Part of a Family

November 4, 2007

I realized today that I am no longer part of a family.  My nephew had his first birthday party today and I wasn’t invited.  It gets worse.  My older two children, who have been staying at my mother’s house all week only got to go because I hadn’t picked them up and not because they were invited. 

My mother wanted my kids to go home after the funeral yesterday.  She said after she got off from work she had somewhere to be and so my kids couldn’t be there.  When she realized they were going to be there for the night, she got upset and wanted to know when we were going to pick up the kids today.  She wanted them gone before she got off from work.

Well this didn’t happen.  Instead, they are spending the night with her.  Since my children were still at her house she took them to the birthday, I think mostly out of guilt.  My kids had a good time none the less and will be back here tomorrow no matter what. 

 When I realized where my kids were and where my mother had planned to be without telling me, I was pissed.  I let her know it when she called me to complain about my kids still being there while the party was going on.  That was wonderful.  I know I was losing my tack but I don’t care.  After all the crap those two have been through I figured they wouldn’t get so much crap from my own family.  Well I guess I was wrong.

When I confronted her about how my family doesn’t want me in it, she didn’t deny it.  Granted she didn’t admit it but her silence was as loud as if she screamed it in my ears.  She didn’t need to scream it at me their actions have said enough.  I am the most unwanted person in my family.  I can’t even say I am a black sheep since I’ve been black balled.

This makes me realize how much I don’t have around here.  What really is keeping me here?  The one person I miss will go where ever I go, the only thing still here is his headstone.  I can go anywhere my heart desires.  I’m thinking I need to read the signs and follow them this time.  When you have a sign you should listen to it.

With my husband, that sign came back in 1999.  We had a fight right before my birthday.  He stayed at his moms and I stayed at mine.  We didn’t speak to each other on my birthday but the day after we talked and apologized and “made up.”  I cried because it hurt.  I didn’t know then but found out a few days later I was pregnant.  He said this was a sign we were meant to be together.  A few weeks later I lost the baby.  Big red flag!!!  Lost the baby he said was a sign we were meant to be together.  I should have listened to the divine forces that be.

But I didn’t and now I have yet another opportunity to do the “right” thing and follow the signs.  Heck, maybe it will do me some good.  Until I figure out where I’m going to go I guess I will have to make due.



  1. adopted at2.5 years old never accepted grow up married 1 child .mother would not accept her . said good buy, kind reg,

  2. Just follow your heart…before, I didn’t and things fell apart.

    Now that I follow my heart, things seem to be doing just fine.

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