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Deception, Lies, and All the Other Things Good Families are For

July 11, 2008

For a very long time I have spent the better part of my life blaming everyone else for the things in my life that have gone all wrong.  I have realized, after some rather shallow thinking, that the things in my life that have gone wrong, while involving others, have been my own fault. 

I have been suffering from my delusions for so long that I have stopped taking the balme for the things which have brought about the pain in my life.  So here, for all the world to see, I have decided to own my feelings, pains, and angers.  I know there are plenty of people who will read this and say WTF and then there are some of you who will read this and say it’s about damn time.

The first thing I would like to address is the breakdown of my marriage.  I am willing to accept that I had some responsiblity for it all going south.  I wasn’t willing to let things go and I wasn’t very supportive.  I didn’t do my fair share of the work, anywhere, not just at home.  I do realize that I wasn’t working near hard enough to keep our relationship together and even though it takes two people for anything relationship wise, I will admit that you weren’t alone in the blame and shouldn’t be the only one to be punished for it.

As far as my current situation, with regards to my family, you are also not fully to blame.  I shouldn’t be living with you.  I should never have moved back in with you.  I should have learned from the last time I lived with you.  For this is my own fault.  I should have known that you would take everyone else’s side over mine, no matter who else is involved.  I needed to learn my position in the family, well I guess it is more of a lack of family position from the previous attempts to be a part of the family.  I should have received the hint when I wasn’t invited to important family functions, you know things such as first birthday parties and the like.  I understand that it is my own fault for trying to be included where I am not WANTED!!!  For this I am sorry.  I will no longer seek your approval, for I don’t deserve it.  Nor do I really need it.  I know you don’t like me nor my children for that matter.  What is sad is that I have been trying harder and harder to make you like us all and for what?  To have you tell me we aren’t good enough for you.  Well let me just tell you that it is the other way around.  You are not good enough for us.  Anyone that allows the things you allow to happen because of what ever reason you give yourself to help you sleep at night is nothing more than an enabler.  Yes that is right.  You enable the things that happen and by doing so only encourage the behavior.  Well I can tell you that once we are gone he will point his anger at you, for you will be the only one there, and for that I don’t feel sorry.  You have earned every ounce of the karma coming your way, and if I were you, I would get ready for it!!!

To the other member of the family I am staying with, you do deserve everything you get.  One day your female companion will realize exactly who you are, a lying, cheating, asshole.  When she does I hope it isn’t too late for her.  Your problems are not mine but have become mine because I have been too busy covering your ass, keeping you on the outside.  Well maybe what you need is to spend some real time on the inside.  Not in a half way house but in a real prison where bad things happen to people.  Again it would all be due to the karma you so steadily deserve.  I should have never lied for you and from this day forward, I’m not going to, no matter what the consequences are to me.  I will sleep better at night knowing that my children are safe from people like you and your so called friends.  I wish you luck with everything in your life and hope that all of the things I know about you won’t come back to haunt you.  You know what is amazing about this, I get beaten and abused and you get nothing.  How fair is that.  You use drugs and alcohol violating all of the terms of your probation and parole in the house you are “forced” to live in and I am the one who is kicked out.  You know you say that you are forced to live here, please explain this to me.  You are also supposed to be “forced” not to drink, leave after your curfew, go out to the bar, and possess a firearm but you still managed to do all of those things so maybe you could tell me how you are “forced” to do anything.  Well my friend you aren’t.  I think it is just a fear of actually having to care for yourself that has you saying you are “forced” to do anything!!!

The reason I have difficulty obtaining employment is also all my fault.  It is my own fear of being out there and meeting new people that have caused me all of the trouble I have had.  The reasons I lost my job are also all mine.  I stole from myself, what was it $1800.00, and then reported myself to the cops for them to tell me there was nothing they could do.  I bounced the checks to my workplace because I knew the money had been stolen from my account.  You are right this is my fault.  I never should have trusted you in my life.  I should have known that you and your friends were only going to rob me blind when my back was turned, usually doing something nice for you.  Did you enjoy those wonderful meals out, the ones I took you to.  Hell I didn’t just take you, I took your lying, stealing bitch and your kid too.  How could I have been so mean to you?

The sad thing about all of this is that the one person who really cared about me and understood me was the only reason I tolerated all of you.  None of you are really worth my negative energy and as I clean my subconscious clutter by writing this blog I realize that this negativity I have been carrying around has made me a miserable person.  I have been living on pins and needle around all of you, not letting the true me live because you all don’t like the real me.  As my family, you all talk about me around me, not one of you ever ask ME!!!  I got rid of all my friends for the same reason.  So why am I hanging on to all of you.  There really isn’t any good reason for me to.  Maybe it is my loyalty to my family, maybe it is because that is what good people are supposed to do.  Either way, I don’t know.  All I do know is that this whole thing is killing me.

