Archive for March, 2008

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Moody Musings

March 28, 2008

For the last few weeks I have been in a terribly horrible mood.  For absolutely no reason at all I get angry and then quiet.  I don’t know if it is the weather, being sick, or what but I really want this to stop.  I can’t keep this up and I know that it if I don’t I will never have a chance to move forward in my life.

This morning, for example, I was angry that everyone was yelling at me because I had yet to get ready to leave, yet they themselves weren’t ready.  I went off yelling at someone who didn’t necessarily deserve my bad mood and to them I am sorry (you know who you are).  I know this is unacceptable behavior from a woman of my age but I couldn’t help it.  I hated the way I felt and the way i made them feel after this interaction, hell even during the interaction, but I couldn’t stop. 

Sometimes I feel as if the world is sucking the life out of me.  Maybe it is because I feel to depended upon.  With my family, friends, and school I can’t help but feel this way.  I’m not overdoing it as some people can do.  I don’t have a job right now that brings in the money I need but this can’t be the reason either.  I’ve been poor before and not felt like this.  Maybe I just need a vacation from my life.

Until I can go and be on my own for awhile I don’t think this mood is going to change.  Then again maybe all I need is a few good days in the sun!!!

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Crazy Weather

March 27, 2008

This morning my children were feeling better so I decided they needed to return to school.  This little jaunt of getting them there takes us the better part of an hour.  I know I could just transfer them to the town where we are living and save the headache that is driving and gas but I would still have to drive near there on a daily basis for my schooling so for now they stay.

Anyway back to my discussion of the commute.  The skies are gray, you know the color they can get when it is definitely going to rain, maybe even storm a little.  I was expecting that maybe we would run into a little rain on the way to school.  This isn’t too bad but keep in mind that it isn’t ideal either since the windshield wipers don’t work on my car.  The Rain X does help though once you get to going highway speeds and since most of my travel is on one highway or the next, this is fine with me.

We left town and began our trek to school when the skies opened up and it began raining.  We were still able to drive but the rain kept coming down really hard.  The worst part of this trek in the rain is all the big vehicles who have not a care in the world, spewing dirty water from their tires.  This makes my windows dirty and then the commute gets a little dangerous.  This morning for whatever reason everyone drove their gas guzzling SUV’s and pickup trucks to work.  My car is now a mess of road grim and dirt. 

Once we were about five miles from the school, the rain turned to this sort of hail, sleet, snow mix.  It was pretty harrowing at times since every semi was on the road this morning as well.  I feared for my life a little but we got the kids to school just fine.

This weather is very strange.  First it gets really nice, so nice that you figure you may not have to wear the sweats much longer.  The very next day, there is a foot of snow on the ground.  So this morning it wasn’t a foot of snow but it was decently wild.  I had never seen hail snow and lightning all at the same time.  

The even more interesting part of this is that my younger brother, who thinks he can forecast the weather, really can’t.  He told us as did the weather people come to think of it, that it wasn’t going to snow at all here, all we were getting was some rain.  I can see the white stuff in the grass, I think they were wrong!!!  My brother went one step further, he said it wasn’t going to even rain.  Well my wet socks say otherwise.

Right now it is snowing outside again, but the forecast for the weekend is looking nice.  I hope it comes true because I want to spend some much needed time outside under the sun while avoiding it at the same time.  Gotta love the doctors and medicine!!! 

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Another New Day Dawning

March 26, 2008

Just when my life seems to be going great something comes along and knocks me off my feet.  I hate being in my life right now and know it will not get better until I do something to change it.  I don’t know what to do though so here I sit waiting for life to give me some sort of sign.  I don’t know what kind of sign I’m looking for but I know that I want one.  Maybe all of this waiting isn’t doing any good and I should just get up, shake off the dirt, and move!  Alas this is hard for me since I like to plan for everything. 

It is amazing how much of my life I have spent waiting.   I even do this when I go shopping.  I go to the store to buy something and usually walk out of the store without buying what I went for in the first place.  Maybe I need to change this about me.  I can never decide what I want to buy or I decide that I don’t really need it.  Of course with an outfit, I really do need it but I still put off buying it because I convince myself that I don’t need it right now.  This has left me where I am right now.  I have no dress outfits and barely have anything else to wear.  This does make it very difficult to get a job.

