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Missing Out on Life

June 27, 2008

Four years ago, my father died.  I know I should at some point in time be over it but I still take things really hard at times.  I have been having a pretty rough month and have been taking it out on everyone around me.  I feel bad about this, wishing I could change it but as my birthday is less than a week away and my 15 yr class reunion was held last weekend, I feel I am reminiscing more often this year than I have in the past.  Maybe it is because this year I am doing it sober, surrounded by family who haven’t mentioned him at all last month unless I mention him first.  Of course we all handle things differently and my brother’s drinking has started to get out of control.  Is it normal for a person to drink at least a twelve pack a night?

One of my closest friends has started to make a video scrapbook for her mom taking pictures from when she was a kid and including some pretty important things, like the births of children, the changes in family, and the marriages.  As I watched this video for her I saw her sister’s wedding.  This made me think that my own father wasn’t at my first wedding because I knew he would have stopped it and now I will never get the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle.  Ever.  No matter who I marry, he won’t be there.

After I realized this I started crying about all of the things my dad is going to miss out on by not being here.  I know it isn’t his choice he isn’t here and I know (in case there is anyone who would like to point it out) he will always be with me (in spirit).  The thing is he won’t be with me in person.  I won’t ever have his advice, his funny joke, or his loud chuckle.  My kids will never get to know the greatest person I have ever had in my life, the one who had the greatest influence on making me who I am today.

I know hide site is 20/20 and now I can see the things in my life I wasn’t proud of, all the things I did wrong.  I regret marrying the man I did, but I don’t regret the children we had together.  I regret letting him hurt my children over and over again, but know that I will never give up hope that he will want to be the dad my dad was. 

I sit here watching movies full of parents who are divorced where both parents want to be in their kids lives so badly that they fight for them, tooth and nail, until forever.  Why don’t they ever make a movie that shows my life, the one where one fights for everything and the other walks off, never to have anything to do with them again.  Well at least we still have the T.V. shows were they try to establish who the baby daddy is. 

I know this may seem strange but we watched the Santa Clause.  I really wished my kids had parents like his.  Ones who fight so hard for him that they don’t stop until they win and even the step dad loves the kid so much he only wants what is best for him.  I wish my kids had one of those dads or even a step dad like that.  Then I get to thinking about the fact that my kids have lots of people who love them.  Why do they need a dad?  Would my life had been any different without one?  Yes it would have and it does now.

 

 

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