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A Long Time Coming

February 2, 2009

I know I haven’t written in quite a long while.  I just wasn’t sure if my life was worth blogging about.  As I got to thinking more and more about it, I am convinced that it wasn’t that my life wasn’t exciting.  There have been many things happen in my life yet somehow I felt as if they had happened before, that by mentioning them would make it seem as if I was only repeating myself.  My children’s father is no better a role model than he was a few months ago, my life is still in shambles but at least I have my life.  Times have been hard but they are not hard enough.  Granted they aren’t getting easier either but I am learning to get along.

I have been busy.  I am back in school full time, taking online classes and loving it.  I don’t really miss the in person connection with the student body and for this I am sad.  I know I need to get out more and become less afraid of people.  I know people aren’t all here to hurt me but in my mind I am afraid of the day when I earn a new nickname, one that hasn’t already dampened my life, keeping me up nights crying.  I have realized that just because we age doesn’t always mean we grow up and adults are meaner than children in their nature of misunderstanding.

Lately I have been having dreams of angry and mean adults, mostly angry or mean to me.  There was an entire communication via text message that would have even the most steady minded adult crying for their mother.  I don’t know what is spurning these dreams and I wish they would stop.  Sometimes I think that maybe it is a sign to me that I am refusing to understand in my day to day life that my subconscious thinks I need to learn in a dream state.  All I know is that once I wake up, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest.  Feeling like this when I wake up is starting to affect the relationships with the others who care dearly for me too because I become very quiet around all of those people whom I love very much.  They worry and with every right.  I have been feeling these feelings longer and longer into the day.  I can’t wait for spring, when the sun is out for longer and my mood will improve, giving me a chance to breath in the fresh air.  A chance to go camping, teach my kids more about the wonderful nature we live in.

Last year I only got to go camping a few times, and most of these were by myself without my kids, since they didn’t want to go camping.  My older kids decided they never wanted to camp again, ever, after they lived in a tent for a few months.  My younger sons loved camping and wanted to do it again.  This is where our problems lie…the older kids have nowhere to stay while I take their little brothers camping and they refuse to come with.  I really wish I could get back some of the time I have lost as their mom, spend more time with them, make more of an impression.  I can see in my older children that it might just be too late.  My oldest is failing out of school, and he is very proud of that fact.  I don’t know how to deal with that, I was always the one who hated study hall, always wanting to learn, even to this day.

I have talked a lot but said very little.  I need to get some sleep before my day begins again, the moment the alarm goes off to wake up the kids.  I hope my next post will come sooner than my last.  Until next time…take care.

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Updates

November 1, 2008

I figured I would write an update to let all of you who read this know what is going on in my life and the lives of my kids.  My daughter made swing choir.  I can’t believe it but she did.  My younger sons now have short hair.  Yes the head lice came back and this time spread to his brother’s head.  I was disappointed when the school nurse called and said that their were nits.  She said she didn’t see any live bugs.  I guess she was blind.  When I treated his hair I found a ton.  No I didn’t use the store bought stuff, I continued my assault on those nasty buggers with oil and combing, combing, and more combing.

Funny thing about the schools.  When they called about my son’s return of the head lice, I asked them to check his brother.  They did and didn’t find anything.  But then later in the afternoon I received a call from the nurse about his lack of a lead level test.  Interesting since he had been going to school there for many months and no one noticed the missing test.  Well we just got the test done and the results back and he is fine.  Glad to see all those years of me telling him not to chew on the window sills have paid off.

I received bad news from the doctor though.  I went into the doctor with a huge sore on my lip (yes it was a nasty cold sore, a cold sore I will never live down, but one I did receive from me loving my kids and getting as many kisses as I want).  While I was there I mentioned to the doctor that my blood sugar, even on my meds is really high.  So after a few vials of blood and a few hours, I got results I didn’t want to hear.  My diabetes is worse, even though I had been losing weight.  She is recommending I go on insulin to bring it under control and then switch back to my meds again.  She wants me to do one shot of insulin at bedtime.  Now all I have to do is wait until I can see the diabetic educator so she can teach me how I need to use this new med.  I don’t know why she is so booked up but she may not be able to get me in until around Christmas.  Funny since I figured this change would be important enough for me to be put on it right away.  I guess only time will tell.

Well this is enough of an update for now.  I will try to catch you up on more, more often.

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Bugs Be Gone

September 22, 2008

Saturday, the day we had planned to have a family get together to celebrate my oldest and middle son’s birthdays (which are coming up in this next week) found me busier than usual.  We were cleaning the house and as I watched my middle son, he began to scratch his head.  I didn’t think anything of it until it he did it over and over again.  With this I decided to investigate a little further.  Once I investigated, I began making phone calls to the relatives to cancel the party.  I mean, how could I have a party when the intended has head lice?

