Archive for July, 2008

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Abuse of the Mind

July 27, 2008

The system is screwed up.  I know that from my own dealings with it.  But over the past few days I have realized just how screwed up it is.  One child which is in my life is being abused by someone not living in my home and the person with which this child lives is angry that someone has called the state on them.  When asked what happened a week ago to cause a bruise about the size of a racketball on the child’s forehead, “I don’t know” was the answer.  This was after we were told the child must have gotten into makeup or something because there was no bruise.  Once bathed, the spot remained.  This person has since let me know that the child fell off the sofa and hit their head on the floor.  Well this was after the state has begun looking into it.  I would be understanding if this person had been honest with me in the first place but why, a week later, was a new story told.  I’m left wondering what the truth really is.

Then their is a situation with my ex-husband and his girlfriend of many years.  She has a son from a marriage before she met him and he is a tweener.  Unsure exactly what the truth is here, I have found out that the boy is blaming my ex for abusing him.  While I can sit back and say that due to karma he is getting what he deserves, I know this might be a little unfair.  I don’t know if he is fully capable of abusing him or not and I don’t want to pass judgment on him, especially since it isn’t mine to give. 

The other thought is how do I tell my children that their dad is being investigated for abuse.  The see him as perfection, even when he lets them down.  I don’t know where to turn here.  My oldest son was the one who let me know what was going on but how do you explain that to the rest of the kids, the youngest is only five.  It wouldn’t be so hard to bare if he hadn’t been yoyoing in their life for the last few months.  I don’t know what to do.  I figure for now I will not say anything and hope that their brother doesn’t say anything either.  Maybe not tell them until everything is settled. 

In both of these situations, I wonder why these things happen.  Both people have been great parents in the past.  I just don’t understand what in their lives have caused them to deviate from this path.  While I wait and see what goes on with both of these cases, I hope all works out well for the children involved.  I hope that these once wonderful people can get back on track and get the help they need to do that.  Something which wasn’t afforded me.  May the system work for them…

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Deception, Lies, and All the Other Things Good Families are For

July 11, 2008

For a very long time I have spent the better part of my life blaming everyone else for the things in my life that have gone all wrong.  I have realized, after some rather shallow thinking, that the things in my life that have gone wrong, while involving others, have been my own fault. 

I have been suffering from my delusions for so long that I have stopped taking the balme for the things which have brought about the pain in my life.  So here, for all the world to see, I have decided to own my feelings, pains, and angers.  I know there are plenty of people who will read this and say WTF and then there are some of you who will read this and say it’s about damn time.

The first thing I would like to address is the breakdown of my marriage.  I am willing to accept that I had some responsiblity for it all going south.  I wasn’t willing to let things go and I wasn’t very supportive.  I didn’t do my fair share of the work, anywhere, not just at home.  I do realize that I wasn’t working near hard enough to keep our relationship together and even though it takes two people for anything relationship wise, I will admit that you weren’t alone in the blame and shouldn’t be the only one to be punished for it.

As far as my current situation, with regards to my family, you are also not fully to blame.  I shouldn’t be living with you.  I should never have moved back in with you.  I should have learned from the last time I lived with you.  For this is my own fault.  I should have known that you would take everyone else’s side over mine, no matter who else is involved.  I needed to learn my position in the family, well I guess it is more of a lack of family position from the previous attempts to be a part of the family.  I should have received the hint when I wasn’t invited to important family functions, you know things such as first birthday parties and the like.  I understand that it is my own fault for trying to be included where I am not WANTED!!!  For this I am sorry.  I will no longer seek your approval, for I don’t deserve it.  Nor do I really need it.  I know you don’t like me nor my children for that matter.  What is sad is that I have been trying harder and harder to make you like us all and for what?  To have you tell me we aren’t good enough for you.  Well let me just tell you that it is the other way around.  You are not good enough for us.  Anyone that allows the things you allow to happen because of what ever reason you give yourself to help you sleep at night is nothing more than an enabler.  Yes that is right.  You enable the things that happen and by doing so only encourage the behavior.  Well I can tell you that once we are gone he will point his anger at you, for you will be the only one there, and for that I don’t feel sorry.  You have earned every ounce of the karma coming your way, and if I were you, I would get ready for it!!!

