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Super Nova

 

Sometimes I wonder whether my parents really should have had me.  It is days like today that make me wish they hadn’t.  Why is it that I don’t have the guts to do myself in like every other person who has.  What do they have in them that I don’t have in me?  Determination, maybe a sense of will, I don’t know but there is something they have that I don’t. 

 All day long I struggle through life and wonder what for.  What is the reason I am here on this planet?  What can I possibly contribute to this world that requires me to be here, living, day in and day out?  All I have done thus far in my life is to increase the population and anger people I don’t even care for.  Hell, I’ve even upset those I really cared for.  Some of them now no longer speak to me and have completely written me out of their lives and who am I to blame them.  They did what they should have before they ever thought about becoming by friend. 

Out of concern for my children, I stay here on this planet and wonder when I will be able to move on.  I realized that I am like a super nova.  Those close to me will not make it.       

 

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love… Something parents are supposed to have yet I wonder how many of them really do.  Could you look your child in the eye and tell them they aren’t worth it?  It is a tough thing to think about but it is true.  Where do you draw the line at when it comes to unconditional love? 

 

To love unconditionally is never easy and no matter how old you get it still doesn’t get any easier.  Is there really such a thing as unconditional love or does all love comes with a price?  If it comes with a price, how much is it worth on the market these days?

 

I used to think love was unconditional until I started dating.  I believed that no matter what I ever did my parents would always love me.  There was never a doubt in my mind that my parents loved me.  Even though they never said it I always knew.  Or at least I thought I did. 

 

Since I started dating I have realized that unconditional love comes with such a steep price.  No man truly loves you just the way you are.  There is always something about you they wish they could change but they have settled for you “as is”.  They take in all of your imperfections and try to ignore them for as long as possible. 

 

I think this is what leads to divorce.  People settling for the things they think they can live with.  Why can’t people just realize there is someone out there who is meant for them and them alone?  Instead they marry the first thing which meets most of the things they like and figure they will have to live with the rest. 

 

My first marriage was this way.  I figured I couldn’t do any better then him and seeing as how he had already planted his seed, I figured I have to do this for the child, then children.  Was it the right thing to do?  Who was it right for?  Was it right for the kids, myself, him? 

 

To this day I still don’t know. What I do know is it wasn’t right but I was afraid of being left alone in this world.  What kind of person has to face the big bad scary world alone?  The kind who has no one else, that’s who.  I must be a person like that.  Well actually, most of us have to face it alone, we just have people who help us along our way.      

 

Sometimes Being Older is Helpful

There are some old things I have written in the past year and never felt the need to post them.  I feel that, right now I’m at a point where I am re-examining my past and seeing what is and isn’t working for me and doing away with those things which aren’t helpful to me.  I guess you could say that I’m cleaning out my closet.  I hope all those who read this enjoy them as they are meant to be.

No one can see the shame in me

On the bark of this aged, old tree

 

Fearing to name this harmfulness

Burying deep within my abyss

 

Darkness hides things well my dear

For none have found in twice the years

 

Now upon my voice you carry

Hear thee well make all us merry

Spring brings for the chance for rebirth

But also the final nail in the coffin

Those things which have died up until now

Must stay buried forever starts now

 

 

Fears are defenses against success

Embracing your fears lead to success

Fears are successes waiting to happen

 

 

Failure is other people’s way of saying you just aren’t ready yet.

The Wide World of Relationships

Can someone please explain to me why we as women put up with so much crap to get a man.  We change the way we look, the way we dress, the way we act, or the things we like and dislike and for what, a chance at a happily ever after?  I’m starting to believe that this is never going to happen.  It was all some big fairy tale cooked up by our mothers to keep us living the life they themselves had subscribed.  I find that men for the most part are immature jerks who’s only thoughts are filled with naked girls ready whenever they feel like it to pleasure them.  Those girls never say no. 

Well I hate to tell guys that not all girls are like that and if that is the thoughts you have in mind for a relationship then their isn’t much chance of getting one without walking away from it, when you get bored with your new toy, with some sort of disease.  What is worse is that it is guys like you who make it bad for those guys who are really wanting a relationship.  These guys want a woman who has class and doesn’t play stupid games.  They want a girl who will say no and mean it.  One that cares and really wants to know what is wrong.  The sad part is that most guys like that end up with girls who are of the other persuasion, meaning that they want a guy who is only in it for sex.

