blow themselves up.  I know such a positive thought but it is true.  People of this country have no idea what the holiday is all about.  They think it is about drinking and fireworks.  I’m not against it either.  I just think people should be more careful.

Everyone have a careful Independence Day.  Relax responsibly!!!  Know your limit and leave the fireworks to the professionals.