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My Fault

November 21, 2007

Why is it everyone in my family, including my future ex-in-laws, treat me like everything which is going on is all my fault?  My sister-in-law blames me saying I could have just gotten a job working somewhere to pay my bills.  Did I mention this is the reason she refuses to help me?  What she doesn’t understand is I applied at jobs like that and haven’t even been offered an interview.  But I guess this is my fault.  Maybe it is.  What if it is something about me keeping me from getting a job?   

My mother, whom I’m staying with for a few days, comes out angry because she is afraid I won’t get her dinner on the table in time for her to eat before she leaves for the evening.  She yells at me, calls me names and tells me how bad I am because I apparently don’t put the appropriate things first in life.  I don’t know what she thinks I am putting first but damn.  Because of this I failed a test in my online Psychology class.  This is what I was doing instead of fixing her dinner. Talk about having my priorities screwed up.  What was I thinking? 

This got me thinking.  Maybe I need to quit this stupid dream of getting an education so I can work the rest of my life at a low level job just so everyone else in my life will feel better about themselves. 

Really what do I need an education for, I already have a degree.  Well what they don’t realize is that thanks to some very poor choices on my part (yes for those of you who know me and know what these things are, I’ve decided to take the blame for them, I mean really who can I blame for these problems but myself) I can’t use it for at least the next 5+ years. By then I will have to go back to school all over again because everything I learned then will be outdated.

My degree isn’t in a field like accounting where what you learned last year will still be the same next year.  OK I know I’m oversimplifying this for some people but you get my point.  My degree is in the medical field.  Things change every day, hell every second.  The things I learned a decade ago probably won’t be valid in 5 years.  This is what no one understands.

Yes, I am many things and I will take the blame for them.  Today my future ex-husband called attention to the fact that I used to sleep when the children were awake.  One of the reasons he left me.  My mother, also today, called me a lazy, fat bitch who doesn’t have her priorities in the right order, just because I was taking a test as opposed to taking a glass to the kitchen and making her dinner, which by the way I promised to do ten minutes later when I was done with my test. 

I will say that I am fat hell, I weight as much as three of my kids combined.  I might be a touch lazy, I don’t have a job and spend all of my time doing nothing but complaining about how other people treat me because of it.  I even know I’m a bitch.  There is no arguing this point, it is something I inherited from my mother. 

There are some things I am not and that is one of the things I can be thankful for.  I am not rude, when I know I’m wrong I will apologize for it.  Yes I have done that in the last 24 hours when I blew up at my mom.  This is one thing she has never done.  She has never truly said she was sorry for anything she has ever done to me. 

All my life I have lived like a second class citizen in my family.  The only thing I was ever good at was being their slave.  When I was left here after school with my brother, if he didn’t want to do something, he didn’t do it.  I got yelled at for it.  Then I had to do his work on top of my own. 

I never thought about it but what if the fact that I am a fat, lazy bitch is the reason I have had trouble in my relationships, ones with significant people anyway.  What if my lack of acting is what drove them all away?  I can only assume I have always been like this.  So my lack of doing anything could have been the reason.  I know it was for at least the last two relationships I have been in.  My ex-husband left me because I was lazy.  My last boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t work on my personal situations. 

Damn I hate when people are right about me.  This has lead to my current state and everything happening now is my fault.  If I lose everything it is my fault.  I thought I was doing everything I needed to do to help keep my family together but I was wrong.  All I have been doing is making things worse. 

As far as school goes, maybe they are right, I should just give up on my dream.  I can’t afford this dream right now anyway.  All I can amount to is no better than what I am now.  A loser with a martyr complex.  I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or have any sympathy.  What I want is to get up off my ass, stop feeling sorry for myself and get those things which will help to support my family.  I know I will never be free of state assistance doing this but maybe this is what I am destined to be.  

I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be any better than my mother.  I have begun to realize I am just like my mother.  She never went to college and has for the last 10 years worked at jobs which are made for college students.  She has been alone since my father died 3 years ago, waiting for the man she “loves” to divorce his wife and marry her.  She is living in a dream world.  He is never going to leave his wife and she can’t see this. 

Anyway this is what I will become.  I am a single mom with four children, homeless, and wishing for a guy to ride up on a white horse and save me from all this.  What I need to do is save myself.  I have a lot of climbing to do but I know I can do this. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  You never know, maybe tomorrow it will all turn around.  I will find exactly what I’m looking for in every aspect of my life.  And you never know, maybe if I do this I will find that man with the white horse to join me on my quest.

   

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