I know that everything written here may be taken by some as an admission of guilt.  Actually it isn’t an admission so much as a clearing of the lenses that make up the glasses of my life.  I choose not to be defined by all of the hate, or by the company I keep.  See there is something no one counts on.  It is the soul fact that a person can not change their family, and mine is about as mean as you can get.  I know that not all of you are guilty on every level.  I know that some members of my family have tried, but because of the situations and repeated denials and accusations and threats and whatever else, now choose to turn a blind eye because it happens outside of your box so to speak.  Well the sad thing is it happens in my box all the time and it is for this reason that I need to break free of the confines that bind me to all of you.  It isn’t because I don’t care, it is because I care too much for all of you.  I worry that you will end up doing something you will regret for the rest of your life.  I don’t want that for any of you. 

I spent the better part of my life with no one listening to me.  All that I asked was to be heard.  All you wanted to do was silence me, stifling me until my inner flame was extinguished.  I can’t allow you all to do this to me anymore.  I want to fly free of you all, free of the ties that bind me to you, to all the negativity that surrounds you.  I wish you all the best of luck in your lives, and don’t worry about me I will be fine.

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Missing Out on Life

June 27, 2008

Four years ago, my father died.  I know I should at some point in time be over it but I still take things really hard at times.  I have been having a pretty rough month and have been taking it out on everyone around me.  I feel bad about this, wishing I could change it but as my birthday is less than a week away and my 15 yr class reunion was held last weekend, I feel I am reminiscing more often this year than I have in the past.  Maybe it is because this year I am doing it sober, surrounded by family who haven’t mentioned him at all last month unless I mention him first.  Of course we all handle things differently and my brother’s drinking has started to get out of control.  Is it normal for a person to drink at least a twelve pack a night?

One of my closest friends has started to make a video scrapbook for her mom taking pictures from when she was a kid and including some pretty important things, like the births of children, the changes in family, and the marriages.  As I watched this video for her I saw her sister’s wedding.  This made me think that my own father wasn’t at my first wedding because I knew he would have stopped it and now I will never get the chance to have my father walk me down the aisle.  Ever.  No matter who I marry, he won’t be there.

After I realized this I started crying about all of the things my dad is going to miss out on by not being here.  I know it isn’t his choice he isn’t here and I know (in case there is anyone who would like to point it out) he will always be with me (in spirit).  The thing is he won’t be with me in person.  I won’t ever have his advice, his funny joke, or his loud chuckle.  My kids will never get to know the greatest person I have ever had in my life, the one who had the greatest influence on making me who I am today.

I know hide site is 20/20 and now I can see the things in my life I wasn’t proud of, all the things I did wrong.  I regret marrying the man I did, but I don’t regret the children we had together.  I regret letting him hurt my children over and over again, but know that I will never give up hope that he will want to be the dad my dad was. 

I sit here watching movies full of parents who are divorced where both parents want to be in their kids lives so badly that they fight for them, tooth and nail, until forever.  Why don’t they ever make a movie that shows my life, the one where one fights for everything and the other walks off, never to have anything to do with them again.  Well at least we still have the T.V. shows were they try to establish who the baby daddy is. 

I know this may seem strange but we watched the Santa Clause.  I really wished my kids had parents like his.  Ones who fight so hard for him that they don’t stop until they win and even the step dad loves the kid so much he only wants what is best for him.  I wish my kids had one of those dads or even a step dad like that.  Then I get to thinking about the fact that my kids have lots of people who love them.  Why do they need a dad?  Would my life had been any different without one?  Yes it would have and it does now.

 

 

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All the Guys Who Know How to Treat a Woman, This Isn’t for You!!!

June 9, 2008

Why does life have to be so cruel?  I promised to stop dwelling on how horrible my life is, relationship wise, but after last night I can’t help it.  Men can be scum.  Why is it they feel a woman must be toned, tight, curvy, whatever, in order to fall in love with them.  I thought love is supposed to be blind.  I guess someone forgot to tell some people that.

Why is it that men assume things about women and never stop to think?  There are more parts to women than the flesh they reside in.  Is it not enough to be intellectually stimulating, devastatingly witty, downright charming?  This is the part I find funny.  The one thing that attracts guys to women is the only damn thing that will change.  Eventually all women will gain weight, have wrinkles, drooping boobs, and will go grey.  That is what is interesting.  Their minds are still intact, unchanged.

Realizing this kind of makes me laugh.  It doesn’t help with the pain of knowing that a guy will never look at me the way he looks at a perfect 10 but do I really want a relationship based on how I look.  This should be a bonus to the relationship, not the basis for it. 

Some guys need to get off themselves.  I wonder if these guys realize that they will go bald, get love handles, go grey, and get wrinkles.  They themselves won’t be perfect 10’s their whole life.  You know what I find most interesting, people who view others based on looks don’t realize that with surgery or weight loss or whatever, I can change how I look.  Can you do the same with your own inadequacy?  As far as this goes, without surgery, none of us will look fabulous forever.  We all will wither away and die, just like everyone else.

