Easter Wishes and Ostara Dreams

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of my readers Happy Easter or Happy Ostara.  May the holiday be filled with family and friends as we celebrate the rebirth of the holy one(s). 

I know the title might be a little weird but I’m feeling that way today.  Kinda reminds me of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.  I know I’m not rich or famous in any way that counts to the masses but I feel I am rich in ways that you can’t measure, at least not with any standard device.  Famous is in the eye of the beholder.  I feel famous, everywhere I go people call out my name.  Ok so they are my kids, but I still feel famous. 

My oldest son told me, after his visit with his dad yesterday, that his dad and his girlfriend are looking at getting married within the next month.  Well I want to congratulate them on this wondrous feet.  I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you both have what he and I didn’t, the strength and courage to work through our problems and an undeniable lust for life with each other as company.  I am not in the least bit bitter as some people can be.  I am truly happy for them and wish them the best of luck.

This does make me wish I had some sort of good news for myself on this front.  When our divorce was about to be final, and I personally believe he chose to say this to make himself feel less guilty about the break up of our marriage, he told me I would be happy because this would mean I could get married.  I’m not sure exactly why he thought I would want to get married five seconds after my divorce was final but he is insane.

My first marriage happened after years of dating and one kid.  I swore I wouldn’t get married just because of a kid.  So I didn’t get married because of the first kid.  We had been dating for a couple of years when the unthinkable happened.  I got pregnant again.  So we decided we needed to get married before anyone noticed I was pregnant again.  We rushed it through and were married a month after I found out about our impending bundle of joy.  The only witnesses to our festivities were his sister, my brother, and my brother’s girlfriend at the time.  No parents, no extended family, nothing fancy.  I just wanted it over with before my parents found out.

Yes that is right, my parents didn’t like him at all and when they found out what I had done, the silence was astounding.  I look back on all of my relationship with my ex and I know that I did everything because I was ashamed of him.  I couldn’t believe I was settling for someone who was so beneath me.  

I want to make it perfectly clear that while I feel my marriage was a mistake, I don’t regret some of the best things to ever happen to me.  My children are where I get my zest for life from, the spark that lights my inner fire.  Without them I would probably not be here.  They have given me what I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off, and realize there are plenty more things in this life then the things I have lost.

Well this is enough of this post and I hope all is well with every one of you and that you find your own reason for this season.  It is a season of rebirth so may each and every one of you who read this find one thing you dislike about yourself and find a way to change it to attain the best possible feelings about yourself.

Hate the One You Came With

Ever since I can remember, I have always tried to make my family happy.  Do this, do that, good little slave.   Oh you’re happy, not here in this house you’re not.  Good grades, sorry but we don’t recognize good grades in this house, only bad.  This hasn’t changed even though I am in my thirties.  I have always lived in a house where I have been the quiet one, the one who no one notices unless I was doing something I shouldn’t.

So to make my family notice me, I rebelled.  Bad grades, skipping work, stealing the family car, even dating the wrong guys.  It got so bad that I even got myself good and knocked up, by a guy my family couldn’t stand.  Even better, I moved out of my family’s home on my mother’s birthday.  Best comeback I could think of at the time.  I learned my lesson from that really quick.  Within a few months I was back under her roof again, and right back into the same situations I rebelled against.

The reason I say this is because it doesn’t matter now what I do, I am back to being a good slave girl.  Oh you’re happy, well not on my watch.  You have a boyfriend, not if I get to his parents first.  Oh you have kids, not under my roof, they are mine to control and use against you as I please.

For the last eight months, my mom has been controlling my children without me knowing it.  I guess maybe I should have known it since I have been around my kids all the time.  Well really she has only been controlling my oldest son but now his attitude had been passed on to his younger brothers and sister.  They all have become ungrateful little green eyed monsters.  They want everything and when I remind them I can’t give them anything they get angry and break things or turn on me and either treat me like dirt or treat me like they are my parent, something my mother has allowed them to think was acceptable behavior. 

In the last month things with them having gradually gotten worse.  A couple of weeks ago, my oldest son was acting out.  After weeks of hearing how poor a mother I had become and how my children’s discipline problem was because of a lack of acting on my account of not “doing” anything I decided to try the other way of thinking.  