The girls who are used by the guy in example one are the ones who end up bitter and angry at men in general.  Once they find a nice guy, like the one in example two they figure the guy is just in it for the sex and they don’t really want a relationship.  These girls then take out every past hurt from the guys in example one on the guy in example two.  All this does is leave both feeling used, spent, and hurt. 

I understand how these girls can feel.  I have been there, done that.  My first boyfriend was a type one as was the second.  As a matter of fact the only reason that my second boyfriend dated me was because my first boyfriend and the rumors going around told him I was.  He was very sadly mistaken.  My ex-husband was even like that.  He started out like guy two and ended up a guy one.  He was a guy one in guy two’s clothes. 

All of this lead up to problems in my relationships since my separation from my husband.  I met a wonderful man who was a guy type two.  He was an attentive, loving, and really cared how I felt.  He was scared and worried when I hurt my knee, following me around and helping me out.  I however couldn’t shake off the sneaking suspicion that he was a type one guy.  I would accuse him of things I knew in the back of my mind couldn’t possibly be true.  People talked and said things and I wanted to trust and believe him but then the voice of the girl who had dated so many type one guys spoke up and I couldn’t help but believe her.

This put a strain on things and we grew apart.  He couldn’t hang out with his friends without someone saying he was seeing someone else and this all became more than our relationship could stand.  I don’t blame him for he wasn’t doing anything wrong.  He was a truly loving and caring man and always will be.  He is still caring even though we aren’t together anymore.  He looks out for me and makes sure I’m doing OK.  For this I really do love him dearly.  Someday I hope I can forgive those whom have hurt me in the past and accept that not every guy is like the type ones.  Once I do maybe there will be a chance for me yet.       

Kids as Men

I know it has been a little while since I have written.  Life has been keeping me busy.  The kids are almost done with school for the year and I have been attempting to make sure they all pass.  My friends have also been needing some much needed attention from me as well.

As it is spring, many people are falling in love and then there are those who chose now to fall out of love.  A friend of mine has been having difficulty with her relationships.  On one hand her boyfriend has taken to chasing tail and all he ever really wants from her is a piece.  Then there is a guy friend of hers who has picked now as the time to let her know he has feelings for her.  She is so confused about what to do and I have been there to listen and offer my outside view of the situation.

Why do guys feel the need to change girlfriends when the weather warms and all the girls are wearing next to nothing?  Just once I wish guys wouldn’t be so focused on what their little self wants and focus on what is really important in life, someone to listen to their wants and dreams and help them achieve it.  The last thing that should be important is how often your penis is seeing action.  I understand that some people equate sex with love but let me tell you guys, women want more than a good roll in the hay.

Anyway, I have found that my life is getting more complicated.  There is a guy out there who is interested in me and there is a guy who has been interested in me for a while now.  I know that this sounds a lot like my friend’s situation, but trust me it isn’t.  I am torn between two lovers, so to speak.  The first guy I just met and he is wonderful.  He finds me beautiful and has no problem telling me so.  He is smart and and attractive.  The second guy I have known for awhile and have known that he likes me but we have many things standing in our way, the least of which are my children.  He is afraid my kids will harm his chances of getting full custody of his son.  Guy number one doesn’t know I even have kids.

What does it say about me?  I am afraid my children will ruin everything for me.  My children want me to find someone yet whenever I do find someone they put up as many roadblocks as they can to make the guy frustrated and wanting to leave.  I want to change them so they are accepting of a new guy but how do I go about it?  If anyone has any ideas please let me know.  I really don’t want to miss out on Mr. Right because my kids chase him away.

Well I really need to get going and get the kids in bed…stay tuned for the next adventure in the stories of new lee.

 

 

Odd Man Out

I know it has been a little while since I’ve written but I’ve been dealing with a lot of self induced drama as of late.  Questioning things in my life, such as, where do I go from here, is my college experience what I need or am I really in need of something different.  Then there is the whole situation with my relationship or relative lack of one.  This past weekend I went camping and while I had a good time, I couldn’t help but feel a little like the third wheel.  Everyone else had someone else and I was left to my own devices.  It was a little hurtful but the company I kept tried to make me feel better about it. 

