Life Changes Those Around You Too

January 31, 2008

In one of my previous posts I commented that I was looking forward to spending some time with my kids.  I know this is what I said but I now remember why I quit spending time with my kids.  They drive me nuts.  They constantly fight with each other, they are rude, and they are never quiet.  Well this last part isn’t really true.  They are quiet right now but that is because they are sleeping. 

I really do miss spending time with them but I realize that as a single mom my time spent with them is so very short.  I need to spend the time I do have with them in a way they can appreciate.  The only problem is they all are so different from each other there isn’t anything they all agree on except to disagree.  How can you plan activities with four different kids so that none of them are excluded?  When I figure this out I will let you know.

With this out of the way, I am trying to get this post finished.  I started it last night and was distracted by my homework so I figured with my homework out of the way I would finish this post.

In my life, every day is starting to be just like the one before.  I don’t know if it is from lack of trying or if it is from boredom or what it is from but I am beginning to hate my so called life.  I know that was a TV show back in the 80’s when big hair was popular but since the 80’s are coming back maybe so will the show.

I don’t remember exactly when it all started, this boredom with the things around me and not the TV show.  I have been sitting here trying to remember.  I used to venture outside of my comfort and security into public places and talk with people who were not really strangers.  Why did this stop?

I never really did any of those things for most of my life.  I was always staying home and studying, avoiding going out because I was afraid someone might talk to me.  Even after I met my husband I still never went out, he wouldn’t allow me to, this would of course conflict with his desire to find a new girlfriend/wife, though I didn’t know it at the time.  Even after he left me I still sat at home and only went out to work and the store.  I never went out with my friends because I was afraid.  Of what I still don’t know.

Then I began going out and I started acting like a complete lunatic.  I was going out almost every night of the week, drinking way more than I should have been, and driving myself home afterwards.  I know now that those things were very bad but at the time I didn’t care. 

I was mad at my “husband” for the way he treated me and I realized he was out there having a good time while I was stuck home with his kids.  Where was my night out?  Where was my fun?

I finally decided that my father wouldn’t want me to sit around feeling sorry for myself, he’d want me out there enjoying life.  A friend of mine told my “husband” he was taking the kids so I could go out and there was going to be no way around it.  He was scared of her so he took the kids and I went out.

My life changed in that very moment.  I began acting like someone who has just turned 21 and because lusty with the drinks.  I played pool all night and there were even times when I did things I shouldn’t have (I will not discuss it in great detail to preserve the bond of trust that was placed between those I am talking about and myself).  Then as time went by I slowed down and eventually I stopped going out all together.

Why this happened is really a mystery.  I know I feared retaliation by those I had harmed in no way that was my fault.  Why really isn’t important here.  What is really important is I would like to get some of that back.  I would like to start going out again and meeting other adults outside of a classroom.

I will keep you updated on how this whole thing goes.  With any luck, maybe I can get a night out every once in awhile.  Even prisoners get time off for good behavior.    



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