Archive for January, 2008

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Life Changes Those Around You Too

January 31, 2008

In one of my previous posts I commented that I was looking forward to spending some time with my kids.  I know this is what I said but I now remember why I quit spending time with my kids.  They drive me nuts.  They constantly fight with each other, they are rude, and they are never quiet.  Well this last part isn’t really true.  They are quiet right now but that is because they are sleeping. 

I really do miss spending time with them but I realize that as a single mom my time spent with them is so very short.  I need to spend the time I do have with them in a way they can appreciate.  The only problem is they all are so different from each other there isn’t anything they all agree on except to disagree.  How can you plan activities with four different kids so that none of them are excluded?  When I figure this out I will let you know.

With this out of the way, I am trying to get this post finished.  I started it last night and was distracted by my homework so I figured with my homework out of the way I would finish this post.

In my life, every day is starting to be just like the one before.  I don’t know if it is from lack of trying or if it is from boredom or what it is from but I am beginning to hate my so called life.  I know that was a TV show back in the 80’s when big hair was popular but since the 80’s are coming back maybe so will the show.

I don’t remember exactly when it all started, this boredom with the things around me and not the TV show.  I have been sitting here trying to remember.  I used to venture outside of my comfort and security into public places and talk with people who were not really strangers.  Why did this stop?

I never really did any of those things for most of my life.  I was always staying home and studying, avoiding going out because I was afraid someone might talk to me.  Even after I met my husband I still never went out, he wouldn’t allow me to, this would of course conflict with his desire to find a new girlfriend/wife, though I didn’t know it at the time.  Even after he left me I still sat at home and only went out to work and the store.  I never went out with my friends because I was afraid.  Of what I still don’t know.

Then I began going out and I started acting like a complete lunatic.  I was going out almost every night of the week, drinking way more than I should have been, and driving myself home afterwards.  I know now that those things were very bad but at the time I didn’t care. 

I was mad at my “husband” for the way he treated me and I realized he was out there having a good time while I was stuck home with his kids.  Where was my night out?  Where was my fun?

I finally decided that my father wouldn’t want me to sit around feeling sorry for myself, he’d want me out there enjoying life.  A friend of mine told my “husband” he was taking the kids so I could go out and there was going to be no way around it.  He was scared of her so he took the kids and I went out.

My life changed in that very moment.  I began acting like someone who has just turned 21 and because lusty with the drinks.  I played pool all night and there were even times when I did things I shouldn’t have (I will not discuss it in great detail to preserve the bond of trust that was placed between those I am talking about and myself).  Then as time went by I slowed down and eventually I stopped going out all together.

Why this happened is really a mystery.  I know I feared retaliation by those I had harmed in no way that was my fault.  Why really isn’t important here.  What is really important is I would like to get some of that back.  I would like to start going out again and meeting other adults outside of a classroom.

I will keep you updated on how this whole thing goes.  With any luck, maybe I can get a night out every once in awhile.  Even prisoners get time off for good behavior.    

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Lies

January 29, 2008

Why is it people feel the need to lie?  Is there something wrong with the world the way it is that people feel they can only make their small portion of this planet better by telling some sort of tall tale about what so and so has done this week while in the privacy of their own mind.  I just don’t get it.  My children have all been on a rash of lying lately.  First it was small stuff and very easy to spot but as time has gone on my kids are getting better at it, or I’m losing my edge, the firm little grasp releasing a little.

Not all of their lies make sense.  I try to remind them that lying is bad and that telling the truth will be less traumatic then lying and me finding out later that they lied.  No one likes a liar and I am no exception.  I have no idea where they are getting this habit from but I’m beginning to wonder whether it can be the environment they are living in.

My mother is a liar.  She isn’t even really good at it.  She tries, don’t get me wrong.  She just can’t do it.  Over the phone she has an easier time than she does in person.  In person she is spotted almost immediately.  Sometimes I think she is unaware that we know she is lying as for the most part we don’t point it out.  We let her believe she is smart for having tricked us when in actuality she is the one being duped.  I know this isn’t fair to her but hey she’s the one who is lying not me.

Then there is my younger brother.  He finds it difficult to lie unless it is something very important.  The things he finds important include anything to do with his drug dealing friends and their “business” or his whereabouts during times when he hasn’t been home like he is supposed to.  He also finds it difficult to tell the truth about his friends.  He has recently made the mistake of telling us a lie which didn’t get him far but if he knows he can he will push it until he wins and for the most part my mom lets him get away with it. 

My kids have picked up on this bad habit and this is driving me crazy, mostly because I don’t have time to waste figuring out what the truth is.  I don’t want to be like my mom and wake up some day and realize that my kids are doing drugs and having sex and heaven only knows what else and to have it pointed out to me that I let it all happen by not taking a stand against it when they were younger.

