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On Lifes Little Detours

July 24, 2007

I know I haven’t posted on here in a little while and even though I have signed in here a few times I haven’t actually posted anything.  Sometimes I try to tell myself lies like your life just isn’t interesting, nothing new has happened and when you feel your life is like that it is so hard to write a post.  I get up, deal with my kids, then go to bed.  Nothing more than that.

So how do you blog about your life when you feel you don’t have one?  You don’t.  Well I feel I today I have something to blog about.  Today I met with my attorney.  Yah thats right I met with my divorce attorney and hopefully I will be divorced very soon.  I can’t wait.  I know it is suppose to be a little bitter sweet but I can’t wait.  It has been too long and I want to move on with my life.

After four years I have dealt with most of the feeling people have about their ex’s.  For the most part I no longer hate him.  Actually I thank him everyday.  If he hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have experienced things in life that I have.  I wouldn’t ever have gotten a tattoo or any body piercings.  I wouldn’t have ever really know what it was like to have a positive relationship with anyone.  Since he was so horrible to me I never thought I should be treated with respect and assumed I deserved nothing more.  Worse, I let my kids treat me the same way and now I’m paying the price for it.  It is hard and it hasn’t been a cake walk but we are trying to learn respect for each other. 

I’m not sure what I ever really saw in him.  He wasn’t attractive as a matter of fact he is kind of ugly.  He is tall dark and ugly.  He was working a dead end job and not doing very well at it.  He was sponging off his mother and sister and friends.  For whatever reason I found him funny.  Looking back I can see I was desparate.  He wasn’t even that.  He was a useless lump of crap and I wrapped him in a beautiful bow and took him with me.  

Now I know you are probably wondering why I stayed with him so long.  I loved my kids.  We did make some very beautiful children together and for them I would do it all over again.  I can’t imagine my life without them.

Anyway I spent most of the time I was married to him making excuses for him.  Why he was such a loser?  I never really thought that when I was with him and I tried to tell everyone why.  If he hurt me or one of the kids I made up excuses.  I should have seen all of this coming but instead I made up excuses for it because I wanted to believe he loved me and we were going to be together forever and that he would never leave me because he loved me. 

I was wrong and not seeing it only made things worse.  I had trouble accepting things and it was hard for my kids.  They had lost their dad and their mom was nuts.  Looking back I could have been stronger for their sakes and not been whoa is meing. 

I should have seen it coming.  He was being distant, lying, and may other hurtful things.  I can’t exactly pin it down but it all became almost unbearable in our last year together.  I had many things happen in the last year.  My father was diagnosed with cancer, my mom had a hysterectomy, I thought I had lung cancer.  I will never forget these things.  They all took place between Memorial Day and July 4th.  My dad told me on our way home from our annual camping trip over Memorial Day weekend that he had cancer.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t stop crying.  I was afraid of losing my dad. He was my rock. 

Then my mom blacked out behind the wheel of her car and discovered her hemaglobin was dangerously low.  She needed a blood transfusion.  This was just before the fourth of July.  She was admitted and I wanted to go see her.  My husband refused to take me instead he took my kids to a party.  Told me if I wanted to see my mother I should find my own ride. 

Maybe I should elaborate a little on this.  He and my mother hate each other.  He would have been happen if she had died.  There was no love lost between these two.  I spent my time keeping their claws out of each other.

We went camping after the party and as we were packing up camp my chest started to hurt.  At first I thought it was a heart attack.  As time wore on I knew it wasn’t.  The pain was different.  Finally I couldn’t breath anymore and I had him take me to the hospital.  There they saw something on my xray.  They weren’t sure so they told me to follow up in a month with my doctor.  I asked what it was and they let me know…it could be cancer.  My world fell apart.  I couldn’t work or care for my kids and at this time I had a kid in diapers.  I was afraid I was going to miss them growing up.  

My husband was a smoker and I was afraid he would die before the kids were fully grow and if I died then who was going to care for the kids.  I asked him to quit smoking if I died.  He said he would think about it.  Think about IT!!!  Who has to think about it?  You should care about your kids and worry your not going to see them grow up. 

Then after the month and some intense testing to make sure I didn’t have cancer, I thought we were in a better place.  I was wrong.  We went camping for Labor Day and thanks to that little trip I got pregnant.  Well actually I kept denying I was pregnant and took the test to prove to him I wasn’t.  When I took the test and it came back positive, I was excited.  He came home from work and asked if I had taken the test and I told him yes and where it was.  He came back from viewing it and call me a fucking bitch.  I wasn’t the only one who was there when the child was concieved and had even warned him of the dangers an unprotected romp in the hay would have.  He said he didn’t remember me ever telling him that. 

In either case I was pregnant.  Things from this point on didn’t get better.  Actually it got worse.  He started lying to me about money, was gone all the time, and had begun reading personals.  This wasn’t all.  He did nothing to help get ready for the baby.  I had to paint by myself, standing on chairs and what not.  Then when it came time to put the baby bed together I did it by myself, eight months pregnant.  I varnished a door, sanded lead based paint, and many other things simple because they needed done and he wasn’t helping. 

I, of course, was making up excuses for him.  He was stressed about the baby and money was tight.  Hindsight says these were all little signs.  Actually large flashing neon signs bright red and very hard on the eyes.  Everyone from miles around could see it but not me.  No one was surprised when he left me except me.  Most everyone knew he was a piece of crap and I deserved much better.  They wanted him out of my life and knew when he was my life would be much better.  

The timing of his departure stank.  Our youngest was only three weeks old and ill.  I was on leave from my job and recovering from surgery.  I couldn’t do but the simplest thing by myself.  He left me with no money, no car, and what I felt was all the responsibility, and no explaination. 

I still don’t have any idea what drove him away and I probably never will.  I thought it was all my fault and he has let me continue to believe so.  He has said I was right about the responsibility thing.  He didn’t want any and figured I could handle it.  This explanation is bunk since the woman he left me for (after having only known her for a month) needed him to raise her kids and pay her bills.  The girl has changed but the situation hasn’t.  He is still with a woman, caring for her kids and paying her bills.  I guess he will never learn. 

We are all better off without him.  He was a loser and not worth the genetic material used to create him.  Maybe I should have listened to his step dad all those years ago when he told me he was a loser and wouldn’t amount to anything.  

To Roger:  Even through your drunken rant you have an amasing way of always being right.  Maybe a little off on your timing but you are right.  I should have listened to you all those years ago and run as fast as I could.  You are wise and don’t forget it.  Thank you!!!

I know this blog is long, very, very, very long.  I am hoping that aside from the blog where I make my official return to singledom wide known there will no longer be any posts about him.  He is the past and should forever stay there.  One day the dreams will be real and the nightmares long forgotten.   

       

    

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