The other thing I have trouble doing is asking for help.  I don’t like to ask for anything if I don’t need it.  This dates back as far as I can remember.  I don’t like asking for help from my instructors, bosses, co-workers, not anyone.  Even when I needed help because I hurt my knee and needed someone to drive me and help me carry my things I attempted to refuse.  It became humbling but I hated it.   

Anyway, I started to write this in the morning and now I’m finishing this blog, yet another sign that I like to procrastinate.  I have decided to take a step in the right direction by applying for jobs.  So this morning while I was writing this blog I began the fruitless search for my resume.  I can’t find it so now I have to start all over again.  I am starting to believe that I have the worst luck in the world.  I feel like the king midas of shit, everything I touch turns to crap. 

I’m hoping that things will change tomorrow and everything will work out the way it has been planned.  I keep thinking positively but until I can get somewhere with this I will try not to touch anything important.  No one needs extra shit, especially not me.

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Religion for the Non-Religious

March 23, 2008

Being today is Easter, my family decided we should fulfill our religious obligations again today.  We do the same thing at ever other religious holiday.  Attending a church service for the sake of saying we are religious.  Well today I didn’t go and neither did my middle son.  As a matter of fact they are still servicing their religious needs as we speak.

What is it about holidays that make us feel we need to visit our related place of worship?  Is it the need to update so we will know what is happening in our religion or something deeper?  Do we figure that a couple times a year will be sufficient to keep us in the good graces of the high power in our lives?  Whatever it is we go back again and again, religious holiday after religious holiday.

This is my problem with organized religion.  The need to visit a certain place to worship our deity of choice and the need to do it on certain days of the week or times of the year.  Who made up all of these rules?  I personally like things which run on my time.  A religion I can live with is one where I have a lot of control over when things are done and why.  For this very reason I have settled on paganism as a whole.  There isn’t the need for me to worship following rule I don’t believe in.  The mainstream religions have so many rules that just don’t make sense.  The other thing about mainstream religion is that those who follow it don’t really follow it like they should. 

There are many more things I don’t understand about many religions but I don’t want to start a debate among otherwise calm and rational individuals.  There are other things about holidays that I don’t get as well.  Why is it we feel the need to get together with family only on these preset dates on the calendar?  Why are holidays so important when it comes to family feasts?

I ask this because a little later today I will be going to my brother’s house, my brother whom I see almost every day and the rest of my family I live with.  Why is it we only get together as a family now?  What is the reasoning for it?  I would understand it if, say, one of our family members lived out of state and could only make it back here for the holidays but this isn’t the case.  We all live within a few blocks of one another and see each other all the time.  There is no need to get caught up because we already know almost everything about each others lives.  So why is it we need to sit down and break bread?

Easter is usually the holiday where the little girls and boys get all dressed up in their cute new light colored dresses or suits and do egg hunts in the yard.  This image from my youth has changed so much that today it doesn’t have any meaning.  There aren’t many times where you see real life scenes from movies like Steel Magnolias.  People can go to the local Wal-Mart and do an Easter egg hunt and most people don’t get as fanciful as the used to this time of year.  Maybe it is just me but I think this is the case.  We don’t have the time anymore.  No one gets to know their neighbors and if you do then you must be snooping.  I long for the old days when people took contact with others for granted.  Easter reminds me of that.

Well sorry I got a little long winded.  I need to get going.  Church service is over and the eating is just about to begin.  So happy Easter to those who celebrate.  For those who don’t try not to eat too many eggs or too much chocolate.

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Easter Wishes and Ostara Dreams

March 22, 2008

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers Happy Easter or Happy Ostara.  May the holiday be filled with family and friends as we celebrate the rebirth of the holy one(s). 

I know the title might be a little weird but I’m feeling that way today.  Kinda reminds me of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.  I know I’m not rich or famous in any way that counts to the masses but I feel I am rich in ways that you can’t measure, at least not with any standard device.  Famous is in the eye of the beholder.  I feel famous, everywhere I go people call out my name.  Ok so they are my kids, but I still feel famous. 

My oldest son told me, after his visit with his dad yesterday, that his dad and his girlfriend are looking at getting married within the next month.  Well I want to congratulate them on this wondrous feet.  I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you both have what he and I didn’t, the strength and courage to work through our problems and an undeniable lust for life with each other as company.  I am not in the least bit bitter as some people can be.  I am truly happy for them and wish them the best of luck.

