Odd Man Out

I know it has been a little while since I’ve written but I’ve been dealing with a lot of self induced drama as of late.  Questioning things in my life, such as, where do I go from here, is my college experience what I need or am I really in need of something different.  Then there is the whole situation with my relationship or relative lack of one.  This past weekend I went camping and while I had a good time, I couldn’t help but feel a little like the third wheel.  Everyone else had someone else and I was left to my own devices.  It was a little hurtful but the company I kept tried to make me feel better about it. 

The original reason I went camping was to get away from all of the stuff of my life, kids, ex, family.  the bad part was that I had my phone on and they called, interrupting.  I know they were just trying to find out who I was with and I’m sure they were hoping for me to be there with someone who should be significant in my life in the near future.  I hate to disappoint them but I wasn’t there looking for or with any type of man who would be interested in me in any kind of manner that would denote a real relationship. 

We drove through the campgrounds looking for a quiet place to camp.  We went past the people with kids, hell I had gotten away from my kids, last thing I was going to want was to have a bunch of screaming kids around.  We found a spot surrounded by older people and settled in for the night.  Then a car drove up.  This car was full of drunken “kids” who were looking for a place to finish the beers they brought with them.  They were loud and crude.  They discussed things I never needed to know about them, even if we were dating.  Eventually they passed out and not a moment too soon.

I met a squirrel who became my friend as he scratched around outside my tent looking for a small morsel to eat.  He found one and went to the nearest tree to enjoy his meal.  I took pictures of this wondrous event yet it is hard to see what it is. 

Overall I would have to say the weekend wasn’t quite long enough for me.  That is why I asked my childrens’ father to take the kids longer than 24 hours.  I need a break from my life.  I need a vacation and this is the next best thing to getting that.  Silence and nature, two of the things I love most.  Now if only I could find someone to spend it with…I hate being the odd person out.

Angry Rants of a Pissed Off Mom

Tonight my younger brother pointed something out to me.  He reminded me that I am a loser.  I am living at my mom’s house for no really good reason.  He is forced to live here, by no fault of his own.  I hate to remind him that no one forced the drugs into his arm.  No one forced him to deal drugs.  No one forced him to act in the manor in which he did.  And I do believe no one was there when he got arrested for possession of illegal drugs with intent to deliver them.  I’m pretty certain he did all of these things himself.  These things lead to the reason he has to live at my mom’s.  His parole officer won’t let him move out!!!

Myself on the other hand, I’ve not moved out because I can’t find a job to work at to support myself and my children.  I don’t have the money to move out.  I guess I could very easily go back to living in a tent with my four kids.  I don’t think this is exactly what he meant.  He is out to remind me that he is better than me.  I don’t think I need him to remind me, I get this constant reminder on a daily basis.  My mom, brother, other brother, kids, and even strangers remind me that I’m a loser. 

This brings me to another point.  Why is it that people stare at fat people when they are out in public?  Are they thinking that they hope they never look like that or are they thinking how dare they share our space, who let the fat people out???  I hate when people make assumptions about why people are fat.  I am fat by choice.  I have over the course of my life eaten more calories and stopped moving my fat butt.  I know that I have a large way to go, no pun intended. 

I do have a friend, however, that has a kidney condition which causes her to gain weight because she is retaining fluid.  She also has a great amount of pain because of her condition which causes her to have trouble walking.  When we go shopping she needs an electric cart.  Most of the people look at her, because of her age, and think if she would just get up off her butt and walk then she wouldn’t be fat.  What they don’t know is that she would love to but her condition prevents her from doing it.  Even a trip to the bathroom is excrusiating. 

The looks are even worse when we stop at a fast food restaurant.  I know what you are thinking, why are fat people eating at a fast food restaurant?  Heaven for bid should I eat.  What is amazing is that I don’t go there and think people should think any different.  I know that I shouldn’t be eating there but what amazes me even more was that some of these people are one greasy cheeseburger away from being as big as I am.  It is people like that who really get under my skin.  Who are they to judge whether I have the right to eat at a particular place.  Most of them act as though fat people shouldn’t be out in public. 

People who work at fast food restaurants are even worse about it.  They snicker about us as we come through and order our food.  Apparently someone forgot to tell me that fat people are suppose to be deaf.  I wonder if they think we can’t hear them.  I wonder if they realize if it weren’t for us they wouldn’t have a job at all.  I know that fat people can be hilarious but there is a time and a place.  I had a friend who would remind me that everyone needs love, yes that even includes fat people.  We are humans, after all.  We just happen to be bigger than some of you.  Other than that we are no different.  We still bleed if we are pricked and we cry if you hurt our feelings.  Does this not make us human???

