Archive for the ‘updates’ Category

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A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.

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Updates

March 14, 2008

I know it has been awhile since I’ve written and I do apologize.  I don’t know how many people read my blogs for their content or if everyone out there is looking at my blogs for some of the past pictures.  For those of you who are actually reading my blogs, thank you.  My goal is not to disappoint.

Well here it is, spring break time again.  My children and I are on spring break at the same time this year, which by itself isn’t always a bad thing. With the way things have been going between us lately, sometimes I wonder why our breaks can’t come at different times.

My eldest son has been getting under my skin lately.  He has turned my mom and I against each other, undermined my authority on more than one occasion, and taken on the role of my dad.  In regard to the first thing, she and I never really have gotten along, so the whole thing isn’t really a big shock.  The second one is a little harder to deal with.  He is making it harder for me to be the adult who is in control.  The one with a handle on the situation.

Any more I know he needs help but I am unsure where to turn.  I know that before long he will outgrow me in both size and strength.  Once this happens I won’t be able to stop him if he gets out of control.  Right now he tends to get angry and physical only when it is good for him to.  What I mean by this is that he only hits things and he knows that when my mom is around he can act like I’m trying to kill him so she jumps in.  He finds this whole thing humorous.  I however am not that big a fan.

With this week of spring break I was hopeful that things would get better but I am not holding my breath.  So far it has only been about a day and a half and he is already trying my patience.  Only the future will tell what he will be like.  I’m hoping for a complete turn around.

As far as the rest of the kids, they are all on their best behavior with only minor things to annoy me.  Nothing out of the ordinary with them.  There is the pretending not to hear me game they have in full swing.  They are making additions to their book, How to Drive Your Mother Crazy in Only One Short Day.  I’m sure it will be a best seller.  The younger two are working on their memoirs, When Your Older Brother Turns into the Hulk.  Also bound to be a best seller.  Keep an eye out for them in your local bookstore.

I guess I should also give another update.  The first visit for the older kids didn’t really lead to any problems so this weekend the younger two get there chance with their dad.  Nathan is scared but Joey is gung-ho about it.  He can’t wait.  I’m not sure exactly why these boys are acting this way.  Maybe it is in their nature to be different.  I could understand if Joey was terrified since he has no idea who this guy is or what to expect.  Maybe Nathan should feel the same way since he really hasn’t had any communications with him since he was 2.  We have reassured him though that if he feels uncomfortable at any moment all he has to do is call.  If we can’t convenience him to stay that we will come and get him.  I figure that he will get there and be able to play video games and he will feel right at home.  I’m kinda hoping for a quiet night.

Well my little brother has discovered a new passion.  He is in love with Myspace.  He said he never wanted one but now that is all he wants to do.  He drives me nuts.  Right now he wants me to get done on here so he can send a message to his friends.  Damn the myspace.  Well not my space but his!!!  Anywho… check back later for further updates on what happens this weekend with the younger children and their first visit with their father and whether I make it through the week of spring break (sober).