I hate head lice.  I don’t ever remember getting those nasty little bugs as a kid but rather waiting until I was an adult, when my older kids were younger.  To make matters worse, I was broke.  Not money to aid in the treatment, and no vacuum cleaner to clean the beds and couch and chair he had spent the entire last week wallering around on. 

My mom was nice enough to make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy the dreaded box of lice killing shampoo.  It was terribly expensive but I know that my poor son can’t return to school until we have had him treated.  So with the party sounding like a no go I went to work treating his hair.  First the lice killing shampoo and then the tedious work of combing out his hair.  I know what you’re thinking.  You could have just shaved his head and not had to worry about any of this and you’re right.  But with school pictures just a few days away and him having gotten his hair to the new skaterboy hairstyle, I wasn’t about to shave him bald.  Besides he isn’t cute with no hair.  He looks goofy with his ears sticking out and he is very pale so a cut like that tends to make him look a little like a cancer patient on chemo.  

I worked on his hair for about 6 hours, going over it with a fine tooth comb, literally.  I wanted to never have to do it again.  I pulled out what seemed like a million nits and eggs but only 2 adults so I felt good that we wouldn’t have any problems.  I was wrong.  We weren’t even 24 hours out from the beginning of treatment and he was already itching his head.  So I checked.  A living little critter (not an adult) with it’s little legs just kicking away.  Great, the really expensive treatment didn’t work very well.  I should have expected it but I was hoping, I guess. 

Now I needed to find something to help kill these left over little beings to leave my son itchy scratchy free.  I checked online looking for a home remedy that would work well and one we already had all of the ingredients for in the house.  Well, I found some things online and am now trying them out.  Today I applied baby oil to his hair.  For those of you who are reading this, please wait until I tell you whether it worked or not before you try it.  The oil is very hard to get out of hair and can make a mess.  I’m hoping it will come out before picture day.  Well the oil worked nice, with exception of being difficult to get out.  Now I must wait and see if he starts to itch any more.  I hope not.  Everyone else is scratching at their heads and they don’t have head lice, I checked! 

Look for an update to the head lice drama and I can’t wait until tomorrow when he goes back to school and has to tell tehm he has head lice.  This should be fun!!!

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Growing Up is Hard to Do

September 13, 2008

Today it has become official.  I am old.  My oldest son went to his first high school dance.  Yes that’s right, high school.  Dancing… He doesn’t really dance but hey he wanted to go and I didn’t have the heart to stop him.  He had a good time, danced with a few girls and some friends, was disappointed by the fact that nourishing himself with liquids cost him money, but was still very happy.  

I, on the other hand, got to thinking, as any parent would on the night one of the first grown up things happen.  I am getting older.  With every day that ticks by on the big clock of life I grow older, just as my kids do.  Before I could deny my age, as it is just merely a number, but then I started thinking about the past few years and realized that I have been listening to everyone else with regard to my life.  They all told me I needed to grow up.  I needed to spend more time with my kids, be a family, and a mom, not just a mom but a role model for my kids.  They were gonna need it seeing how the rest of those who are in their lives were like.  I stopped going out, I really got rid of friends left and right, all in an effort to grow up.

I can’t say that I ever really have grown up but I’m trying.  I want to set a good example for my kids, showing them the right way to be in this big bad world in which we live.  I can only hope they turn out as good people.  Right now they are on their way.

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Too Tired to Deal

August 30, 2008

Lately I have been having trouble sleeping.  I will fall asleep and the a few hours later, wake up, sweating and them have trouble falling back to sleep until after the kids go to school.  That was until yesterday.  I fell asleep right before the kids needed to get up for school.  I woke them when the alarm went off and then fell back to sleep.  If my kids hadn’t been annoying my roommate I would have missed getting them out the door.  I fell back asleep again and slept until almost noon.  I woke only briefly, to make lunch, and then fell back to sleep again.  I slept off and on the rest of the day, dozing every time I leaned back in my chair.  Heck, I even went to bed before my younger kids did, so I didn’t get to tell them goodnight.  I woke up again in the middle of the night because one of my roommates friends was coming over and when she got here she woke me up, and kept me up.  Now I can’t fall back to sleep.

I remember being able to do this a few years ago.  Go for days on very little to no sleep and most of the time I didn’t crash either.  I would just find a few extra minutes in the day to close my eyes, usually by going to bed a little earlier.  This is something new and I really wish I could explain it.  The sweating, I figure is because the house gets stuffy at night so my body is trying to tell me to wake up and turn on a fan or something.  If this is the case though, then why can’t I fall back to sleep once I am comfortable?

All of this body clock drama has caused me to miss things in my kids lives.  Tonight I know that my older kids didn’t listen to me and that my roommate had to deal with it.  The kids snuck off from where they said they were going and didn’t let me know.  I found out because my brother saw my son minus my daughter at the gas station.  Apparently the gas station is where the school football game was held.  Well when my kids got home some sort of arguing happened and I think there was something about the kids stories not matching up, again I don’t know because I was sleeping.  I guess I will have to get to the bottom of this nonsense.