I guess I have ranted on for long enough now.  I have been keeping these things bottle up inside but tonight I couldn’t hold them in any longer.  I guess you could blame my brother.  It is after all, his fault!!!

On a side note, I finished my last final for the semester today.  I won’t know how I did with any of them for a couple of weeks but I hope I did well.  I can’t wait to get started again.

Side note number two, today was my brother’s 25th birthday and my youngest son’s 5th birthday.  I would like to wish both of them a happy birthday.  I would also like to wish my daughter a happy belated birthday.  I’m sorry I didn’t wish you one sooner.

I promise this is the last side note.  Happy Beltaine to those of the Pagan type faith.  For those of you who don’t know what Beltaine is, I encourage you to learn about this holiday and the Pagan faiths in general.

 

 

    

Control

It has come to my attention that I am evil.  Well not in the devil horns and pitch fork sort of way but evil in the I’m a bossy person who gives out advice that isn’t wanted and don’t know how to shut up when it serves in my best interest.

I have spent the better portion of my children’s life ignoring them.  They have needed obvious discipline and I chose to sit on the sidelines and let them run to torment everyone else.  Now they have no idea how to behave.  For this I take the blame.  Now it is almost too late.  I have one child who is a teenager and is completely out of control.  He is too big for me to do anything to him physically and he knows it.  Now I am looking for someone else to help me to deal with him. 

My not quite teenager has decided the best way for her to get anything is for her to throw herself on the floor and cry.  I guess I deserve it since she never had a singleproblem with her when she was 2.  Now she acts 2 and it is driving me crazy.  I don’t know what to do with her but I hope I can change her attitude before she gets worse.  I think it is still possible.

The younger two can be grouped together.  They just do things to attempt to get attention their older siblings are stealing from them.  They have begun employing some of the tactics the older two are using.  Thyereally are good kids, they just need to learn that this isn’t the best way to get attention from me.  I think it will be easy for them to change back to the good little boys they were.

To those people who I have hurt by attempting to convince to change their lives because I think you are just making things up to cover up your past hurts,  I am WRONG!!!.  You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.  If you feel you can’t or won’t or don’t want to, YOU SHOULDN’T!!!  Never, no matter what, let someone else tell you how to feel, think, act, or be.  You are who you are.  You should never change that for anyone.  I’m sorry that I tried.  I never should have.  It is none of my business what goes on in YOUR life or how you plan on living it.  I was overstepping my boundaries as your friend.  I would like to apologize.  I never meant to treat you like that.

Well I will end this random raving about my shit for life.  Keep checking back and see if the teen gets better or gets sent to a home, the almost teen gets up off the floor and dries up her tears, and if the younger two can get back on track.

I Need Help

I know this may seem a little out of place but the first step is admitting it, right?  I need help!!!  I can’t function in my life right now.  I have been feeling all out of sorts, blaming myself for things which aren’t really my fault just to make everyone else feel better about themselves.  I now realize this isn’t healthy behavior from anyone.  I have agreed to seek help. 

I have never asked for help before.  I hate asking.  I feel so dumb.  So totally incapable of making basic life decisions that I require help.

I remember the first time I had to ask someone whom I wasn’t related to for help.  I had hurt my knee and it wasn’t getting better.  I finally listened to someone and decided I needed to go to the doctor.  I couldn’t drive myself so I had to ask someone to drive me.  My family all had to work so they were out of the picture.  This left only my friends.  I felt guilty about it but I needed a ride.  I asked a friend I had grown to trust and she agreed to take me.  After the doctor’s appointment I needed to visit the pharmacy to get some things the doctor’s office didn’t have, crutches!!!  She took me without complaint.  Then she drove me to get something to eat so I could take my pain meds and drove me home.

Even better of a friend she agreed to drive me where I needed to go and she said if I wanted to go out she would come and get me.  This girl was amasing.  I still, however, hate to ask for help.  I want to do everything for myself no matter if I can or not. 

My dad was the same way.  He never asked for help and it nearly killed him if he did.  He felt he should be able to care for himself and he was always looking out for others.  How could he do that if he wasn’t able to care for himself?

I think I understand where I get it from.  It must be an inherited trait.  Great another thing I can chalk up to my dear dad.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I just need to learn from it.

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Honoring a Fallen Hero

Today, 40 years ago, there was an assassination.  One bullet took away a very wonderful man.  He was well educated, but hated for the color of his skin and the feelings he inspired in others.  Who is to know what he could have accomplished had his life not been taken that night.  Our world could be a much different place than it is today.  Martin Luther King Jr., you are dearly missed by all of those who knew you and even by those who never got that chance.