This is where I would like to interject something about the way I discipline.  When I was a kid, my parents would beat my butt if I did anything wrong.  I didn’t think my kids needed to be brought up in that type of environment.  I wanted my kids to not be hit.  I didn’t want to have my kids growing up afraid of me.  I also knew this was a possibility seeing as I knew someone who was raised in a non-violent family, including his step-parents.  However I know that this isn’t working for us but I still don’t believe in hitting or spanking or any of that as a form of punishment, yet my family believes it is the only form of punishment so I thought I would give it a try.     

I removed my “big, fat ass” from the chair I was in and attempted to make my son mind me, i.e. I tried to physically move him back into the other room-after many attempts of just telling him to go and pointing him in the direction he needed to move.

When he resisted, I attempted to use “police” style force, placing his arm behind his back and wrapping my arm through it.  He could have gotten loose from my grasp and he knew it.  I didn’t want to hit him and I knew that he wasn’t being hurt by this so I figured it would be between my terms of punishment and theirs.  I was very wrong.

Instead of trying to free himself he decided to take another course of action being as though we were right outside my mother’s room.  He screamed and she flew out of her bed and came after me.  I let my son out of the hold to defend myself.  I could have just let her attack me without putting up a fight of any kind but I didn’t want to end up far worse than I did.

I will admit that I pushed her hard enough she bounced onto the end of her bed but she got right back up swinging.  As she always does during our fights, she went for my face, flinging my glasses off with her slightly open talons.  Once we landed on her bed, to keep her from further hurting me, I held her down as I usually do only this time she was on top of me.  I grabbed a handful of hair and held her to the bed.

“Get the F#$* off of me” she screamed multiple times, which was interesting since I was under her.  “Are you done yet?” was my response.  Once her limbs had slowed, I let go of her hair and let her up, just like I always do.

Since she knew she couldn’t beat me physically, she began screaming at me telling me how she does all of this because she is worried about her grandkids because there mother is such a poor piece of crap and doesn’t care for them.  At this point, I reminded her that she threw these same grandkids she cared so much for out on the street a little more than 2 years ago.  So much for that claim.

She then turns the situation back at my friend-the one who lost everything because she took us in.  It is all her fault.  That’s right, it is her fault.  Not sure exactly how this is all her fault but I plan to find out.  How could it be her fault, she did what no one else would.  Put up with my ungrateful kids, driving them everywhere, buying them things they don’t need, and making sure they didn’t want for not.  Sounds like this is her fault doesn’t it.

This whole thing got me to thinking.  Over the course of my life, she has driven out anyone in my life whom she couldn’t control or who affected her control of me.  Those people who let me think I had a mind or even a half a mind.  Those who defended me when I wouldn’t defend myself.  Those who cared about me in any capacity and took me away from everything keeping me from being the good little slave.

I have had a few boyfriends in my time and one way or another he reasons we broke up link back to my mother or my family in some way.  Hell even my now ex-husband left because of her.  She then drove out my friends, my fiance, and now she is trying to drive out my one last remaining person left in my life outside my family.  I would like to say here that I wouldn’t be a responsible human being if I didn’t admit that I did have a part in all of the relationships breaking down.  My mother wasn’t the only one responsible, yet she did commit a large number of grievances I did nothing about.

As I sit back and watch, she treats her the same way she treated my ex-husband, I wonder how long it will be before she leaves like the rest of them did.  The way it works is like this, she showers them with gifts and attention one minute then curses their very existence the next.  She is trying to make her leave me like the rest of them did so I will be back to the slave role without complaint.

One thing my mother doesn’t count on is me.  Spring is the season of birth and rebirth.  I have been reborn, like the phoenix from the ashes.  This pheonix is evolving and changing, ready to kick some tail.  I am tired of being kicked around by life and by my family.  I am better than that.  I deserve to be loved and respected by my children and my family.  Have my personal opinions and parenting styles not called into question by my family and not be talked about like I’m not here and have no mind but that is for another post. 

So from this day forward there will no longer be the shy slave girl, taking a whooping and not standing up for herself.  I am a goddess of war, and I will not turn tail and run away so be careful what you say or do to me.

Updating the Updates and More Randomness

This is the end of the weekend away from all of my kids, which hasn’t happened in I’m not sure how long.  Yes the younger two stayed with their dad and just as predicted, they didn’t want to come home.  This now makes all four of my kids who want to live with their dad. 

I don’t understand them.  How can they stay for one night with him and come home and want to spend the rest of their life with him?  He hasn’t been in their life for for the last few years and now they can’t live without him.  Where is my respect, respect for the one who didn’t walk out on them when one of them was just a baby?  I sit here thinking what did I do wrong, why do my children hate me so much? 