This does make me wish I had some sort of good news for myself on this front.  When our divorce was about to be final, and I personally believe he chose to say this to make himself feel less guilty about the break up of our marriage, he told me I would be happy because this would mean I could get married.  I’m not sure exactly why he thought I would want to get married five seconds after my divorce was final but he is insane.

My first marriage happened after years of dating and one kid.  I swore I wouldn’t get married just because of a kid.  So I didn’t get married because of the first kid.  We had been dating for a couple of years when the unthinkable happened.  I got pregnant again.  So we decided we needed to get married before anyone noticed I was pregnant again.  We rushed it through and were married a month after I found out about our impending bundle of joy.  The only witnesses to our festivities were his sister, my brother, and my brother’s girlfriend at the time.  No parents, no extended family, nothing fancy.  I just wanted it over with before my parents found out.

Yes that is right, my parents didn’t like him at all and when they found out what I had done, the silence was astounding.  I look back on all of my relationship with my ex and I know that I did everything because I was ashamed of him.  I couldn’t believe I was settling for someone who was so beneath me.  

I want to make it perfectly clear that while I feel my marriage was a mistake, I don’t regret some of the best things to ever happen to me.  My children are where I get my zest for life from, the spark that lights my inner fire.  Without them I would probably not be here.  They have given me what I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off, and realize there are plenty more things in this life then the things I have lost.

Well this is enough of this post and I hope all is well with every one of you and that you find your own reason for this season.  It is a season of rebirth so may each and every one of you who read this find one thing you dislike about yourself and find a way to change it to attain the best possible feelings about yourself.

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Hate the One You Came With

March 20, 2008

Ever since I can remember, I have always tried to make my family happy.  Do this, do that, good little slave.   Oh you’re happy, not here in this house you’re not.  Good grades, sorry but we don’t recognize good grades in this house, only bad.  This hasn’t changed even though I am in my thirties.  I have always lived in a house where I have been the quiet one, the one who no one notices unless I was doing something I shouldn’t.

So to make my family notice me, I rebelled.  Bad grades, skipping work, stealing the family car, even dating the wrong guys.  It got so bad that I even got myself good and knocked up, by a guy my family couldn’t stand.  Even better, I moved out of my family’s home on my mother’s birthday.  Best comeback I could think of at the time.  I learned my lesson from that really quick.  Within a few months I was back under her roof again, and right back into the same situations I rebelled against.

The reason I say this is because it doesn’t matter now what I do, I am back to being a good slave girl.  Oh you’re happy, well not on my watch.  You have a boyfriend, not if I get to his parents first.  Oh you have kids, not under my roof, they are mine to control and use against you as I please.

For the last eight months, my mom has been controlling my children without me knowing it.  I guess maybe I should have known it since I have been around my kids all the time.  Well really she has only been controlling my oldest son but now his attitude had been passed on to his younger brothers and sister.  They all have become ungrateful little green eyed monsters.  They want everything and when I remind them I can’t give them anything they get angry and break things or turn on me and either treat me like dirt or treat me like they are my parent, something my mother has allowed them to think was acceptable behavior. 

In the last month things with them having gradually gotten worse.  A couple of weeks ago, my oldest son was acting out.  After weeks of hearing how poor a mother I had become and how my children’s discipline problem was because of a lack of acting on my account of not “doing” anything I decided to try the other way of thinking.  

This is where I would like to interject something about the way I discipline.  When I was a kid, my parents would beat my butt if I did anything wrong.  I didn’t think my kids needed to be brought up in that type of environment.  I wanted my kids to not be hit.  I didn’t want to have my kids growing up afraid of me.  I also knew this was a possibility seeing as I knew someone who was raised in a non-violent family, including his step-parents.  However I know that this isn’t working for us but I still don’t believe in hitting or spanking or any of that as a form of punishment, yet my family believes it is the only form of punishment so I thought I would give it a try.     

I removed my “big, fat ass” from the chair I was in and attempted to make my son mind me, i.e. I tried to physically move him back into the other room-after many attempts of just telling him to go and pointing him in the direction he needed to move.

When he resisted, I attempted to use “police” style force, placing his arm behind his back and wrapping my arm through it.  He could have gotten loose from my grasp and he knew it.  I didn’t want to hit him and I knew that he wasn’t being hurt by this so I figured it would be between my terms of punishment and theirs.  I was very wrong.

