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A Past

November 3, 2007

I have been thinking about my life and my relationships with people.  Not just any people but those people who want to be close to me.  When I say close I mean those people who would love to love me no matter how crazy I may get.  There really aren’t many who feel this way about me but they are the most important people in my life. 

The first thing I want to address is that I don’t really have a large amount of past.  I have only dated a few men.  Yes I said dated.  I married one of them.  This can be really sad when you think about the numbers.  I am 32.  I began dating when I was 15.  I have dated only five men in this time.  Granted I was with one of them for almost 10 years.  We were living as man and wife for 7 of those years.  Pretty sad figures for someone my age. 

Maybe I should have dated more.  Maybe I should date more.  I had the chance to date again and I failed to do it.  Instead, on the first time out the gate, I date the first man who asks me out.  I hadn’t dealt with anything from my past relationships.  I wasn’t really ready to move forward.  I had too much baggage to be getting into a relationship.  This didn’t stop me though.  I wonder how I had planned on this thing ever working out.

Anyway, I chose to get in one.  He was and still is a wonderful man.  I hope in the future we, if everything works out, can try this again.  Once I have a chance to deal with all of my issues and move forward towards a happier time in my life maybe the timing will be right and the moon will be in the right position and, you get the picture.

Sorry I got off task.  One of my biggest problems is I have a difficult time accepting their pasts.  I know you’re probably saying to yourself, “Lee, all people have a past.  You even have a past.”  This is true.  I even make sure that any guy I date knows about my past.  I don’t want it to be a surprise years from now.  Granted my past isn’t difficult to discuss.  I can count everything on one hand.

We will start with my husband.  I knew he had a past and have even accepted it.  Well I thought I had.  Then out of the blue he tells me he may have a son.  Keep in mind we had been married for a few years before he told me about him and the situation surrounding his conception.  I freaked out.  I knew then I couldn’t care for someone else’s child.  I knew I wasn’t capable of it.  I kept thinking what I would do if I had to bring a kid into my life which wasn’t mine.  Every aspect scared me.

Then there is my most current relationship.  I know about some of his past.  He has told me things he hasn’t told very many people.  As far as his relationship past, I want to know but then I freak out whenever he tells me anything. 

The last thing we talked about was the woman he was a “bad ass” for.  I panicked.  I couldn’t stand knowing he was with someone I might know.  This is the reason I don’t want to know.  I don’t know if I can handle finding out with whom he has been intimate with.  For the last couple of years there have been rumors going around about his sexual prowess.  He was known as a ladies man.  He wasn’t, however people can’t help but say things.  He would be a gentleman and take a girl home from the bar because she was too drunk to drive.  Next day, they had sex!!!  Or so the rumor was.  Because of this I didn’t have a good opinion of him.  I figured the rumors were true.  Well most of them anyway.  Now I know different.  Then there is the little voice in the back of my mind that tells me, “Lee, if your husband could hide a kid then what can he hide or should I say whom.” 

Amazingly enough none of this is true.  He has too much respect for women.  However I can’t help but worry.  What if I know some of these people.  Then there is the thought of him presenting, in the bedroom, some things from his past.  I will know where these ideas came from and I know it isn’t from porn.  Well not his porn anyway and this scares me. 

He also used the things he knows about my past against me.  There are things I am not really proud of.  He knows this and wants to know why I did or why I stopped doing things.  This is hard for me.  It took me forever to open up to someone and then I get this.  I don’t think he did it on purpose but what if he did? 

The one thing I can’t help but think about with all of this talk is how badly do I want to be a part of his past.  I was hoping for a past, present, and a future with him.  I think I may have really goofed up this one.  I hope I can correct things before he is too far gone.  I don’t really want to lose him. 

I know the break up with him was on me and I know only I can change any of this.  I still love him very much and know the moon will hopefully be in line before too long.  Until then I will spend my time looking into all of the things that make me unhappy and change them to make me happy with myself and with him. 

Just remember to spend time with those you love for you never know when you will say your last good-bye to them. Live, love, and give hugs!!!   

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