I begin thinking about my own relationship with my parents.  I can’t stand my mom.  Well, I tolerate her, but nothing more.  I completely adored my father.  I looked up to him.  I still do.  Every day I miss him and his advice.  I am lost without him and still haven’t found that someone whose voice I listen to.  Maybe this is why my children look up to their dad.  I still don’t understand it but maybe it is because I am too close to the situation. 

My kids love their dad and for this I am happy.  I can’t wait until the day when we can equally share in their upbringing.  For now though it is all on me.  Until then I will decide everything for them, both good and bad. 

Updates

I know it has been awhile since I’ve written and I do apologize.  I don’t know how many people read my blogs for their content or if everyone out there is looking at my blogs for some of the past pictures.  For those of you who are actually reading my blogs, thank you.  My goal is not to disappoint.

Well here it is, spring break time again.  My children and I are on spring break at the same time this year, which by itself isn’t always a bad thing. With the way things have been going between us lately, sometimes I wonder why our breaks can’t come at different times.

My eldest son has been getting under my skin lately.  He has turned my mom and I against each other, undermined my authority on more than one occasion, and taken on the role of my dad.  In regard to the first thing, she and I never really have gotten along, so the whole thing isn’t really a big shock.  The second one is a little harder to deal with.  He is making it harder for me to be the adult who is in control.  The one with a handle on the situation.

Any more I know he needs help but I am unsure where to turn.  I know that before long he will outgrow me in both size and strength.  Once this happens I won’t be able to stop him if he gets out of control.  Right now he tends to get angry and physical only when it is good for him to.  What I mean by this is that he only hits things and he knows that when my mom is around he can act like I’m trying to kill him so she jumps in.  He finds this whole thing humorous.  I however am not that big a fan.

With this week of spring break I was hopeful that things would get better but I am not holding my breath.  So far it has only been about a day and a half and he is already trying my patience.  Only the future will tell what he will be like.  I’m hoping for a complete turn around.

As far as the rest of the kids, they are all on their best behavior with only minor things to annoy me.  Nothing out of the ordinary with them.  There is the pretending not to hear me game they have in full swing.  They are making additions to their book, How to Drive Your Mother Crazy in Only One Short Day.  I’m sure it will be a best seller.  The younger two are working on their memoirs, When Your Older Brother Turns into the Hulk.  Also bound to be a best seller.  Keep an eye out for them in your local bookstore.

I guess I should also give another update.  The first visit for the older kids didn’t really lead to any problems so this weekend the younger two get there chance with their dad.  Nathan is scared but Joey is gung-ho about it.  He can’t wait.  I’m not sure exactly why these boys are acting this way.  Maybe it is in their nature to be different.  I could understand if Joey was terrified since he has no idea who this guy is or what to expect.  Maybe Nathan should feel the same way since he really hasn’t had any communications with him since he was 2.  We have reassured him though that if he feels uncomfortable at any moment all he has to do is call.  If we can’t convenience him to stay that we will come and get him.  I figure that he will get there and be able to play video games and he will feel right at home.  I’m kinda hoping for a quiet night.

Well my little brother has discovered a new passion.  He is in love with Myspace.  He said he never wanted one but now that is all he wants to do.  He drives me nuts.  Right now he wants me to get done on here so he can send a message to his friends.  Damn the myspace.  Well not my space but his!!!  Anywho… check back later for further updates on what happens this weekend with the younger children and their first visit with their father and whether I make it through the week of spring break (sober).   

Hell Has Frozen Over

I write this post sitting in almost darkness.  The only sounds are my roommate snoring, the television(not watching but my brother is), and the occasional creaking from the rocking chair my brother claims is his, but really it is only his so he doesn’t have to sit on the floor.

The reason for the silence has to do with hell freezing over.  My ex-husband has decided to begin taking the kids, granted only two at a time, but he has agreed to take them and this is where they are right now.  Well the older two anyway.  They left earlier this evening and everyone seemed excited.  He has promised to take the younger two next weekend.  I’m not holding my breath but I hope this means that times are changing and he really plans to keep this whole thing up.

I’m scared that when he takes the younger two there may be some problems.  My youngest son hasn’t been or seen his father in many years aside from the time he spent with his father at his grandfather’s funeral.  He doesn’t even really know who his dad is.  This might be my own fault but his father should take some of the blame. 