Well until later, I hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day Weekend.  To those of you who have the weekend off, please be kind to those people who don’t and to those who are working, try to find time to enjoy the weekend.

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Life Goes On

August 27, 2008

As the first full week of school is half over and we are settling into a routine that will work for everyone, life has developed some very crazy things that I never would have thought I was ever going to have to deal with.  The older kids are spending every morning with their dad on the short drive across town to school.  It isn’t because they can’t ride the bus, they get picked up right outside of the front door.  It’s because they choose to spend time with him.  Well that and eat breakfast at school.  I know my kids love this about their dad, the older ones anyway.  The only problem is that for my oldest, he gets all the fun, spend time with dad time, and none of the other kids do.  If my son is ever sick, my ex already told him that his sister would just have to “ride the bus.”  How bull stuff is that?  His dad also pays for him to go to things but doesn’t do the same thing with my daughter, or the other boys for that matter. 

As far as the little boys are concerned…he doesn’t have any kids that young.  He never takes them anywhere or does anything with them.  He spends no time with them and never talks to them on the phone.  He called on the first day of school for the older three and talked about how their first days went, talking short amounts of time the less number of years old they were.  He never called to ask the youngest, who started kindergarten this year, how his first day went.  This isn’t the only time he has failed his younger kids.  They had the open house for the brand new school here and I had asked him if he could take them.  He said no because he didn’t have the gas.  He said the same thing the day our youngest was suppose to meet his teacher and we were suppose to have our first parent teacher thing.  He didn’t have the gas.  Yet for the first half week of school he took his girlfriends kids to school (they can ride the bus too).  I guess we know where his priorities are and this is not right nor is it fair. 

I don’t know how to change things between them and their dad.  I have tried good cop, bad cop, leaving it alone, jumping down his throat, and it all has gotten me nowhere.  I give up.  I guess for most of the younger ones I can be both their mom and dad (although I don’t have man parts so this might be hard).  I just wish I could get him to see what harm he is doing to his kids.  Lying all the time and about the stupidest things.  Then when they get disappointed at their dad they take it out on me, like it is my fault their dad is such a disappointment.  It hurts.  If he doesn’t answer a phone call, show up when he said he would, all of those things that they don’t like in him, and they take it out on me as if I had some magic wand that keeps their dad from showing up or keeping his promises.  If I had it my way that magic wand would get him to be super dad, you know the type that do everything for their kids, the ones who are at ever game, no matter what.  They call every night, want to know everything about them, no matter how small.  They feel bad because they missed their firsts.  I would wish for that kind of miracle for my kids.  That is if I had that magic wand, which of course I don’t.

Well I have rambled on far too long about things I’m sure I’ve said all too often during the course of my writer of this blog.  Sometimes I feel as though my life is just one big circle and I’m waiting to see where the new path off of here will lead.  Well check back and maybe I’ll have found some new muse of my fancy.

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Abuse of the Mind

July 27, 2008

The system is screwed up.  I know that from my own dealings with it.  But over the past few days I have realized just how screwed up it is.  One child which is in my life is being abused by someone not living in my home and the person with which this child lives is angry that someone has called the state on them.  When asked what happened a week ago to cause a bruise about the size of a racketball on the child’s forehead, “I don’t know” was the answer.  This was after we were told the child must have gotten into makeup or something because there was no bruise.  Once bathed, the spot remained.  This person has since let me know that the child fell off the sofa and hit their head on the floor.  Well this was after the state has begun looking into it.  I would be understanding if this person had been honest with me in the first place but why, a week later, was a new story told.  I’m left wondering what the truth really is.

Then their is a situation with my ex-husband and his girlfriend of many years.  She has a son from a marriage before she met him and he is a tweener.  Unsure exactly what the truth is here, I have found out that the boy is blaming my ex for abusing him.  While I can sit back and say that due to karma he is getting what he deserves, I know this might be a little unfair.  I don’t know if he is fully capable of abusing him or not and I don’t want to pass judgment on him, especially since it isn’t mine to give. 

The other thought is how do I tell my children that their dad is being investigated for abuse.  The see him as perfection, even when he lets them down.  I don’t know where to turn here.  My oldest son was the one who let me know what was going on but how do you explain that to the rest of the kids, the youngest is only five.  It wouldn’t be so hard to bare if he hadn’t been yoyoing in their life for the last few months.  I don’t know what to do.  I figure for now I will not say anything and hope that their brother doesn’t say anything either.  Maybe not tell them until everything is settled. 

In both of these situations, I wonder why these things happen.  Both people have been great parents in the past.  I just don’t understand what in their lives have caused them to deviate from this path.  While I wait and see what goes on with both of these cases, I hope all works out well for the children involved.  I hope that these once wonderful people can get back on track and get the help they need to do that.  Something which wasn’t afforded me.  May the system work for them…

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