I don’t know why this has gotten under my skin so much.  Maybe it’s because trying to teach a shallow person something isn’t as easy as intellectually stimulating as I thought it would be.  This person, in particular, is proud of the fact that e swims in the shallow end.  What is so sad for him is he really isn’t good looking and uses his former (not current) occupation as a way to pick up chicks (he doesn’t like to name drop but if he can use it to get into your pants and get him where he wants to go, he has no problem with it at all).

The other thing I have noticed about men like these is that they tend to believe they are the best lovers with the biggest penises.  Boy, are they WRONG!!!  Worse is they believe they know what to do with what they’ve got.  Sad to say but most of these men don’t know what they are doing, and worse yet, their only concern within the sexual department is that they themselves are satisfied.  Didn’t they forget something – like their partner?  They could just as easily get themselves done and leave the woman out all together.

This is something men should pay attention to.  Women are looking for a guy who has a gift for knowing exactly what she wants and not stopping until she is satisfied, before even considering himself.  He learns how she responds to his touch, how she likes to be handled.  He doesn’t assume she will just lay there, legs in the air, watching the clock, knowing it won’t be more than a few minutes before he rolls over and falls asleep, leaving her frustrated, needing to finish the thing he started on her own.  All this and knowing she will have to stroke his ego and tell him how big he is, how good he is, lying the entire time, letting him think he is the best she has ever had.

To all you men out there, take heed.  Women are going to start looking for exactly what they want in a man.  Women stand up and tell them how you feel.  Don’t let this situation continue on to affect our daughters and sons.  Teach them respect, love, too look beyond a nice butt or a huge rack.  We are more than our parts.  We aren’t Barbie and shouldn’t ever be expected to be.

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Protected: Sorry for the Need

May 28, 2008

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Super Nova

May 24, 2008

 

Sometimes I wonder whether my parents really should have had me.  It is days like today that make me wish they hadn’t.  Why is it that I don’t have the guts to do myself in like every other person who has.  What do they have in them that I don’t have in me?  Determination, maybe a sense of will, I don’t know but there is something they have that I don’t. 

 All day long I struggle through life and wonder what for.  What is the reason I am here on this planet?  What can I possibly contribute to this world that requires me to be here, living, day in and day out?  All I have done thus far in my life is to increase the population and anger people I don’t even care for.  Hell, I’ve even upset those I really cared for.  Some of them now no longer speak to me and have completely written me out of their lives and who am I to blame them.  They did what they should have before they ever thought about becoming by friend. 

Out of concern for my children, I stay here on this planet and wonder when I will be able to move on.  I realized that I am like a super nova.  Those close to me will not make it.       

 

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Unconditional Love

May 24, 2008

Unconditional love… Something parents are supposed to have yet I wonder how many of them really do.  Could you look your child in the eye and tell them they aren’t worth it?  It is a tough thing to think about but it is true.  Where do you draw the line at when it comes to unconditional love? 

 

To love unconditionally is never easy and no matter how old you get it still doesn’t get any easier.  Is there really such a thing as unconditional love or does all love comes with a price?  If it comes with a price, how much is it worth on the market these days?

 

I used to think love was unconditional until I started dating.  I believed that no matter what I ever did my parents would always love me.  There was never a doubt in my mind that my parents loved me.  Even though they never said it I always knew.  Or at least I thought I did. 

 

Since I started dating I have realized that unconditional love comes with such a steep price.  No man truly loves you just the way you are.  There is always something about you they wish they could change but they have settled for you “as is”.  They take in all of your imperfections and try to ignore them for as long as possible. 

 

I think this is what leads to divorce.  People settling for the things they think they can live with.  Why can’t people just realize there is someone out there who is meant for them and them alone?  Instead they marry the first thing which meets most of the things they like and figure they will have to live with the rest. 

 

My first marriage was this way.  I figured I couldn’t do any better then him and seeing as how he had already planted his seed, I figured I have to do this for the child, then children.  Was it the right thing to do?  Who was it right for?  Was it right for the kids, myself, him? 

 

To this day I still don’t know. What I do know is it wasn’t right but I was afraid of being left alone in this world.  What kind of person has to face the big bad scary world alone?  The kind who has no one else, that’s who.  I must be a person like that.  Well actually, most of us have to face it alone, we just have people who help us along our way.      

 

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Sometimes Being Older is Helpful

May 24, 2008

There are some old things I have written in the past year and never felt the need to post them.  I feel that, right now I’m at a point where I am re-examining my past and seeing what is and isn’t working for me and doing away with those things which aren’t helpful to me.  I guess you could say that I’m cleaning out my closet.  I hope all those who read this enjoy them as they are meant to be.

No one can see the shame in me

On the bark of this aged, old tree

 

Fearing to name this harmfulness

Burying deep within my abyss

 

Darkness hides things well my dear

For none have found in twice the years

 

Now upon my voice you carry

Hear thee well make all us merry

Spring brings for the chance for rebirth

But also the final nail in the coffin

Those things which have died up until now

Must stay buried forever starts now

 

 

Fears are defenses against success

Embracing your fears lead to success

Fears are successes waiting to happen

 

 

Failure is other people’s way of saying you just aren’t ready yet.