When we were going through our divorce he saw his son for the first time in a long time.  His sister(my ex’s) told my son that this was his dad and my ex, knowing I was seeing someone special to me told him that the man I was dating at the time was his dad.  Now my son has no idea who his dad really is.

Tonight my younger sons spent a little time with him as he was waiting for the older ones to gather all the stuff they are taking with them.  Now my youngest knows a little about the man he thinks is his father.  He is excited about going to spend time with this complete stranger to him.  A little part of me is sad but there is a bigger part of me that is happy.  I just hope his father doesn’t screw it up.  I’m hoping he really plans on being there for his kids, watching them grow up, becoming the young adults they are meant to be.  If he plans on running off on them again I would rather he never have come around.

This whole change I am certain has come at a time when I think my kids could really use their dad.  They have been having a hard time with everything we have been through in the past year.  It didn’t help that their father’s girlfriend didn’t want them around.  This is the reason for his absence in their lives.  What I never understood about her was how she could want to put someone else’s kids through this sort of thing.  I had known her since before she dated my ex-husband.  She was fine and we were even friendly.  Granted we weren’t friends but we would talk.  Now she can’t stand me and my kids are a huge pain in her rear. 

I have seen her personally get into a fist fight with her ex-husband because he wouldn’t take his son on a night when he wasn’t suppose to have him.  So when she asked this way about my kids I was stunned.  I would figure she would want him to be a parent to his kids like she wished her exes had been.  This so far hasn’t been the case until this past week.  I’m hoping she will change and can be the type of step-mom my kids need. 

With all of this new found freedom it has given me a chance to sit and think about my love life, yet again.  I got to thinking that the kids are going to see their dad at his girlfriend’s place.  The girlfriend he has had for the past couple of years.  The one I think he plans on marrying.  Here I sit, writing this blog on a Saturday night.  No going out for me.  No one to go out with.  What is it about me that makes me so unlovable?  I know he isn’t attractive and that women aren’t banging down his door and haven’t been since he left me.  He has, however had a few girlfriends which were more than a date or two.  I have been on A date since he left.  No one has even taken the time to get to know me.  Am I really that horrible?

A friend of mine tries to make me see the bright side by telling me that there are always those girls who have low self-esteem and will date people who aren’t as attractive because they don’t think they are worth it.  I guess what I want to know is, my self-esteem is low, where is that guy for me?  Has he gotten lost on his search for the perfect lesser individual?  Or am I just that unlovable?

Until I figure out everything that holds me to the past and this way of thinking, I have decided that men shouldn’t be a part of my life.  No, that doesn’t mean I’m switch hitting.  That means that I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man.  At this point in time, any man.  No male friends, no lovers, no one.  I plan to keep all my female friends close and spend some time searching for myself, validating my existence, until I am no longer afraid of what is out there, afraid of getting hurt.  Until I can love myself for who I am and stop looking to others to define me.  Stop searching for that one guy who will fulfill me, making me whole.

I know that no person can do that for me yet I still sit here thinking if only I could find HIM this would all be over.  My life would be perfect and I would live the fairy tale life.  You know the one with a happy ending.  Right now I need to find my own happy ending.  This will come from within.  I know I’ll find it there. 

Only time will tell where I fit into this whole thing.  I will update you all on the developments from this weekend and let you know if next weekend happens. 

   

Karma

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this.  Last week I had a little physical tiff with my 14 year old son.  He was hitting one of my friends so I stepped in to stop him and it took both of us to restrain him.  Doing this threw out her shoulder, elbow, and wrist on one arm and my shoulder.  This was Valentine’s Day.  Yes Happy Valentine’s Day to Me.  For those of you who are wondering, yes he is still alive and living with me.  However he has been dually warned that if it happens again that he will end up in a group home.  Anyway, moving on.

I was still in pain Monday so I went to the doctor.  Ordered to take it easy (which was easy since I couldn’t lift anything) I went home that night.  Next morning I got up as usual and everything went well.  I took a test in my Business Law class and then went to Wal-Mart.

I am for every obvious reasons writing this next part.  Wal-Mart is in no way, shape, or form responsible for the events which transpired next.

I was worried about not slipping on the ice that I twisted my ankle.  As I was trying to regain my footing my other shoe, which were slip-ons, started to fall off.  This lead me to fall flat on my face.  Well actually my face never hit the concrete.  However I did land on my knees and my right wrist.  My four year old was with me as I almost was run over by a car while sitting there on the cold concrete, crying.

