Archive for the ‘rants’ Category

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A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.

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All the Guys Who Know How to Treat a Woman, This Isn’t for You!!!

June 9, 2008

Why does life have to be so cruel?  I promised to stop dwelling on how horrible my life is, relationship wise, but after last night I can’t help it.  Men can be scum.  Why is it they feel a woman must be toned, tight, curvy, whatever, in order to fall in love with them.  I thought love is supposed to be blind.  I guess someone forgot to tell some people that.

Why is it that men assume things about women and never stop to think?  There are more parts to women than the flesh they reside in.  Is it not enough to be intellectually stimulating, devastatingly witty, downright charming?  This is the part I find funny.  The one thing that attracts guys to women is the only damn thing that will change.  Eventually all women will gain weight, have wrinkles, drooping boobs, and will go grey.  That is what is interesting.  Their minds are still intact, unchanged.

Realizing this kind of makes me laugh.  It doesn’t help with the pain of knowing that a guy will never look at me the way he looks at a perfect 10 but do I really want a relationship based on how I look.  This should be a bonus to the relationship, not the basis for it. 

Some guys need to get off themselves.  I wonder if these guys realize that they will go bald, get love handles, go grey, and get wrinkles.  They themselves won’t be perfect 10’s their whole life.  You know what I find most interesting, people who view others based on looks don’t realize that with surgery or weight loss or whatever, I can change how I look.  Can you do the same with your own inadequacy?  As far as this goes, without surgery, none of us will look fabulous forever.  We all will wither away and die, just like everyone else.

I don’t know why this has gotten under my skin so much.  Maybe it’s because trying to teach a shallow person something isn’t as easy as intellectually stimulating as I thought it would be.  This person, in particular, is proud of the fact that e swims in the shallow end.  What is so sad for him is he really isn’t good looking and uses his former (not current) occupation as a way to pick up chicks (he doesn’t like to name drop but if he can use it to get into your pants and get him where he wants to go, he has no problem with it at all).

The other thing I have noticed about men like these is that they tend to believe they are the best lovers with the biggest penises.  Boy, are they WRONG!!!  Worse is they believe they know what to do with what they’ve got.  Sad to say but most of these men don’t know what they are doing, and worse yet, their only concern within the sexual department is that they themselves are satisfied.  Didn’t they forget something – like their partner?  They could just as easily get themselves done and leave the woman out all together.

This is something men should pay attention to.  Women are looking for a guy who has a gift for knowing exactly what she wants and not stopping until she is satisfied, before even considering himself.  He learns how she responds to his touch, how she likes to be handled.  He doesn’t assume she will just lay there, legs in the air, watching the clock, knowing it won’t be more than a few minutes before he rolls over and falls asleep, leaving her frustrated, needing to finish the thing he started on her own.  All this and knowing she will have to stroke his ego and tell him how big he is, how good he is, lying the entire time, letting him think he is the best she has ever had.

To all you men out there, take heed.  Women are going to start looking for exactly what they want in a man.  Women stand up and tell them how you feel.  Don’t let this situation continue on to affect our daughters and sons.  Teach them respect, love, too look beyond a nice butt or a huge rack.  We are more than our parts.  We aren’t Barbie and shouldn’t ever be expected to be.