I was unfortunately not born when we lost this wonderful man.  I don’t know first hand what was going on during that time period but after learning about what he was trying to do for our society as a whole, I think those who murdered him were dumb.  I don’t understand how people can kill because they disagree with what someone else thinks or says.  I know what I say isn’t really something new to those of our society.  There are plenty of people with this same opinion of our society.  We take things that are wonderful and rape and pillage until there is nothing beautiful left.  We have been like this for as long as our history has been recorded.

Somewhere out there, I’m sure that someday a new savior will come and help to “fix” this planet.  We are spending too much time worrying about what others are doing we aren’t seeing what is going on at home.  We need oil for our gas guzzling SUV’s so we go to war with a country to keep our supply chain intact.  When will we realize there are more important things than that.  What about those families who have a loved one serving over there?  When will they get the chance to know that their loved ones are home safe and sound.  No need for them to lay down their lives for $3 or $4 a gallon gas.  Searching through a country for someone who has probably since shaved his beard, taken off his turban, and is living easy in some temperate climate, wearing shades while sitting on the beach tanning his chicken legs.

We spend time persecuting others for the very same things we do here at home.  We just never see this because the news doesn’t spend it’s time focusing in on it.  How long do you think a newscastor would last if they reported the truth about the acts we do here at home we are fighting to abolish in other countries.  We are spending time telling China to treat women with respect when we don’t have that here at home. I know I’m not looked on as favorably as a man for anything.  I’m just one dumb vagina that should be home barefoot pushing babies out while washing the dishes and cooking the dinners.

I know I have ranted on for a very long time about this subject so I will try and not to continue on any longer.  Thank you all for reading my own personal opinion on this manner and I hope I didn’t detract too much from my original statement.  A new savior will come and when they do I hope we are ready.

Moody Musings

For the last few weeks I have been in a terribly horrible mood.  For absolutely no reason at all I get angry and then quiet.  I don’t know if it is the weather, being sick, or what but I really want this to stop.  I can’t keep this up and I know that it if I don’t I will never have a chance to move forward in my life.

This morning, for example, I was angry that everyone was yelling at me because I had yet to get ready to leave, yet they themselves weren’t ready.  I went off yelling at someone who didn’t necessarily deserve my bad mood and to them I am sorry (you know who you are).  I know this is unacceptable behavior from a woman of my age but I couldn’t help it.  I hated the way I felt and the way i made them feel after this interaction, hell even during the interaction, but I couldn’t stop. 

Sometimes I feel as if the world is sucking the life out of me.  Maybe it is because I feel to depended upon.  With my family, friends, and school I can’t help but feel this way.  I’m not overdoing it as some people can do.  I don’t have a job right now that brings in the money I need but this can’t be the reason either.  I’ve been poor before and not felt like this.  Maybe I just need a vacation from my life.

Until I can go and be on my own for awhile I don’t think this mood is going to change.  Then again maybe all I need is a few good days in the sun!!!

Crazy Weather

This morning my children were feeling better so I decided they needed to return to school.  This little jaunt of getting them there takes us the better part of an hour.  I know I could just transfer them to the town where we are living and save the headache that is driving and gas but I would still have to drive near there on a daily basis for my schooling so for now they stay.

Anyway back to my discussion of the commute.  The skies are gray, you know the color they can get when it is definitely going to rain, maybe even storm a little.  I was expecting that maybe we would run into a little rain on the way to school.  This isn’t too bad but keep in mind that it isn’t ideal either since the windshield wipers don’t work on my car.  The Rain X does help though once you get to going highway speeds and since most of my travel is on one highway or the next, this is fine with me.

We left town and began our trek to school when the skies opened up and it began raining.  We were still able to drive but the rain kept coming down really hard.  The worst part of this trek in the rain is all the big vehicles who have not a care in the world, spewing dirty water from their tires.  This makes my windows dirty and then the commute gets a little dangerous.  This morning for whatever reason everyone drove their gas guzzling SUV’s and pickup trucks to work.  My car is now a mess of road grim and dirt. 

Once we were about five miles from the school, the rain turned to this sort of hail, sleet, snow mix.  It was pretty harrowing at times since every semi was on the road this morning as well.  I feared for my life a little but we got the kids to school just fine.

This weather is very strange.  First it gets really nice, so nice that you figure you may not have to wear the sweats much longer.  The very next day, there is a foot of snow on the ground.  So this morning it wasn’t a foot of snow but it was decently wild.  I had never seen hail snow and lightning all at the same time.  

The even more interesting part of this is that my younger brother, who thinks he can forecast the weather, really can’t.  He told us as did the weather people come to think of it, that it wasn’t going to snow at all here, all we were getting was some rain.  I can see the white stuff in the grass, I think they were wrong!!!  My brother went one step further, he said it wasn’t going to even rain.  Well my wet socks say otherwise.