To avoid being run over I stood, put both my shoes on and through tears and shaking made my way to the driver seat of the car.  I sat there crying for a little bit and then on cue, my son says, “Mom, I need to go to the bathroom.”  Now keep in mind that I can hardly move and I am still crying and I had to go to the bathroom when I stepped out of the car.  “I can’t help you right now.”  I said back to him, knowing if I didn’t get him to the bathroom quickly he was going to pee his pants.

I stood up, wiped the tears off my face and then made my way slowly into the store, not realizing how badly I was hurt.  At this point I knew my hand hurt but I walked rather than getting one of the electric wheelchairs they have available.  The only pain I had was in my hand which I could tell was going to be bad.

We finished our shopping and returned to the car, knowing that my hand hurt but my knees felt scraped but nothing more.  After we dropped of my son at preschool we stopped at the gas station to fill up the tank.  My leg felt stiff but I didn’t think anything of it.  I went into the station, paid for the gas, and returned to the car.  I mentioned something about how my knee felt stiff and swollen and then I looked down at it.  My knee looked like I had taken a baseball and ACE bandaged it to the top of my knee. 

Before this moment I hadn’t wanted to go to the doctor again because it doesn’t look good when you go in with doctor 2 days in a row with injuries that look like you are being abused.  Maybe I should mention that when I went to the doctor’s office Monday I didn’t tell them that the injury was from getting in an altercation with my son.  I told them I didn’t know how it happened.  What else was I suppose to say? 

Well I went to the doctor’s office and sat it the waiting room for over an hour.  They made me walk back to the room, even though they thought I had broken my knee.  I never really did figure it out.

The nurse took my temperature, which really didn’t make any sense, and then she asked me what I was to be seen for.  Apparently she was a blind nurse who didn’t see me limping or not using my hand.  Anyway I told her the story after I let her know I was there because I hurt my hand and knee.  She turned on the light for the radiology department and left the room.  Within moments the person was there to take me to have x-rays done.  

Again I limped the whole way there.  I really don’t know why they do this but they always want to bend you in ways that are the most painful when they take x-rays.  I was contorted into balloon animal shapes and we did shadow puppets and then the pictures were taken.  Once developed, they escorted me back to my room.

Within a few moments the doctor, who happened to be the doctor I saw the day before, was in the room examining my hand and knee.  She said it didn’t appear that anything was broken but she said she was surprised by the way it looked that there wasn’t something broken.  She said the drugs she prescribed would work well for this injury also and that I should apply ice to my hand and knee and heat to my shoulder. 

We left the doctor’s office and came home, putting ice on both of them.  The swelling went down in my knee but my hand swelled so bad I couldn’t move my fingers.  I couldn’t write, type of anything for 2 days.  My friend sent notes to all my instructors letting them know what was happening and told them I would need the assignments.  So far most of my instructors are cooperative, but I have a lot of homework to do including a take home test. 

The next morning I woke up and the knee I thought was fine except for a few scratches was so swollen I couldn’t bend it.  I guess I can speed this whole post up a bit.  My family keeps forgetting that I hurt and bumps me in all my sorest areas.

My hand still hurts to type and hold a pencil, but I am trying hard to get everything done.  The swelling in my hand is going down but as it does new bruises form, now I have them on the palm of my hand.  But I can now get up off the floor without help, though it does still hurt to be on my knees.  I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a boyfriend in my life, well not one that wants me on my knees, anyway.   

Let It Snow

Living in Iowa has begun to have it’s drawbacks.  For what seems like forever now, we have been covered in snow.  Actually last week we did reach a high in the 50’s and this melted most of the snow we had gotten before.  By this morning we had another round of snow leaving us buried under almost a foot of snow.

The snowplow guys are making a killing digging everyone out and we are running out of places to pile it all.  Today I watched my neighbor try and dig her driveway out form under all the snow.  She would dig a little bit and then she would take a break.  Last night she shoveled as well so you would figure it would have been easier.  It wasn’t.  After she spent most of the day shoveling, she had only cleared about a third of her drive.  My brother, out there making a killing in the snow removal business, just did the end of her driveway for her and she paid him very generously. 

He worked most of the day to releave the neighbors of their heavy fluffy burden.  Now he is exhausted.  I don’t mind because he won’t be bothering me tonight.  This is a plus from the last few days.