The original reason I went camping was to get away from all of the stuff of my life, kids, ex, family.  the bad part was that I had my phone on and they called, interrupting.  I know they were just trying to find out who I was with and I’m sure they were hoping for me to be there with someone who should be significant in my life in the near future.  I hate to disappoint them but I wasn’t there looking for or with any type of man who would be interested in me in any kind of manner that would denote a real relationship. 

We drove through the campgrounds looking for a quiet place to camp.  We went past the people with kids, hell I had gotten away from my kids, last thing I was going to want was to have a bunch of screaming kids around.  We found a spot surrounded by older people and settled in for the night.  Then a car drove up.  This car was full of drunken “kids” who were looking for a place to finish the beers they brought with them.  They were loud and crude.  They discussed things I never needed to know about them, even if we were dating.  Eventually they passed out and not a moment too soon.

I met a squirrel who became my friend as he scratched around outside my tent looking for a small morsel to eat.  He found one and went to the nearest tree to enjoy his meal.  I took pictures of this wondrous event yet it is hard to see what it is. 

Overall I would have to say the weekend wasn’t quite long enough for me.  That is why I asked my childrens’ father to take the kids longer than 24 hours.  I need a break from my life.  I need a vacation and this is the next best thing to getting that.  Silence and nature, two of the things I love most.  Now if only I could find someone to spend it with…I hate being the odd person out.

Angry Rants of a Pissed Off Mom

Tonight my younger brother pointed something out to me.  He reminded me that I am a loser.  I am living at my mom’s house for no really good reason.  He is forced to live here, by no fault of his own.  I hate to remind him that no one forced the drugs into his arm.  No one forced him to deal drugs.  No one forced him to act in the manor in which he did.  And I do believe no one was there when he got arrested for possession of illegal drugs with intent to deliver them.  I’m pretty certain he did all of these things himself.  These things lead to the reason he has to live at my mom’s.  His parole officer won’t let him move out!!!

Myself on the other hand, I’ve not moved out because I can’t find a job to work at to support myself and my children.  I don’t have the money to move out.  I guess I could very easily go back to living in a tent with my four kids.  I don’t think this is exactly what he meant.  He is out to remind me that he is better than me.  I don’t think I need him to remind me, I get this constant reminder on a daily basis.  My mom, brother, other brother, kids, and even strangers remind me that I’m a loser. 

This brings me to another point.  Why is it that people stare at fat people when they are out in public?  Are they thinking that they hope they never look like that or are they thinking how dare they share our space, who let the fat people out???  I hate when people make assumptions about why people are fat.  I am fat by choice.  I have over the course of my life eaten more calories and stopped moving my fat butt.  I know that I have a large way to go, no pun intended. 

I do have a friend, however, that has a kidney condition which causes her to gain weight because she is retaining fluid.  She also has a great amount of pain because of her condition which causes her to have trouble walking.  When we go shopping she needs an electric cart.  Most of the people look at her, because of her age, and think if she would just get up off her butt and walk then she wouldn’t be fat.  What they don’t know is that she would love to but her condition prevents her from doing it.  Even a trip to the bathroom is excrusiating. 

The looks are even worse when we stop at a fast food restaurant.  I know what you are thinking, why are fat people eating at a fast food restaurant?  Heaven for bid should I eat.  What is amazing is that I don’t go there and think people should think any different.  I know that I shouldn’t be eating there but what amazes me even more was that some of these people are one greasy cheeseburger away from being as big as I am.  It is people like that who really get under my skin.  Who are they to judge whether I have the right to eat at a particular place.  Most of them act as though fat people shouldn’t be out in public. 

People who work at fast food restaurants are even worse about it.  They snicker about us as we come through and order our food.  Apparently someone forgot to tell me that fat people are suppose to be deaf.  I wonder if they think we can’t hear them.  I wonder if they realize if it weren’t for us they wouldn’t have a job at all.  I know that fat people can be hilarious but there is a time and a place.  I had a friend who would remind me that everyone needs love, yes that even includes fat people.  We are humans, after all.  We just happen to be bigger than some of you.  Other than that we are no different.  We still bleed if we are pricked and we cry if you hurt our feelings.  Does this not make us human???