Right now it is snowing outside again, but the forecast for the weekend is looking nice.  I hope it comes true because I want to spend some much needed time outside under the sun while avoiding it at the same time.  Gotta love the doctors and medicine!!! 

Another New Day Dawning

Just when my life seems to be going great something comes along and knocks me off my feet.  I hate being in my life right now and know it will not get better until I do something to change it.  I don’t know what to do though so here I sit waiting for life to give me some sort of sign.  I don’t know what kind of sign I’m looking for but I know that I want one.  Maybe all of this waiting isn’t doing any good and I should just get up, shake off the dirt, and move!  Alas this is hard for me since I like to plan for everything. 

It is amazing how much of my life I have spent waiting.   I even do this when I go shopping.  I go to the store to buy something and usually walk out of the store without buying what I went for in the first place.  Maybe I need to change this about me.  I can never decide what I want to buy or I decide that I don’t really need it.  Of course with an outfit, I really do need it but I still put off buying it because I convince myself that I don’t need it right now.  This has left me where I am right now.  I have no dress outfits and barely have anything else to wear.  This does make it very difficult to get a job.

The other thing I have trouble doing is asking for help.  I don’t like to ask for anything if I don’t need it.  This dates back as far as I can remember.  I don’t like asking for help from my instructors, bosses, co-workers, not anyone.  Even when I needed help because I hurt my knee and needed someone to drive me and help me carry my things I attempted to refuse.  It became humbling but I hated it.   

Anyway, I started to write this in the morning and now I’m finishing this blog, yet another sign that I like to procrastinate.  I have decided to take a step in the right direction by applying for jobs.  So this morning while I was writing this blog I began the fruitless search for my resume.  I can’t find it so now I have to start all over again.  I am starting to believe that I have the worst luck in the world.  I feel like the king midas of shit, everything I touch turns to crap. 

I’m hoping that things will change tomorrow and everything will work out the way it has been planned.  I keep thinking positively but until I can get somewhere with this I will try not to touch anything important.  No one needs extra shit, especially not me.

Religion for the Non-Religious

Being today is Easter, my family decided we should fulfill our religious obligations again today.  We do the same thing at ever other religious holiday.  Attending a church service for the sake of saying we are religious.  Well today I didn’t go and neither did my middle son.  As a matter of fact they are still servicing their religious needs as we speak.

What is it about holidays that make us feel we need to visit our related place of worship?  Is it the need to update so we will know what is happening in our religion or something deeper?  Do we figure that a couple times a year will be sufficient to keep us in the good graces of the high power in our lives?  Whatever it is we go back again and again, religious holiday after religious holiday.

This is my problem with organized religion.  The need to visit a certain place to worship our deity of choice and the need to do it on certain days of the week or times of the year.  Who made up all of these rules?  I personally like things which run on my time.  A religion I can live with is one where I have a lot of control over when things are done and why.  For this very reason I have settled on paganism as a whole.  There isn’t the need for me to worship following rule I don’t believe in.  The mainstream religions have so many rules that just don’t make sense.  The other thing about mainstream religion is that those who follow it don’t really follow it like they should. 

There are many more things I don’t understand about many religions but I don’t want to start a debate among otherwise calm and rational individuals.  There are other things about holidays that I don’t get as well.  Why is it we feel the need to get together with family only on these preset dates on the calendar?  Why are holidays so important when it comes to family feasts?

I ask this because a little later today I will be going to my brother’s house, my brother whom I see almost every day and the rest of my family I live with.  Why is it we only get together as a family now?  What is the reasoning for it?  I would understand it if, say, one of our family members lived out of state and could only make it back here for the holidays but this isn’t the case.  We all live within a few blocks of one another and see each other all the time.  There is no need to get caught up because we already know almost everything about each others lives.  So why is it we need to sit down and break bread?

Easter is usually the holiday where the little girls and boys get all dressed up in their cute new light colored dresses or suits and do egg hunts in the yard.  This image from my youth has changed so much that today it doesn’t have any meaning.  There aren’t many times where you see real life scenes from movies like Steel Magnolias.  People can go to the local Wal-Mart and do an Easter egg hunt and most people don’t get as fanciful as the used to this time of year.  Maybe it is just me but I think this is the case.  We don’t have the time anymore.  No one gets to know their neighbors and if you do then you must be snooping.  I long for the old days when people took contact with others for granted.  Easter reminds me of that.

Well sorry I got a little long winded.  I need to get going.  Church service is over and the eating is just about to begin.  So happy Easter to those who celebrate.  For those who don’t try not to eat too many eggs or too much chocolate.