The only other thing I have to complain about was that the schools around here let out for the day.  My kids have been bugging all of us all day long.  My oldest has been bugging my brother, wanting to help him go about his tremendous job.  My other three kids have been bugging me. 

I checked my school email, since my classes were cancelled as well, and my instructor from one of my classes has sent me the test we were supposed to take last week (class was cancelled then due to weather) and again this week.  With all of the delays, this is the only option for the teacher to get a grade turned in for his report was to give it to us this way.   I have begun working on it but I wanted to get a post done beforehand so I don’t have this to worry about.  I guess I’ll get it done later as opposed to sooner, but this is how my life goes.

Here is a funny thing which happened to us just the other night.  My oldest son was playing with a pantyliner.  He knows what girls use then for, so this was not out of line for him.  Maybe I should mention that he has trouble with the whole deer stains in his underwear.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, he doesn’t always wipe his butt very well, leaving a rather large streak in his underwear.  This makes doing laundry very nasty.  Well we were making fun of him about his problem and mentioned he should use one of them for his “chocolate time”(what we affectionately call his problem, when girls are having their time we call it “strawberry time”).  He then took the pantyliner and removed the paper covering the sticky backing and placed it on the outside of his pants right over his butt crack.  My brother couldn’t believe it.  We all died laughing, and as a matter of fact, I had to stop writing this because we were all reliving it again.  My son knows I’m writing this and he is embarrassed and maybe a little mad too.  I think he will get over it in time but it was funny and I figured that people could use a good laugh this week.       

I would like to use this time to send out my condolences to those people who experienced a loss during the terrible weather in the South.  Heart goes out to those who lost a loved one or their possessions.  I know my words can’t bring back all the things you lost but I hope you can recovery from this and rise from the rubble with your heads held high.

For right now this is all I have to say.  I’m going to dig out the car so I can take a trip to school in the morning.

Drama

I have learned a very valuable lesson by living with my family.  You can’t help but be caught up in the drama going on around you.  I guess what I mean by this is that if someone in your close proximity is having something serious going on, you will, inevitably be involved, whether you want to or not. 

This never became more apparent than with the situation between my brother and the mother of his child.  I adore her.  She does what she needs to so she can survive.  I don’t mean that she does anything illegal.  I just mean she works her butt off and everything so she can give her daughters and herself the life she wants them to have.  Unfortunately my brother doesn’t think things through.  He wants his old life back and he tries to push her buttons so she will get mad.  I don’t know why he does this but sometimes I can’t help but get involved.

Last night he was arguing with her about the guy she is dating.  He is currently incarcerated.  He has many things I don’t personally care for going on and I don’t generally like him.  This isn’t fair since I have never met the guy.  I just don’t like him from reading his rap sheet. 

My brother fought about how her new boyfriend is worse than he is and I would have to agree but this is none of my business nor is it any of my brothers business.  They fought for most of the night and I know this has got to be hard on both of them as well as the kids.  I wish they could get along, at least for a little bit.

This brings me back to the point I was trying to make.  This drama happened right here in the house I share with him.  He drug me into the fight then kicked me while he was mad, yelling at me because I was giving him the answers he was looking for.  After his fight with her was over, he fought with my mom and she yelled and then I yelled and then there was a phone call to another brother of mine. 

I feel sorry for this brother.  He always get drug into any fight that happens here.  My brother gets no rest and for this I am sorry.  He has got to be tired of it.  I will make him this promise, I am trying to move out of here and I don’t want you ever to have to worry about getting called about me again.  If mom or Ray ever call you about me tell them it is none of their business and to mind their own. 

I guess this is all the point I wanted to make so I am done for now.

Life Changes Those Around You Too

In one of my previous posts I commented that I was looking forward to spending some time with my kids.  I know this is what I said but I now remember why I quit spending time with my kids.  They drive me nuts.  They constantly fight with each other, they are rude, and they are never quiet.  Well this last part isn’t really true.  They are quiet right now but that is because they are sleeping. 

I really do miss spending time with them but I realize that as a single mom my time spent with them is so very short.  I need to spend the time I do have with them in a way they can appreciate.  The only problem is they all are so different from each other there isn’t anything they all agree on except to disagree.  How can you plan activities with four different kids so that none of them are excluded?  When I figure this out I will let you know.

With this out of the way, I am trying to get this post finished.  I started it last night and was distracted by my homework so I figured with my homework out of the way I would finish this post.

