Spring Has Sprung

May 2, 2007

Looking out my window, the grass and weeds have grown out of control. It is time for a mow yet I have no means to do so.  So I sit, watching the yard overtake the house.  Hopefully I will not have to get out there with my scissors and give it a trim.  Besides I need to get my garden tilled so I can plant the vegetables and fruits which will sustain me and mine through the summer.

This reminds me of my childhood.  I never could have a garden because the ground at my parent’s house had too much clay in it to grow anything at all.  I always wondered about that since my grandfather, who lived in Missouri for my entire childhood, had some of the worst clay soil I have ever seen, yet he grew a wonderful garden full of fruits and vegetables.  I always looked forward to my visit during the summer when we ate right out of his garden.

I really want to give this to my children.  Memories like those.  Eating fresh from the garden.  Getting their little hands dirty to provide for themselves.  I use to garden with my dad once I was an adult.  We had a rather large plot of land across from the apartment I lived in where we grew all sorts of things.  We had done this for two years gaining knowledge about how we needed to change our ways to make it work.  

The second year we learned we needed to be in our garden more often, working every day.  We got the garden in the ground.  Working the ground and dealing with weeds was my job.  My father was there as a cheerleader.  He had difficulty doing anything where the ground wasn’t level.  Well in June that year he passed away, a few days after we did a major weeding in the garden.  After this I lost my passion.  I didn’t want to do anything in it.  I couldn’t stand driving by it let alone stepping foot in it. 

This wasn’t the first time I had lost interest in gardening.  The year before my father passed, my husband, who helped me plant the garden, left me when I could do anything in the garden.  My father forced me to get out there and work the garden because he knew I needed to. 

He was my strength and I miss him every day.  Father’s day this year, it will have been three years since he passed.  There isn’t a moment of any day when I don’t think about him.  I miss his knowledge.  He always knew what I needed to do and he always told me, no matter how much I didn’t want to hear it.

Right now I wish he was here.  I need his advice more than ever.  I sit on a precipice, feeling the only choice is to plummet the way the people in my life want me to.  He always knew what I needed to do in my life and always seemed to point me in the right direction.  He was like my human compass.  Since he has passed I feel my compass can’t find North and is just spinning out of control.  I need to find my way and I know I need to do this on my own.  Yet it is so hard for me.  

Needing a head on my shoulders and to have faith in myself are what he would have told me only more elaborately.  I have been looking at other people who are my age and they are more successful then I am.  They know what they want and where they are headed.  I always wondered what they had that I didn’t.  I think it might have been a belief in themselves and the knowledge they needed to do something to survive.  Knowing where they were headed.  Some to get away from everything they use to know and others to come closer to it.  Knowing if they don’t they may end up at the bottom of the barrel. 

My family always spent their time trying to coddle us and this has made it very difficult for us to grow up and move.  I can’t do anything for myself and feel if it wasn’t for my roommate I wouldn’t do anything.  My older brother, though he has his life together, only lives two blocks from my mom.  My little brother, who has never gotten anything right, is beginning a two year prison term.  We never could grow up.

Now I have children of my own and what am I teaching them.  Right now I am teaching them it is OK to waste your life and never amount to anything.  I know I need to pull on my boots and get out there.  Get a job and begin taking care of my family, on my own.  Earning my way.  Everything will fall into place when it is time.  I just need patience.  And a good dose of vegetables and fruits grown in my own garden.  Dirty under my nails and all.


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