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Just Another Day…In Hell

January 27, 2008

Sometimes I think I am a permanent resident of hell.  Yesterday, my kids, and I say kids because I have yet to figure out who really did it, broke my computer.  One of them stepped on it and broke the screen and maybe even damages something more on the not so cheap side.

Today I went out a bought a new one.  I know that it isn’t top of the line but it is what I need for school.  Well I am now back up and running again.  I have even learned that one of my neighbors must have a wireless router.  I only know this because I am online without actually being connected through my dial-up connection. 

Hopefully everything will get back to normal here within the week.  I am looking to move out of my mom’s house here by the beginning of the month.  Then I will be busy spending some time with my kids.  I don’t think I spend near enough time with them.  I know my priorities have been screwed up in the past but I now realize where I should be and what I should be doing with my life.  For the past couple of years I have been putting my own needs ahead of theirs.  This all changed recently. 

I realized that my search for the perfect soul mate has failed.  Well maybe failed is the wrong word.  I know that right now I am not ready to have someone in my life in such a capacity.  They wouldn’t last two minutes in my life.  Just a little fun fact I have learned by being in the situation I’m in.  There are many things I learned just watching people.

Tonight I went with my brother to rent movies for him to watch.  I spied the people in the gallery gathering movies, the moms with their many children all agreeing to disagree about the movie they want to rent.  Then there are the couples there to rent a movie for the evening.  You could just about bet that they left with a chick flick the guy only agreed to this so he could have a chance to get the girl into bed with him.  I know this is cynical of me to think this way but it is probably very true.  Every guy I have know is like this. 

Why is it that guys tend to treat girls as if the only thing they are good for is getting another notch in their belt.  I’m sorry but I hate being the notch.  I married a guy who thought like this and I can tell you it is no fun.  He was out searching for the next best thing to come along all the while letting me believe I was the only one he cared for.  He cried when I asked him to leave, pretending to care because he had no where to go.  Once he had an escape route he fled faster than deer being hunted. 

This isn’t the only time I have ever been treated this way.  It probably won’t be the last either.  I always seem to attract the bad boys, the losers, those who need a girl with low self-esteem.  Standing out there with my heart on my sleeve, every guy who happens past shreds it with talon-like claws, pecking at the torn flesh.  Some day I hope to not be so careless.

Until then it will just be me and my children.  I will make do, living my life one day at a time.

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