This has even come to light since my husband left me.  He was a liar.  I guess I should have expected it.  Even my most recent dating experience is making me rethink ever trusting anyone again, even myself.  How is it possible to be that oblivious to the things going on around you to not know anything.  As with my kids I don’t know who to believe.  Where are the people I need to trust and if you can’t trust family who are you suppose to trust?

Well until I figure this out I will keep my enemies close but my friends closer.

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Just Another Day…In Hell

January 27, 2008

Sometimes I think I am a permanent resident of hell.  Yesterday, my kids, and I say kids because I have yet to figure out who really did it, broke my computer.  One of them stepped on it and broke the screen and maybe even damages something more on the not so cheap side.

Today I went out a bought a new one.  I know that it isn’t top of the line but it is what I need for school.  Well I am now back up and running again.  I have even learned that one of my neighbors must have a wireless router.  I only know this because I am online without actually being connected through my dial-up connection. 

Hopefully everything will get back to normal here within the week.  I am looking to move out of my mom’s house here by the beginning of the month.  Then I will be busy spending some time with my kids.  I don’t think I spend near enough time with them.  I know my priorities have been screwed up in the past but I now realize where I should be and what I should be doing with my life.  For the past couple of years I have been putting my own needs ahead of theirs.  This all changed recently. 

I realized that my search for the perfect soul mate has failed.  Well maybe failed is the wrong word.  I know that right now I am not ready to have someone in my life in such a capacity.  They wouldn’t last two minutes in my life.  Just a little fun fact I have learned by being in the situation I’m in.  There are many things I learned just watching people.

Tonight I went with my brother to rent movies for him to watch.  I spied the people in the gallery gathering movies, the moms with their many children all agreeing to disagree about the movie they want to rent.  Then there are the couples there to rent a movie for the evening.  You could just about bet that they left with a chick flick the guy only agreed to this so he could have a chance to get the girl into bed with him.  I know this is cynical of me to think this way but it is probably very true.  Every guy I have know is like this. 

Why is it that guys tend to treat girls as if the only thing they are good for is getting another notch in their belt.  I’m sorry but I hate being the notch.  I married a guy who thought like this and I can tell you it is no fun.  He was out searching for the next best thing to come along all the while letting me believe I was the only one he cared for.  He cried when I asked him to leave, pretending to care because he had no where to go.  Once he had an escape route he fled faster than deer being hunted. 

This isn’t the only time I have ever been treated this way.  It probably won’t be the last either.  I always seem to attract the bad boys, the losers, those who need a girl with low self-esteem.  Standing out there with my heart on my sleeve, every guy who happens past shreds it with talon-like claws, pecking at the torn flesh.  Some day I hope to not be so careless.

Until then it will just be me and my children.  I will make do, living my life one day at a time.

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Another Random Post of Crazy Thoughts

January 24, 2008

Today I noticed how wonderful everything looks when you have the chance to make things good for yourself.  I know my life is headed up and I am making plans, something I haven’t been able to do in a very long time.  I look into my childrens faces and know they are the reason I am still here, the reason my life isn’t over yet.  They are clay and need to be molded into the outstanding young people I can be proud of.  Your children are the outward expression of how good a parent you are.  I know my children aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I know they have the potential to become and do many great things.  This, of course, is up to them.  The path they are on is all their own.  I know I can walk it only part of the way beside them and at some point our paths will separate, and I will leave them to walk it alone.  I won’t be far off, so they will be able to make the mistakes all people, no matter how perfect, make and they will know that I will be there to help them up when they fall.

Sorry I got to rambling but this is the way I feel I need to write.  Right now I am updating my new myspace account.  I never realized how much guys will do anything to get what they want.  I’m not saying that every guy is like that.  What I am saying is that there are alot of creeps out there.

Right now, I have been hit on by 6 guys.  I’m so glad I put down that I was single.  I’m thinking about changing it.  I have, since beginning this paragraph, written to all of them offering friendship and nothing more.  I didn’t offer anything about myself (some of them wanted me to email them at yahoo).  I was as polite as I could be and honest.  I didn’t ever say that nothing would happen but I never said we were going to hook up.  Oh the world of internet dating.  I don’t know what to think.   

Well I know it is late and I must get to bed.  I wish you all a wonderful day and hope you all find something to brighten every aspect if your soul, whether it be a child’s smile or laugh or how the neighbor wears his underwear and robe to get the paper in the blistering cold morning. 

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Rant Attack

January 9, 2008

I know I promised to write more often in here and about things which matter but I am having a hard time deciding exactly what I want to write about.  I have so many things I want to say and no idea where to begin. 