In my life, every day is starting to be just like the one before.  I don’t know if it is from lack of trying or if it is from boredom or what it is from but I am beginning to hate my so called life.  I know that was a TV show back in the 80’s when big hair was popular but since the 80’s are coming back maybe so will the show.

I don’t remember exactly when it all started, this boredom with the things around me and not the TV show.  I have been sitting here trying to remember.  I used to venture outside of my comfort and security into public places and talk with people who were not really strangers.  Why did this stop?

I never really did any of those things for most of my life.  I was always staying home and studying, avoiding going out because I was afraid someone might talk to me.  Even after I met my husband I still never went out, he wouldn’t allow me to, this would of course conflict with his desire to find a new girlfriend/wife, though I didn’t know it at the time.  Even after he left me I still sat at home and only went out to work and the store.  I never went out with my friends because I was afraid.  Of what I still don’t know.

Then I began going out and I started acting like a complete lunatic.  I was going out almost every night of the week, drinking way more than I should have been, and driving myself home afterwards.  I know now that those things were very bad but at the time I didn’t care. 

I was mad at my “husband” for the way he treated me and I realized he was out there having a good time while I was stuck home with his kids.  Where was my night out?  Where was my fun?

I finally decided that my father wouldn’t want me to sit around feeling sorry for myself, he’d want me out there enjoying life.  A friend of mine told my “husband” he was taking the kids so I could go out and there was going to be no way around it.  He was scared of her so he took the kids and I went out.

My life changed in that very moment.  I began acting like someone who has just turned 21 and because lusty with the drinks.  I played pool all night and there were even times when I did things I shouldn’t have (I will not discuss it in great detail to preserve the bond of trust that was placed between those I am talking about and myself).  Then as time went by I slowed down and eventually I stopped going out all together.

Why this happened is really a mystery.  I know I feared retaliation by those I had harmed in no way that was my fault.  Why really isn’t important here.  What is really important is I would like to get some of that back.  I would like to start going out again and meeting other adults outside of a classroom.

I will keep you updated on how this whole thing goes.  With any luck, maybe I can get a night out every once in awhile.  Even prisoners get time off for good behavior.    

Lies

Why is it people feel the need to lie?  Is there something wrong with the world the way it is that people feel they can only make their small portion of this planet better by telling some sort of tall tale about what so and so has done this week while in the privacy of their own mind.  I just don’t get it.  My children have all been on a rash of lying lately.  First it was small stuff and very easy to spot but as time has gone on my kids are getting better at it, or I’m losing my edge, the firm little grasp releasing a little.

Not all of their lies make sense.  I try to remind them that lying is bad and that telling the truth will be less traumatic then lying and me finding out later that they lied.  No one likes a liar and I am no exception.  I have no idea where they are getting this habit from but I’m beginning to wonder whether it can be the environment they are living in.

My mother is a liar.  She isn’t even really good at it.  She tries, don’t get me wrong.  She just can’t do it.  Over the phone she has an easier time than she does in person.  In person she is spotted almost immediately.  Sometimes I think she is unaware that we know she is lying as for the most part we don’t point it out.  We let her believe she is smart for having tricked us when in actuality she is the one being duped.  I know this isn’t fair to her but hey she’s the one who is lying not me.

Then there is my younger brother.  He finds it difficult to lie unless it is something very important.  The things he finds important include anything to do with his drug dealing friends and their “business” or his whereabouts during times when he hasn’t been home like he is supposed to.  He also finds it difficult to tell the truth about his friends.  He has recently made the mistake of telling us a lie which didn’t get him far but if he knows he can he will push it until he wins and for the most part my mom lets him get away with it. 

My kids have picked up on this bad habit and this is driving me crazy, mostly because I don’t have time to waste figuring out what the truth is.  I don’t want to be like my mom and wake up some day and realize that my kids are doing drugs and having sex and heaven only knows what else and to have it pointed out to me that I let it all happen by not taking a stand against it when they were younger.

This has even come to light since my husband left me.  He was a liar.  I guess I should have expected it.  Even my most recent dating experience is making me rethink ever trusting anyone again, even myself.  How is it possible to be that oblivious to the things going on around you to not know anything.  As with my kids I don’t know who to believe.  Where are the people I need to trust and if you can’t trust family who are you suppose to trust?

Well until I figure this out I will keep my enemies close but my friends closer.