Instead of trying to free himself he decided to take another course of action being as though we were right outside my mother’s room.  He screamed and she flew out of her bed and came after me.  I let my son out of the hold to defend myself.  I could have just let her attack me without putting up a fight of any kind but I didn’t want to end up far worse than I did.

I will admit that I pushed her hard enough she bounced onto the end of her bed but she got right back up swinging.  As she always does during our fights, she went for my face, flinging my glasses off with her slightly open talons.  Once we landed on her bed, to keep her from further hurting me, I held her down as I usually do only this time she was on top of me.  I grabbed a handful of hair and held her to the bed.

“Get the F#$* off of me” she screamed multiple times, which was interesting since I was under her.  “Are you done yet?” was my response.  Once her limbs had slowed, I let go of her hair and let her up, just like I always do.

Since she knew she couldn’t beat me physically, she began screaming at me telling me how she does all of this because she is worried about her grandkids because there mother is such a poor piece of crap and doesn’t care for them.  At this point, I reminded her that she threw these same grandkids she cared so much for out on the street a little more than 2 years ago.  So much for that claim.

She then turns the situation back at my friend-the one who lost everything because she took us in.  It is all her fault.  That’s right, it is her fault.  Not sure exactly how this is all her fault but I plan to find out.  How could it be her fault, she did what no one else would.  Put up with my ungrateful kids, driving them everywhere, buying them things they don’t need, and making sure they didn’t want for not.  Sounds like this is her fault doesn’t it.

This whole thing got me to thinking.  Over the course of my life, she has driven out anyone in my life whom she couldn’t control or who affected her control of me.  Those people who let me think I had a mind or even a half a mind.  Those who defended me when I wouldn’t defend myself.  Those who cared about me in any capacity and took me away from everything keeping me from being the good little slave.

I have had a few boyfriends in my time and one way or another he reasons we broke up link back to my mother or my family in some way.  Hell even my now ex-husband left because of her.  She then drove out my friends, my fiance, and now she is trying to drive out my one last remaining person left in my life outside my family.  I would like to say here that I wouldn’t be a responsible human being if I didn’t admit that I did have a part in all of the relationships breaking down.  My mother wasn’t the only one responsible, yet she did commit a large number of grievances I did nothing about.

As I sit back and watch, she treats her the same way she treated my ex-husband, I wonder how long it will be before she leaves like the rest of them did.  The way it works is like this, she showers them with gifts and attention one minute then curses their very existence the next.  She is trying to make her leave me like the rest of them did so I will be back to the slave role without complaint.

One thing my mother doesn’t count on is me.  Spring is the season of birth and rebirth.  I have been reborn, like the phoenix from the ashes.  This pheonix is evolving and changing, ready to kick some tail.  I am tired of being kicked around by life and by my family.  I am better than that.  I deserve to be loved and respected by my children and my family.  Have my personal opinions and parenting styles not called into question by my family and not be talked about like I’m not here and have no mind but that is for another post. 

So from this day forward there will no longer be the shy slave girl, taking a whooping and not standing up for herself.  I am a goddess of war, and I will not turn tail and run away so be careful what you say or do to me.

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Updating the Updates and More Randomness

March 16, 2008

This is the end of the weekend away from all of my kids, which hasn’t happened in I’m not sure how long.  Yes the younger two stayed with their dad and just as predicted, they didn’t want to come home.  This now makes all four of my kids who want to live with their dad. 

I don’t understand them.  How can they stay for one night with him and come home and want to spend the rest of their life with him?  He hasn’t been in their life for for the last few years and now they can’t live without him.  Where is my respect, respect for the one who didn’t walk out on them when one of them was just a baby?  I sit here thinking what did I do wrong, why do my children hate me so much? 

I begin thinking about my own relationship with my parents.  I can’t stand my mom.  Well, I tolerate her, but nothing more.  I completely adored my father.  I looked up to him.  I still do.  Every day I miss him and his advice.  I am lost without him and still haven’t found that someone whose voice I listen to.  Maybe this is why my children look up to their dad.  I still don’t understand it but maybe it is because I am too close to the situation. 

My kids love their dad and for this I am happy.  I can’t wait until the day when we can equally share in their upbringing.  For now though it is all on me.  Until then I will decide everything for them, both good and bad.