To the other member of the family I am staying with, you do deserve everything you get.  One day your female companion will realize exactly who you are, a lying, cheating, asshole.  When she does I hope it isn’t too late for her.  Your problems are not mine but have become mine because I have been too busy covering your ass, keeping you on the outside.  Well maybe what you need is to spend some real time on the inside.  Not in a half way house but in a real prison where bad things happen to people.  Again it would all be due to the karma you so steadily deserve.  I should have never lied for you and from this day forward, I’m not going to, no matter what the consequences are to me.  I will sleep better at night knowing that my children are safe from people like you and your so called friends.  I wish you luck with everything in your life and hope that all of the things I know about you won’t come back to haunt you.  You know what is amazing about this, I get beaten and abused and you get nothing.  How fair is that.  You use drugs and alcohol violating all of the terms of your probation and parole in the house you are “forced” to live in and I am the one who is kicked out.  You know you say that you are forced to live here, please explain this to me.  You are also supposed to be “forced” not to drink, leave after your curfew, go out to the bar, and possess a firearm but you still managed to do all of those things so maybe you could tell me how you are “forced” to do anything.  Well my friend you aren’t.  I think it is just a fear of actually having to care for yourself that has you saying you are “forced” to do anything!!!

The reason I have difficulty obtaining employment is also all my fault.  It is my own fear of being out there and meeting new people that have caused me all of the trouble I have had.  The reasons I lost my job are also all mine.  I stole from myself, what was it $1800.00, and then reported myself to the cops for them to tell me there was nothing they could do.  I bounced the checks to my workplace because I knew the money had been stolen from my account.  You are right this is my fault.  I never should have trusted you in my life.  I should have known that you and your friends were only going to rob me blind when my back was turned, usually doing something nice for you.  Did you enjoy those wonderful meals out, the ones I took you to.  Hell I didn’t just take you, I took your lying, stealing bitch and your kid too.  How could I have been so mean to you?

The sad thing about all of this is that the one person who really cared about me and understood me was the only reason I tolerated all of you.  None of you are really worth my negative energy and as I clean my subconscious clutter by writing this blog I realize that this negativity I have been carrying around has made me a miserable person.  I have been living on pins and needle around all of you, not letting the true me live because you all don’t like the real me.  As my family, you all talk about me around me, not one of you ever ask ME!!!  I got rid of all my friends for the same reason.  So why am I hanging on to all of you.  There really isn’t any good reason for me to.  Maybe it is my loyalty to my family, maybe it is because that is what good people are supposed to do.  Either way, I don’t know.  All I do know is that this whole thing is killing me.

I know that everything written here may be taken by some as an admission of guilt.  Actually it isn’t an admission so much as a clearing of the lenses that make up the glasses of my life.  I choose not to be defined by all of the hate, or by the company I keep.  See there is something no one counts on.  It is the soul fact that a person can not change their family, and mine is about as mean as you can get.  I know that not all of you are guilty on every level.  I know that some members of my family have tried, but because of the situations and repeated denials and accusations and threats and whatever else, now choose to turn a blind eye because it happens outside of your box so to speak.  Well the sad thing is it happens in my box all the time and it is for this reason that I need to break free of the confines that bind me to all of you.  It isn’t because I don’t care, it is because I care too much for all of you.  I worry that you will end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life.  I don’t want that for any of you. 

I spent the better part of my life with no one listening to me.  All that I asked was to be heard.  All you wanted to do was silence me, stifling me until my inner flame was extinguished.  I can’t allow you all to do this to me anymore.  I want to fly free of you all, free of the ties that bind me to you, to all the negativity that surrounds you.  I wish you all the best of luck in your lives, and don’t worry about me I will be fine.