I guess I have ranted on for long enough now.  I have been keeping these things bottle up inside but tonight I couldn’t hold them in any longer.  I guess you could blame my brother.  It is after all, his fault!!!

On a side note, I finished my last final for the semester today.  I won’t know how I did with any of them for a couple of weeks but I hope I did well.  I can’t wait to get started again.

Side note number two, today was my brother’s 25th birthday and my youngest son’s 5th birthday.  I would like to wish both of them a happy birthday.  I would also like to wish my daughter a happy belated birthday.  I’m sorry I didn’t wish you one sooner.

I promise this is the last side note.  Happy Beltaine to those of the Pagan type faith.  For those of you who don’t know what Beltaine is, I encourage you to learn about this holiday and the Pagan faiths in general.

 

 

    

Control

It has come to my attention that I am evil.  Well not in the devil horns and pitch fork sort of way but evil in the I’m a bossy person who gives out advice that isn’t wanted and don’t know how to shut up when it serves in my best interest.

I have spent the better portion of my children’s life ignoring them.  They have needed obvious discipline and I chose to sit on the sidelines and let them run to torment everyone else.  Now they have no idea how to behave.  For this I take the blame.  Now it is almost too late.  I have one child who is a teenager and is completely out of control.  He is too big for me to do anything to him physically and he knows it.  Now I am looking for someone else to help me to deal with him. 

My not quite teenager has decided the best way for her to get anything is for her to throw herself on the floor and cry.  I guess I deserve it since she never had a singleproblem with her when she was 2.  Now she acts 2 and it is driving me crazy.  I don’t know what to do with her but I hope I can change her attitude before she gets worse.  I think it is still possible.

The younger two can be grouped together.  They just do things to attempt to get attention their older siblings are stealing from them.  They have begun employing some of the tactics the older two are using.  Thyereally are good kids, they just need to learn that this isn’t the best way to get attention from me.  I think it will be easy for them to change back to the good little boys they were.

To those people who I have hurt by attempting to convince to change their lives because I think you are just making things up to cover up your past hurts,  I am WRONG!!!.  You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.  If you feel you can’t or won’t or don’t want to, YOU SHOULDN’T!!!  Never, no matter what, let someone else tell you how to feel, think, act, or be.  You are who you are.  You should never change that for anyone.  I’m sorry that I tried.  I never should have.  It is none of my business what goes on in YOUR life or how you plan on living it.  I was overstepping my boundaries as your friend.  I would like to apologize.  I never meant to treat you like that.

Well I will end this random raving about my shit for life.  Keep checking back and see if the teen gets better or gets sent to a home, the almost teen gets up off the floor and dries up her tears, and if the younger two can get back on track.

I Need Help

I know this may seem a little out of place but the first step is admitting it, right?  I need help!!!  I can’t function in my life right now.  I have been feeling all out of sorts, blaming myself for things which aren’t really my fault just to make everyone else feel better about themselves.  I now realize this isn’t healthy behavior from anyone.  I have agreed to seek help. 

I have never asked for help before.  I hate asking.  I feel so dumb.  So totally incapable of making basic life decisions that I require help.

I remember the first time I had to ask someone whom I wasn’t related to for help.  I had hurt my knee and it wasn’t getting better.  I finally listened to someone and decided I needed to go to the doctor.  I couldn’t drive myself so I had to ask someone to drive me.  My family all had to work so they were out of the picture.  This left only my friends.  I felt guilty about it but I needed a ride.  I asked a friend I had grown to trust and she agreed to take me.  After the doctor’s appointment I needed to visit the pharmacy to get some things the doctor’s office didn’t have, crutches!!!  She took me without complaint.  Then she drove me to get something to eat so I could take my pain meds and drove me home.

Even better of a friend she agreed to drive me where I needed to go and she said if I wanted to go out she would come and get me.  This girl was amasing.  I still, however, hate to ask for help.  I want to do everything for myself no matter if I can or not. 

My dad was the same way.  He never asked for help and it nearly killed him if he did.  He felt he should be able to care for himself and he was always looking out for others.  How could he do that if he wasn’t able to care for himself?

I think I understand where I get it from.  It must be an inherited trait.  Great another thing I can chalk up to my dear dad.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I just need to learn from it.