Archive for June, 2008


Missing Out on Life

June 27, 2008

Four years ago, my father died.  I know I should at some point in time be over it but I still take things really hard at times.  I have been having a pretty rough month and have been taking it out on everyone around me.  I feel bad about this, wishing I could change it but as my birthday is less than a week away and my 15 yr class reunion was held last weekend, I feel I am reminiscing more often this year than I have in the past.  Maybe it is because this year I am doing it sober, surrounded by family who haven’t mentioned him at all last month unless I mention him first.  Of course we all handle things differently and my brother’s drinking has started to get out of control.  Is it normal for a person to drink at least a twelve pack a night?

One of my closest friends has started to make a video scrapbook for her mom taking pictures from when she was a kid and including some pretty important things, like the births of children, the changes in family, and the marriages.  As I watched this video for her I saw her sister’s wedding.  This made me think that my own father wasn’t at my first wedding because I knew he would have stopped it and now I will never get the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle.  Ever.  No matter who I marry, he won’t be there.

After I realized this I started crying about all of the things my dad is going to miss out on by not being here.  I know it isn’t his choice he isn’t here and I know (in case there is anyone who would like to point it out) he will always be with me (in spirit).  The thing is he won’t be with me in person.  I won’t ever have his advice, his funny joke, or his loud chuckle.  My kids will never get to know the greatest person I have ever had in my life, the one who had the greatest influence on making me who I am today.

I know hide site is 20/20 and now I can see the things in my life I wasn’t proud of, all the things I did wrong.  I regret marrying the man I did, but I don’t regret the children we had together.  I regret letting him hurt my children over and over again, but know that I will never give up hope that he will want to be the dad my dad was. 

I sit here watching movies full of parents who are divorced where both parents want to be in their kids lives so badly that they fight for them, tooth and nail, until forever.  Why don’t they ever make a movie that shows my life, the one where one fights for everything and the other walks off, never to have anything to do with them again.  Well at least we still have the T.V. shows were they try to establish who the baby daddy is. 

I know this may seem strange but we watched the Santa Clause.  I really wished my kids had parents like his.  Ones who fight so hard for him that they don’t stop until they win and even the step dad loves the kid so much he only wants what is best for him.  I wish my kids had one of those dads or even a step dad like that.  Then I get to thinking about the fact that my kids have lots of people who love them.  Why do they need a dad?  Would my life had been any different without one?  Yes it would have and it does now.




All the Guys Who Know How to Treat a Woman, This Isn’t for You!!!

June 9, 2008

Why does life have to be so cruel?  I promised to stop dwelling on how horrible my life is, relationship wise, but after last night I can’t help it.  Men can be scum.  Why is it they feel a woman must be toned, tight, curvy, whatever, in order to fall in love with them.  I thought love is supposed to be blind.  I guess someone forgot to tell some people that.

Why is it that men assume things about women and never stop to think?  There are more parts to women than the flesh they reside in.  Is it not enough to be intellectually stimulating, devastatingly witty, downright charming?  This is the part I find funny.  The one thing that attracts guys to women is the only damn thing that will change.  Eventually all women will gain weight, have wrinkles, drooping boobs, and will go grey.  That is what is interesting.  Their minds are still intact, unchanged.

Realizing this kind of makes me laugh.  It doesn’t help with the pain of knowing that a guy will never look at me the way he looks at a perfect 10 but do I really want a relationship based on how I look.  This should be a bonus to the relationship, not the basis for it. 

Some guys need to get off themselves.  I wonder if these guys realize that they will go bald, get love handles, go grey, and get wrinkles.  They themselves won’t be perfect 10’s their whole life.  You know what I find most interesting, people who view others based on looks don’t realize that with surgery or weight loss or whatever, I can change how I look.  Can you do the same with your own inadequacy?  As far as this goes, without surgery, none of us will look fabulous forever.  We all will wither away and die, just like everyone else.

I don’t know why this has gotten under my skin so much.  Maybe it’s because trying to teach a shallow person something isn’t as easy as intellectually stimulating as I thought it would be.  This person, in particular, is proud of the fact that e swims in the shallow end.  What is so sad for him is he really isn’t good looking and uses his former (not current) occupation as a way to pick up chicks (he doesn’t like to name drop but if he can use it to get into your pants and get him where he wants to go, he has no problem with it at all).

The other thing I have noticed about men like these is that they tend to believe they are the best lovers with the biggest penises.  Boy, are they WRONG!!!  Worse is they believe they know what to do with what they’ve got.  Sad to say but most of these men don’t know what they are doing, and worse yet, their only concern within the sexual department is that they themselves are satisfied.  Didn’t they forget something – like their partner?  They could just as easily get themselves done and leave the woman out all together.

This is something men should pay attention to.  Women are looking for a guy who has a gift for knowing exactly what she wants and not stopping until she is satisfied, before even considering himself.  He learns how she responds to his touch, how she likes to be handled.  He doesn’t assume she will just lay there, legs in the air, watching the clock, knowing it won’t be more than a few minutes before he rolls over and falls asleep, leaving her frustrated, needing to finish the thing he started on her own.  All this and knowing she will have to stroke his ego and tell him how big he is, how good he is, lying the entire time, letting him think he is the best she has ever had.

To all you men out there, take heed.  Women are going to start looking for exactly what they want in a man.  Women stand up and tell them how you feel.  Don’t let this situation continue on to affect our daughters and sons.  Teach them respect, love, too look beyond a nice butt or a huge rack.  We are more than our parts.  We aren’t Barbie and shouldn’t ever be expected to be.