Since I am back in school I have had the opportunity to realize how much I hate stupid people.  For the most part my classes haven’t really contained a large number of stupid people but last night there was one girl who got on my nerves. 

She is a manager for an accessories store at the mall.  She is, I would say, right out of high school.  She is supposed to represent the future workforce.  She reminded me of the movie Clueless.  She uses the word like about every other word.  She has the idea that a manager should just sit back and file her nails while the employees do all the work.  She herself admitted she doesn’t know what she’s doing and when the instructor asked her questions she as a manager should have known she had not a clue.  GRRRR!!!

I worry about the business of the future.  I know that someday as a small business owner I will have to work with people just like this.  Ones who work so their parents will buy them a really fancy car or so they have an excuse not to help around the house anymore.  Ones who would rather sit and chit chat with friends than actually doing what they are supposed to because they know they don’t have to have a job because their parents will bail them out. 

This gets me to thinking about “rich kids.”  When I say rich kids I mean ones whose sole status is gained through their parents.  For example, what exactly did Paris Hilton do to become famous besides being the heiress to the Hilton fortune.  I know she did a little modeling but she is by no means as famous for modeling as some like Tyra Banks.  How about the Jenner boys.  I know Brody is on ‘The Hills’ but he was famous long before that because of his bad side.  Kids who do things because they know their parents will bail them out.  This bugs me about our future.  Just once I would like to hear about the ‘rich kid’ who does something good. 

Think about this: if you or I went to jail for any one of the things celebrities go to jail for we would have to serve our time in general population living like any inmate would have to but because they have money they get to stay in private.  Yeah that means no group shower for the heiress.  Sorry boys she won’t be releasing another movie about her sex-ploits which occurred while she was in jail.  Hell she even was allowed to leave because she had a medical problem.  If that where you or I we would be taken to a hospital where we would have someone guard us or we would have to stay at the medical ward of the place.  No warm soft bed for me with my mummy or daddy telling me it will be ok snookums.

I would like to take this chance to apologies for these rants against people I don’t know.  I am also in business law this semester so I will be ranting about things like this because I can.  If you don’t agree with me you can leave here fuming or write me a comment.  I really look forward to hearing what people have to say about these topics too.

   

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Random Thoughts From a Crazy Woman

January 6, 2008

I know it has been a little while since I have posted anything but with the holidays and my need to get the new year off right I haven’t really had time.  With school for me starting tomorrow I figured I have a little time.

I would like to thank my brother and sister in law for the invite to my niece’s birthday party.  I know I didn’t go but Michaela had a good time.  I hope you return her soon.  I know you threatened to write something not very nice if I didn’t go based off something I wrote in a previous post on here.  I would like to let you know that I am glad that so far you have chosen to act in a mature manner.  I would like a chance to explain for all of those who are reading this.

A while back I wrote a post about not getting invited to family functions, namely my nephew’s first birthday party.  Well they have now invited my daughter and myself to my niece’s birthday party.  I didn’t go, as you could have guessed, but I want a chance to defend myself. 

When you don’t invite me because of whatever argument we have going on my children lose out on it too.  I don’t know if you realize it but my children don’t get very much of a chance to spend time with most of their cousins and not getting invited to a party hurts.  You should know that they don’t get to spend time with the cousins on their fathers side since he has chosen to write them out of his life.  I was expecting more from my family. 

I don’t care if you never invite me to another party, get together, or whatever due to any problems we have between us but unless there is something my children have done then please, I ask you not to write them off, they get this enough from their father and his family.

Well on the lighter side of things, the new year is treating me well, so far.  Even though the old year went out on such a bang, literally (blown tire, interstate, no spare, new years eve, enough said) this year so far hasn’t been as bad as last year.  I mean at this rate anything will be better than last year.  I was living in a tent with no prospects and now I am living on my mother’s living room floor looking forward to the day when I can again sleep in my own bed and have my cats sleeping there with me.

I know there are people out there who have had birthdays and I haven’t wished them anything like I used to.  Well to all those people, happy birthday!!! 

My New Years plans went off without a hitch.  The doing nothing thing worked wonders.  I had fun watching movies with the kids and spending some much needed time with those I tend to neglect.  Even though I sometimes wish I had someone special in my life I know that right now I don’t have time for them.  I don’t want to fail at another relationship so I stay alone.  My children don’t need anyone else fighting to get out of there life, they already have too many.

If what they say is true, the person I will spend the new year with is my children.  No one else.  So don’t come here looking for a relationship.  Not like anyone will.

Well I have plenty more I want to say but not enough time in the day to say it all.  I will post more later.