Hell Has Frozen Over

March 2, 2008

I write this post sitting in almost darkness.  The only sounds are my roommate snoring, the television(not watching but my brother is), and the occasional creaking from the rocking chair my brother claims is his, but really it is only his so he doesn’t have to sit on the floor.

The reason for the silence has to do with hell freezing over.  My ex-husband has decided to begin taking the kids, granted only two at a time, but he has agreed to take them and this is where they are right now.  Well the older two anyway.  They left earlier this evening and everyone seemed excited.  He has promised to take the younger two next weekend.  I’m not holding my breath but I hope this means that times are changing and he really plans to keep this whole thing up.

I’m scared that when he takes the younger two there may be some problems.  My youngest son hasn’t been or seen his father in many years aside from the time he spent with his father at his grandfather’s funeral.  He doesn’t even really know who his dad is.  This might be my own fault but his father should take some of the blame. 

When we were going through our divorce he saw his son for the first time in a long time.  His sister(my ex’s) told my son that this was his dad and my ex, knowing I was seeing someone special to me told him that the man I was dating at the time was his dad.  Now my son has no idea who his dad really is.

Tonight my younger sons spent a little time with him as he was waiting for the older ones to gather all the stuff they are taking with them.  Now my youngest knows a little about the man he thinks is his father.  He is excited about going to spend time with this complete stranger to him.  A little part of me is sad but there is a bigger part of me that is happy.  I just hope his father doesn’t screw it up.  I’m hoping he really plans on being there for his kids, watching them grow up, becoming the young adults they are meant to be.  If he plans on running off on them again I would rather he never have come around.

This whole change I am certain has come at a time when I think my kids could really use their dad.  They have been having a hard time with everything we have been through in the past year.  It didn’t help that their father’s girlfriend didn’t want them around.  This is the reason for his absence in their lives.  What I never understood about her was how she could want to put someone else’s kids through this sort of thing.  I had known her since before she dated my ex-husband.  She was fine and we were even friendly.  Granted we weren’t friends but we would talk.  Now she can’t stand me and my kids are a huge pain in her rear. 

I have seen her personally get into a fist fight with her ex-husband because he wouldn’t take his son on a night when he wasn’t suppose to have him.  So when she asked this way about my kids I was stunned.  I would figure she would want him to be a parent to his kids like she wished her exes had been.  This so far hasn’t been the case until this past week.  I’m hoping she will change and can be the type of step-mom my kids need. 

With all of this new found freedom it has given me a chance to sit and think about my love life, yet again.  I got to thinking that the kids are going to see their dad at his girlfriend’s place.  The girlfriend he has had for the past couple of years.  The one I think he plans on marrying.  Here I sit, writing this blog on a Saturday night.  No going out for me.  No one to go out with.  What is it about me that makes me so unlovable?  I know he isn’t attractive and that women aren’t banging down his door and haven’t been since he left me.  He has, however had a few girlfriends which were more than a date or two.  I have been on A date since he left.  No one has even taken the time to get to know me.  Am I really that horrible?

A friend of mine tries to make me see the bright side by telling me that there are always those girls who have low self-esteem and will date people who aren’t as attractive because they don’t think they are worth it.  I guess what I want to know is, my self-esteem is low, where is that guy for me?  Has he gotten lost on his search for the perfect lesser individual?  Or am I just that unlovable?

Until I figure out everything that holds me to the past and this way of thinking, I have decided that men shouldn’t be a part of my life.  No, that doesn’t mean I’m switch hitting.  That means that I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man.  At this point in time, any man.  No male friends, no lovers, no one.  I plan to keep all my female friends close and spend some time searching for myself, validating my existence, until I am no longer afraid of what is out there, afraid of getting hurt.  Until I can love myself for who I am and stop looking to others to define me.  Stop searching for that one guy who will fulfill me, making me whole.

I know that no person can do that for me yet I still sit here thinking if only I could find HIM this would all be over.  My life would be perfect and I would live the fairy tale life.  You know the one with a happy ending.  Right now I need to find my own happy ending.  This will come from within.  I know I’ll find it there. 

Only time will tell where I fit into this whole thing.  I will update you all on the developments from this weekend and let you know if next weekend happens. 




  1. ok if you want a man to be with you then why would you purposefully try to get rid of the one that is in love with you????????????????????????????? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were mean and hateful and slightly abusive. What exactly are you looking for? Another stupid hick fuck that doesnt know how to speak correctly let alone shower???????

  2. To bitch ~ You are right. I am terrible to push away someone who loves me dearly, yet if I am all the things you say I am then he shouldn’t be with me. I should want him to be with someone who isn’t mean, hateful, or abusive, like me. So where did I go wrong???

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