Going Home

November 10, 2007

Have you ever felt like you wanted to scream but knew that the people driving you crazy wanted to hear you loose your composer?  This is the world I live in.  My mother is excited to hear my brother will be coming home from prison.  Yea home.  The child who went nuts in her house, used drugs, and dealt the same from her basement gets to move back in.  I may have to live on the street with my kids and he gets to sleep at home.

How unfair can things be?  The reason I am not allowed back in is because I made a mess.  How about the mess he made?  I don’t think my mom realizes exactly what could have happened to her house had the police wanted to be mean.  She had drugs in her house and here in this state you can lose your possessions for that crime.  I don’t think she realizes it.

I remember the times when I found drugs in her house.  The first time I found them I gave them to my other brother and he gave them to my mom.  She gave them back to him without so much as an argument.  I was pissed.  Then there was the torch used to heat the spoon and the used syringe for his meth addiction.  She didn’t yell at him then either.  I leave my socks on the floor and it is world war three.  

Well I hope they have a fun time in the future.  I know they don’t have for me the things I need so I just need to move on.  This is true throughout my life.  I have things which aren’t working for me in my personal relationships.  For my love life I need to move on.  Staying stagnate isn’t helping.  How though should I do it?  Where should I move?

Sometimes I talk about my life and how everyone is all up in it.  I keep trying to run away by wanting to move somewhere else just to get away.  Moving isn’t what I need to do, running away is never an option.  I need to stand and fight for my life.  I realized that no matter what I do I can’t change the things that have happened to me.  I was so afraid of what people would think.  Why the hell do I care so much what people think?  At the end of the day the only people I answer to are me, myself and my kids.  They are all that is important to me. 

I have decided I need to not worry if I’m wrong I’m wrong and I will learn something from it.  Humility, being humble.  This is what I need to learn.  I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before.  I am a smart woman, well at least I think I am.  I just must be life dumb.

I sit here thinking about how the world is going to screw me today and oh whoa is me and poor me.  I realized this isn’t getting me a job, friends, or companionship.  I need to get out there and make something for and of myself.  Something I am proud of.  Well for right now something I am ok with.  Today is the beginning of the rest of my life, the good part.      


One comment

  1. Sounds like a good attitude to have, best of luck to you.

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